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Something that Ive been struggling with for awhile now, is how hard it is to articulate the loss of being an adoptee.
It's a particular kind of grief for something you never had.
And how do you even begin to talk about this heavy, empty hole in your chest. This longing for something that nearly everyone around you already has.
And the worst part, is that you feel guilty for feeling this way because you know your parents love you. They've been good to you the best way they knew how.
But the second you try to talk about this lack of connection. This emptiness. They refuse to listen. Because its too hard to see your adoption as anything other than perfect and meant to be. Because deep down it hurts too much to think about why they had to adopt. Because they couldn't have their own child. So they dismiss you.
And you contain your grief. Because its too heavy for them to bear.
somebody did this to me. Somebody consciously chose this for me. Somebody arranged this. Somebody signed off on this. Somebody chose to do this to me. I didn't choose this. I was a baby. so why do I have to be the one to pick it all up and fix it myself. why did my baby self hang onto all of this until it formed part of her schema and then never ever ever let it go
Whenever a well known person does something alternative to the norm with regards to childbearing and parenting it always dredges up some conversation regarding adoption fostering and what constitutes "real" parenting and it is INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!
It also brings up the sort of rhethoric of "there are hundreds of children waiting to be adopted"
Okay, so think about why that is and what are you going to do about it?? or are these imaginary orphans just a "gotcha"
Sometimes I'm so deeply entrenched into my activism and advocacy and my path as an educator both irl and online and I forget that I live in the real world and people don't actually care about the "product" of adoption and surrogacy and fostering i.e the children or adoptees or foster youth or anyone at all. It's seen by how people talk about things so deeply uncritically, how things are "just able to be done" you can "just" adopt, you can "just" ask a surrogate, there are thousands of orphans waiting to be adopted. Your mother loved you so much she gave you up for adoption.
And when you bring up children or adoptees or adopted adults or the "results" of surrogacy or donor conceived people or foster youth or care experienced people it's seen as baffling as to why you'd ever have brought this up in the first place? As if they're completely removed from the conversation, as if they're the one's not part of the conversation when they're the entire result of everything and the most affected.
"They're with a better family now" HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT.
This is tiring. This is frustrating. And you can yell raise hell and shout and wave all you like but somehow for some reason because people aren't involved in adoption people DON'T see and DON'T hear. And I'm really truly at a loss.
And then on the other side it's like "they're not real parents" "this isn't your real child" "adoption isnt real" "only biological family can be a true family' it just proves that no one is listening! No one is listening!!! NO ONE IS LISTENING TO ACTUAL ADOPTEES!!!! The People MOST AFFECTED by these conversations are not included at all. It goes too far way over one way or the other.
Things are much greyer than one makes it out to be. And even though there are people shining light through the fog there are people who aren't looking and aren't seeing. And it's not just a few. It's so many. And that isn't just.
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keep getting people’s stupid opinions on adoption on my tiktok fyp n its reminding me non adopted luv to tell adopted people how they should act and feel even though they have no idea what its like
Tiktok is so toxic for adoptees. Stop talking about things you don't know anything about.
Just because an adoption is closed doesn't mean we don't have a right to look for and reach out to our biological families. Closed adoption was never about birth mom rights. It was about not telling the adoptee they were adopted and keeping secrets to pretend the adoptee was born to their adoptive parents.
It's National Adoption Month and people are spinning lies about adoptees.
The first thing they will tell you is that the anti-adoption crowd just don't have mature opinions.
This is call infantilization. The person writing could be 30 talking about an adoptee that is 40 or 80 and they'll still treat the person like they are a child who just doesn't understand the world.
John Raible, an adoptee and sociologist pointed out a lot of discourse around adoptees goes this way.
Other things are like Adoptees aren't educated and adoptees lie. And adoptees exaggerate. Watching a 30 year old try to say a 50 year old doesn't have enough life experience is something, isn't it?
Here is an example:
"The anti-adoption movement is wrong to universalize the most complex and alarming adoption stories, or treat the existence of any gap as face-value evidence that adoption is harmful."
We need a healthier and truthful conversation about the benefits and challenges of adoption.
As if Adoptees don't have stats from sociology in front of them, don't grow up, get degrees in say, Anthropology.
2. They will lie about statistics or even hide them.
Adoptive parents in the US are mostly white.
According to MEPA, the majority of children taken from homes are Black. Black children are the least likely to be placed. The second largest group to be removed from homes is Latine. The most desired children are white girls with white boys behind them.
What adoption organization will say is that these stats are not real, don't exist, etc, even though they are solid statistics. If you look at the reasons children are removed from homes, etc the majority of the reason why is along the lines of 90% poverty. If you calculate the reasons for surrender, the majority of them around 99% are poverty-related.
And while foster care and adopted children are only a few percentage points higher than the average kid at risk for things like ADHD, mood disorders, sensory disorders, and other childhood trauma responses, often psychologists are unprepared to deal with the complexities of loss in identity with adoptees.
