HerXs

“I’ll allow myself to grieve for you in my dreams, but once I’m awake and it is the dawn of a new day, the only thing I can grieve about is the self that I lost when I was with you. I am awake. You’re not worth my tears.”

“When you left, you left a mess of me. I was a fragment of broken pieces that I had to learn to put back together. I didn’t want to deal with the mess for a long time. I couldn’t even process it at first. How can you process something like that? How can you get used to waking up alone after being used to someones presence for so long. I couldn’t handle waking up to an empty bed, so I filled it with faceless men who I had numbed myself to. It was only until I kissed someone that kissed like you that I snapped back into my reality. Then it got dark. I couldn’t bare looking at another person. I couldn’t imagine loving another person. I didn’t want to feel anyone elses touch. I started seeing you in my dreams more and more and I slept weeks away. When I saw you kissing someone else and laughing with someone else, it really clicked to me that it was over. That realization hit me like a 10 ft wave. The first time I saw you with her I couldn’t breathe. The second time she was on your story, I had to delete my whole page because I wanted to stay in denial. and the third time, well the third times a charm. The third time I found out you actually loved her because you took her to the mountains and you never took me. Heartbreak is like a death you have to keep reliving. I learned that the hard way. I thought I died when you told me you loved me, just not enough to stay. I thought I died when I realized I may never feel your lips again. I thought I died when I saw you with someone else. It was death over and over again for me and every morning the sun rose and I had to deal with my funeral over and over again. Months passed, and as time went by, pieces of me and you went by with it. I so badly wanted to believe in us but it became more clear that we never existed to you. Seeing someone else get the love that you had begged for can really shatter you in more ways than I can write. I’m not bitter about it. I was sad. I was angry. I was numb but I was never bitter, I could never let myself hate you. I tried, becuse it was easier but there was always a place in my heart that was ready for you. I think thats what hurt even more. Knowing I’d let you touch me again if you wanted to. I don’t know how I got over it. I still don’t understand it really. I guess slowly, I had to pick up my pieces because no one else was going to. I loved you, and I blamed myself for the love but I forgot that love was supposed to be beautiful. I started putting the love somewhere else. And after some time, It stopped hurting to see your name. After some time, I wanted someone who would take me to the mountains.”

“dear former lover. i still defend your name like i am the one carrying it. whether it is positive or negative. i tend to be very overprotective when it comes to you, and i’ve accepted it. you will always be a part of my mind, my soul. and i am not sure if i’d change that. letting go is not something i openly support due to me being very naive when it comes to love (hence me staying by your side when i should’ve left). i did let you go though, physically, but i kept my memories of you very close. locking them into my heart, treating them as invaluable treasures. not letting go entirely of you is not all fun and games. it is not only enchanting memories of a very vivid love. it is also your words haunting me, crossing my mind now and then. turning their muffled whispers into loud anthems whenever i do something that would have made you heated. but it is also your words stroking my cheek telling me that they love me and that they punish me for a reason. telling me that their soft words turning into painful phrases has a reason (you deserve it). i’ve accepted it then and i do now. however, accepting it didn’t mean i agreed with the way you treated me. i knew i did not deserve it, not at one point in our time together did i have the feeling that i deserved it. i accepted the fact that this was the way you treated me. hence me not saying that i accepted that that was who you were. i am still very certain that you are not like how you acted you were, and that is the reason why i stayed by your side for a long time. patiently, trying to understand what hurt you in such a way that made you treat me the way you did. i guess i wanted to be the person who’d made you change. that made you forget about everything that had torn you apart. i wanted you to feel loved. whether it was romantically or not. but i wasn’t that person and i’m okay with that. i hope you find someone - whether that someone may be a significant other, a soulmate or even you - to heal whatever is hurting you. revenge may be sweet, but i prefer savoury. with kind regards, your former lover ————————————————————— to all the dear people reading this and thinking to themselves that it’s damn relatable. i wrote this in a very stockholm-syndromy state. i romanticized the shit out of my abuser (as you can read). PLEASE don’t think you can change people, especially if you tried too many times already. you are not someone’s therapist! you deserve all the love & kindness in the whole damn world and there are a billion other people that’ll offer you the WHOLE world! so from the bottom of my heart. if you relate to this post THEN RUN!!!!! RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN!!!! talk to someone you trust, if necessary (or hit me up, i’m always willing to help). i know that leaving seems/looks very hard, it really can be. i thought so too, but i promise you it will get so so so so much better. sending lots of strength and hugs your way 🤍🤍🤍”

Mental health: Fog

The worst part about a relationship ending is slowly realizing all the things that don’t matter anymore. For example, all the dates- his birthday, the day you met, your anniversary- that are just ordinary days again. The comfort is gone, the routines and traditions are over, and it makes you sick, but to make it worse- he’s the person you’d normally go to when you feel this uneasy, and you don’t have anyone else that could make it better like he would. And weeks go by and you’re still thinking about the fact that you know all his favorite foods and you don’t know how to fill that space in your brain with something else. You keep mourning the end of you and him, but then you realize that’s not the only thing that died, because there’s also your five year plan and the inside jokes that don’t exist anymore and the kids with your eyes and his hair who won’t ever be born, and then it hurts all over again.