Wanting children as an adoptee.
Ever since my husband and I got married we have been getting the dreaded question of when are we having kids.
I never thought we would be the ones hounded when we show up somewhere especially church.
It's like damn, can we enjoy our married life? Can we travel? Finish grad school? Be husband and wife for awhile?
There's a lot of pressure as a Christian to have children and get married. But as an adoptee, it hits you differently.
My younger sister who is also adopted got married. Although she started trying as soon as her wedding day, to no avail she was faced with infertility issues which is shocking because she's young. The question then became what was next? Seeing her struggle to become pregnant was heartbreaking. She really wanted to be a mom and tried hard to become one. Our mom suggested looking into adoption because she understands the heartbreak of infertility. Adoption was the blessing that made her a mom after years of praying to become one.
So, my sister signed up to adopt through a private agency with her husband who's also adopted btw. The adoption process isn't easy at all. That's why telling infertile couples to just adopt is inconsiderate. The waitlists are so long and the money needed is something many families don't have right there and then. My parents helped out, but overall it is still hard.
While waiting my sister, was still trying for a biological baby. What agencies don't tell you is many couples will not get chosen but will lose thousands of dollars or get scammed. Many couples try to get pregnant while also trying to adopt. When my sister was matched it always fell through. Birth moms change their minds, choose someone else, or birth family steps in to help with the baby.
Now why am I sharing this? Because my sister did manage to get pregnant through all of this. However, she found out while trying to adopt. My twin nieces are due in November while my niece wss born through adoption in June. She's the cutest little nugget and the first grand child in the family. Another adoptee in a family of adoptees.
However, I can't help but see the changes in my sister. How her body is changing to accommodate pregnancy while trying to parent my niece who was born almost two months ago. How the story of her adoption is complex and complicated too.
Unintentionally, I wonder how she'd feel after labor and childbirth. My parents never had biological children. All of us are adopted. My niece will be raised with biological children and although both of her parents are adopted, they still had biological children. They're already calling the kids triplets and how God rewards those who adopt. My sister is fully on the prolife Jesus adoption wagon.
I wonder how I would feel in my sister's position. Trying so hard to become a parent and willing to do anything to become one. My husband and I talked about this. We keep talking about it.
I never had a strong desire for motherhood until I got married. I wonder what my kids will look like? Will they look like me or my husband? What if I'm infertile? Would I adopt? Do fertility treatments? Be childless?
As an adoptee, it's complicated because there are many expectations on us to support adoption and adopt ourselves. But the truth is, adoption doesn't replace a biological baby. Adoptees have feelings of their own regarding their adoption and adoption generally. On top of this, adoptees are usually second best or settled for. I love my niece but I can't help but feel infertility was leading the way to adopt and seeing if pregnancy works out for the reason why my sister and her husband decided to adopt.
Finally, adoptees have another family they were born into. They might want to meet them or wonder about them. I know I wondered a lot about my birth mom and found her as a teenager.
Truth to be told if I become a parent, I want biological children. I want to carry my husband's children. I want to experience pregnancy and childbirth. I want my kids to be fully mine without sharing them. I want kids without grief and trauma. Seriously, as an adoptee that trauma and grief shit is no joke. Just ask my husband and my parents. Look at past posts here from my teen years and college years.
Simply put, I want something I never had and taken from me. I want biology. My biology. This is not to say I am against adopting, but to say first if I do have kids to become a mother I want biological children. If I can't have biological children, I don't know what I would do. Maybe I'll adopt, but i wouldn't adopt out of spite. I would adopt out of love. I never want an adopted child is settled for them. Sometimes I feel my parents settled for me and just wanted any baby. Similar to my sister. She wanted any baby and was seeing what sticks. I want an adopted child to feel loved not a replacement to the child I couldn't have.
With that being said, I'm excited to create a family with my husband when the time is right to pursue children.