Adoption organizations don't want to get rid of the 90%+ bloat--rather they want to sell it and thrive on it and tell people, but you adopted and rescued this child for more money than it would have taken for the child to stay with their family.
BTW, Liberal states aren't particularly better.
3. All adoptees that are anti adoption are "bad" and "evil" because they had "a bad adoption".
Adoptees scatter on this and not based on their background like suggested here. There are adoptees with a "good adoption" that thought their parents tried their best who are also anti-adoption. There are also adoptees who had a terrible adoption and end up adopting. And there are adoptees in between. The opinions of adoption vary widely. But we do all feel the loss and trauma.
4. "Trauma is an evil word."
Adoption organizations make it out like saying that adoptees have trauma and then it is preventable is evil. To say permanent guardianship can't exist, or open records. Or that we don't need adoption agencies and what about orphanages...
If you took the 99% bloat out of the system in the first place so kids were served first, with their interests front and center, without the influencer bullshit, then the adoption industrial complex would not have to exist.
Trauma is not a dirty word. The fantasy of ripping a (usually white abled bodied child but in reality more PoCs are ripped from their families) and putting that child into another family without genetic mirroring or any sense of identity is trauma. Not knowing your medical information is a trauma. Trauma itself shouldn't be a dirty word. Shaming talking of about trauma is dirty.
5. "Adoptees are a monolith"
There's disagreement in the anti-adoption movement too, ya know. Not that these people care. And some of us carry around stats.
Stats show that when the child isn't blood related to the adult there is a higher percentage chance the child will be abused.
But some adoptees don't care and don't want to engage.
But these orgs will construct a straw man to say all adoptees of a certain belief don't know anything.
Things to think on:
The reason that the majority of adoptees object to adoption is that there are better alternatives and the industry right now is serving the wealthy rich people over the poor people.
When a middle class white person can raise 25K-50K in funds to adopt, but a poor Black single mother could have used that same government subsidy to keep her child in daycare that's when you know the system is broken.
Adoption, unlike any other social issue sucks up all of the social justice issues you hate and makes them worse. It visits the failures of society on children which is backed by larger statistics. Name the social justice ill you hate: transphobia, homophobia, drug addiction, mental health stigma, disability stigma, poverty shaming, sexism, racism... I can keep going. Adoption celebrates them all and says you can ignore them now because PARENTS are more important than the well-being of CHILDREN.
What adoptees I've met from all walks of life have told me over and over is how much they give a shit about the well being of children. They want children's well being to come first. It's not an adult's right to be a parent. But it is the duty of society to take care of its children.
Adoption organizations make out like the bloat is a great thing because then everyone can be parents and get a side of saviorism. That's wrong. Children's well being should come first. It's a child's right to have a guardian and parental figure. Saviorism shouldn't be playing into it.
Prospective Adoptive parents when they heard about the war in Ukraine, what did they say? Did they say I hope none of them enter the system and we should concentrate on making sure Ukraine doesn't fall under Russian control because that's the right thing to do and make sure they stay with Ukrainian people? No. That's not what happened. They were excited about the cache of white children whom they would not be able to care for properly with their no experience in dealing with wartime trauma. Fucking children are not supposed to be some sort of menu prize after a disaster.
People should not be delighting in other people's misery, but this is the core of adoption as it is now. It's not about the children first.
everything ive ever done has had to have meant something .
somehow ig. all this adoption advocacy has to mean something for someone .
sometimes it really feels like im screaming into a loud speaker and people are walking past and i dont even know if it means anything, if anything ive ever said or done has meant anything at all. i dont even know if anyone else who isnt in the know truly cares about adoptees or adoption or anything. and thats gutwrenching at times. Its gutwrenching right now
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it's framed as a humanitarian effort but has anyone really stopped to really actually truly think about the implications of "baby boxes" or "abandon boxes" "safe haven laws" or whatever they're called. like hello. let me just leave this human person in a box and then I'll run away and not receive any medical attention and no one knows who this child is, where they came from, who they came from, who they are. what.
a baby, usually newborn, is anonymously left in a safe place to be found and cared for. A hospital, social centre, church, fire station, in a box, or a hatch, like posting money through the bank hatch after hours, or returning a library book. close the door. goodbye.
i read this comment on a youtube short, and I will literally quote it, "Girls, you can now go into ANY hospital and leave your baby with no consequences and no questions"
hello?? omg? no consequences and no questions?? does ANYONE ever truly ever think of the baby, of the person whose entire world is now left in a wet cardboard box like some cliché. and not to mention the person who gave birth to the baby is probably in desperate need of medical care and literally NOBODY CAN TRACK THEM DOWN.
I am going to start being meaner about people being pro-adoption.
