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since I've been on this blog; oh how the time flies. I think I technically had another blog linked to another account but I truly cannot remember. This past year has been an absolute haze up until one month ago. I snapped back to reality it feels. The past year doesn't feel real. I reread my last post about the last guy and the pain I feel no longer sprouts from him in the same way. Now, I just want to hold one year ago me and tell me how alright it will be. It has taken SO much processing. So much healing. So much growing. I am not the same me I was one year ago.

I am so much more hopeful. I don't have all the answers. I don't know that I want all the answers. I'm just glad to have direction, purpose.

the first time I laughed at the original version of this joke was from him... it still hurts to think about him.

Four months since he up and left and I just want to stop hurting

I waited in line to vote for an hour. I was behind this guy who was conservative. I know this because two women were wearing cool ass shirts that said “If I wanted the government in my uterus, I would fuck a senator” and he bitched about them under his breath. Just a few minutes later, he tried to start a conversation with a woman a little bit ahead of us in line by asking “Are you from Arkansas?” Her shirt had some Arkansas sports team, which is what prompted him to ask. Only thing is that he mumbled it under his breath so when she didn’t respond to him, I don’t know why he looked irritated with her??? 

I also overheard a veteran brag about how efficiently his big military gun hit his targets... that disgusted me. I get that with shitty world leaders, military is necessary, but let’s be real... shitty world leaders come from lack of touch as children. If we can get our shit together as a nation and not have to worry about basic needs, then so much more progress would come. I would be more pro life if we could take care of the kids we’re already having! The only reason Roe V Wade got overturned was because we’re seeing a decline in the population. We aren’t fucking cattle. There’s a reason we’re choosing to have less kids. Also, how pro life of that conservative, to enjoy killing...

It just feels disgusting to feel trapped here and be so unsure about the beliefs of those around you, whether they would want you to carry another human you aren’t ready to raise to full term, or if they hate you just for being gay, or any other type of identity. I don’t feel that often because I try to steer clear of those areas in my city, but when your polling place is a church...? How can I not feel like the outcast aside from few who do feel free to express themselves such as the women with the bomb ass shirts.

Dear Listeners, 

Firstly I want to say thank you for listening. Even if only this little bit and you decide it is not for you. I never want to force anyone to hear my thoughts if they do not wish to.

Which reminds me of someone who didn’t wish to. He was actually the last guy I was talking to. Around eight months of talking, three times fucking (one of which… didn’t actually work out because I gave him a blowjob beforehand so that was a little frustrating), once weekly hangouts (and blowjobs) when he wasn’t working, and a snapchat streak that was broken the last week of us talking. That was when I knew honestly. He said it was because his cat was dying and he just wasn’t on social media much. But even in his most exhausted nights the prior seven months and three weeks, he kept our streak. I gave him his space hoping he’d realize that whatever it is I was willing to work on it. But he never wanted to tell me what it was. Instead, he ghosted me for three to four days and then sent me a text in the middle of the night going something like this:

“Hey, I’m sorry for not responding these last few days. I’ve been doing some thinking and we are in two entirely different areas of our lives and we’re not healthy for each other so I’m ending things here. Again, I’m sorry and goodbye.”

I was heartbroken. And still am honestly. He seemed like he was so good and willing to be so good to me. Then he up and left. I realized that our entire communication system was based on my fear of abandonment. “You’re still into me, right?” “You can still see something serious with me, right?” As my mental health got worse, so did some of the manipulative things I would say. Even to the point that I would say that I wasn’t going to off myself because I wanted at least one more real date with him and not just basement hangouts. Which yes, super shitty thing to say. I want to say I would never say that again but my brain is really fighting me lately. And honestly that scares me. But when I said that to him, I really just wanted to go on another date. I wanted to feel wanted. Or to know I was wanted. I have met one person from his life and that was his brother. I only met his brother because he worked with my childhood best friend. So I was not included in his personal life aside from my own bubble of it for eight months.

See there is shit like that that was obvious red flags. Like, who doesn’t introduce someone at least to your own sibling? He said they were fairly close so like invite me over to chill with y’all? Or something. Please. 

That right there is me asking for the bare minimum. Even if we weren’t official, he had me believing we would be semi soon.

Semi soon. No definition of that at all, and I was willing to put my life on hold because he was just SO sweet to me… yeah, I think I really am just coming from a place of a lack of self love. Because I honestly don’t know much that was so sweet. If I’m going to be honest even, our sex life was so disappointing from my perspective. He made me orgasm on his own two, maybe three times. I made him orgasm (and damn good ones at that) from head nearly every time he came over, which lessened at the end of the eight months. But let’s say eight months times four weeks, once a week on average. 32 hangouts… 32 ish orgasms I’d given him. That orgasm ratio… I really accepted that oh my lord. “Brother, please never again,” my best friend texted me after I sent her that giving him the benefit of the doubt with 3 orgasms is almost a 3:33, 1:11 ratio. When I told my therapist that, her jaw DROPPED. 

Looking back on it, my jaw drops. I actually put up with that? Sure, I love giving head, but I also love orgasms. My thought process was that it takes me some time to come. It was super easy for him, didn’t take long, and was something I enjoyed as well. If he didn’t want to reciprocate, then he didn’t have to. But also I didn’t have to deal with that. I can guarantee that there is someone who meets the same bare minimum who enjoys learning how to make me come, no matter how long it takes to learn.