If it were actually about protecting kids, NOBODY would be making posts about how "sad it is" that they can't have bio kids, and that their only option is to buy an infant.
Not. a. single. person.
GUESS WHAT?
IF IT WERE ABOUT THE KIDS, THEN THE PROSPECTIVE INFANT PURCHASER'S OPINIONS WOULD NOT MATTER AT ALL.
but no.
Its somehow never about the adoptees.
ever.
Somehow, in spite of ya know. Fact of the matter that the adoptee is the one affected by this shit.
fuck off with your "90% of adoptions go fine, i totally didn't pull this out of my ass, btw i don't know any adoptees who actually talk about their experiences, so i'm going to talk over you, the adoptee".
fuck off.
The industry standard way to prep an infant for adoption is to neglect the infant until it stops crying entirely, even when hungry, stressed, cold, overwhelmed, or in a filthy diaper. Because that results in fewer "returns".
The INDUSTRY is predicated on mass scale abuse of infants and small children. The trauma starts day fucking one.
EVEN IF THE ADOPTER (who's opinion, btw, does not actually matter very much in the scheme of things, if this is about protecting children from abuse) "LOVES" their purchase very much, that trauma has already happened.
Don't fucking call me ungrateful. You will NEVER understand.
I'm trying not to be bitter when it comes to hot takes about adoption and discussions of adoption in online spaces (esp by those who are not involved in adoption), but it is incredibly demoralising and actually quite insulting to see how people literally use adoptees and foster youth as a sort of "gotcha" in their arguments. As if all we are good for is winning their argument. Put your passion into advocating for adoptees and foster youth, not just the argument you want to win.
I'm disturbed by people's selective activism and the usage of whole groups of people as a gotcha from those who are not involved.
It disturbs me when it comes to certain topical arguments (infertility discussions, abortion rights, current changing events) that adoptees/foster youth/those born of surrogates/donor conceived people are not consulted, ignored, and overlooked, whilst those who are not involved are able to parrot takes that are harmful, wrong, or plain ignorant.
Although it's good to expand your worldview and listen to discussions even when you know you disagree, sometimes it gets very difficult. Anyone else have experience with this?
Activism is difficult enough already, but even moreso when nobody is listening.
honestly I think this idea of having a "forever family", the assumption that an adoptive household is a "forever family" is completely insidious and there should be a conversation within professional spaces dealing with children and families involved within The System regarding the usage of "forever family" as a term referring to permanency.
does it imply that a birth family is not forever?
does it imply that certain families are not forever, and therefore invalid?
does it imply that adoptive families are forever and therefore are unable to be broken (the same way a birth family may be broken?)
does it imply one is better than the other?
it sounds demeaning too. like bringing home an animal. this is your forever family. furever home. whatever. this is alarming and insidious language to me. perhaps it would be better to refer to adoptive households as simply just family. adoptive family is family. birth family is family.
and family can be either good or bad or inbetween. one family is no better than the other, and I feel that using the term "forever" with reference to family implies that one is better than the other when it may not be the case (as so many people live in different situations).
isn't it so bizarre how most of adoption just falls on you, as the adoptee, to try and figure out what it has done to you, how to deal with it. neither adoptive nor birth families seem to really understand it and expect you, as the adoptee, to be the one to magically put things together like a jigsaw, it find all the pieces and force yourself into one space or the other and magically expect you to fit. and it's all entirely 100% up to you, like that family here won't help you and family there won't either. they won't understand it. it's all entirely up to yourself.
this thing has happened to you and it's your problem trying to fit it together, it's your job to make it make sense. it's your fault that this happened to you and you have to meld it in together. this happened to you and you have to live with it. what the hell lol
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So apparently, there is talk about banning international adoption in Sweden, and of course, people's main concern is "WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN". Personally, I don't think this will go through, but i am glad to see Sweden take the mistreatment of adoptees seriously. For years I feel like I've been screaming into a void and not been heard, but at least now we're talking about it. There is talk about focusing resources on the adoptees already living here, like giving them the opportunity to travel to their home country, and that is exactly the kind of thing I have been wanting and wishing for. There also needs to be a focus on mental health for adoptees, as it is a traumatic event and a lot adoptees have no clear sense of self, leaving them feeling lost and like they don't belong. Idk where I'm going with this. I just wanted to share it. As an adoptee, I have mixed feelings, but mostly, if this goes through, I think it might be a step in the right direction. It is a sign that we are focusing on the well being of the kids and not the people who want to become parents. Adoption should be about the well-being of the kids. Not to satisfy someone's need to have a child. And if you can't have kids, there are other ways to go about it. My stance on international adoption has changed drastically through the years once I realized some cases are downright human trafficking, and it makes me question the methods taken during my own adoption. The lies I was told. I don't think I'll ever get a clear answer, but at least we can stop someone else from being bought and sold like cattle and the trauma that comes with having your culture ripped away from you.
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