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But what if the Centaurs worked out Ilya Heart Eyes Rozanov had moved countries, joined a worse team and started a charity with Shane because he was in love with him, but didn't realise they were in an actual romantic relationship.
Think of the shenanigans as they tried to get them together. Ilya might think it was a little bit sweet but he would also be humiliated because he is down bad but it's mutual! The pity would have him punching walls.
Shane has no idea whats going on but its weird he keeps getting locked in rooms with Ilya whenever he visits. Are they being bullied? He begins carrying screwdrivers on him to get them out of all the places they find themselves locked in.
i have a headcanon that shane has a very prominent queer fanbase wayyy before coming out. he’s got a speedo sponsorship and he’s an underwear model, the gays are frothing over him constantly. he’s relatively unaware of this cause he’s not on social media but at some point he hears someone refer to him as a gay icon and he nearly has a panic attack.
post skip ice kiss, people are revisiting the infamous shane/scott fight and a rumor starts that him and scott used to be an item. ilya thinks its hilarious and teasingly asks if he fucked scott hunter, which leads to shane explaining why they actually fought, which only makes ilya happier.
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Can't stop thinking about a fanfic where Ilya feels mournful that he can't take Shane to the places he loved as a kid so instead they spend an evening exploring google maps street view so Shane can still trace the path young Ilya walked to the park with his mother.
This is so stupid, I was writing up a different social media fic and then this occurred to me, and it didn't really fit there. So here you go tumblr
Title: #agegapcouple
You never really know what the internet will come up with this time. Post LG
Group chat - joke about stick handling
Kip: Okay, this is the most hysterical twitter drama to have ever twitter dramaed
Kip: I mean, within our hockey world anyway
Shane: Why does this fill me with dread?
Kyle: I just saw it 😂😂😂
Kyle: I just am really fucking amused by the fact that age gap drama has finally hit our corner of the world, and it’s somehow not about me?
Scott: Wait what? What’s happening?
Ilya: This is the greatest day of my life
Shane: Well that’s comforting
Kip: 😂😂😂
Ilya: Shane, my darling husband!
Ilya: Sadly the internet has decided that we must break up because you seduced me when I was only 18
Shane: Literally what the fuck
Shane: We were both 18!!
Ilya: I will miss you my love
Ilya: But we must be responsible
Ilya: I was so young, so innocent
Ilya: and then you tricked me into bed
Shane: Not one word of that is true
Shane: Where the fuck is this coming from?
Scott: Kip is too busy dying of laughter to explain
Scott: I think he’s about to pull something
Kyle: This is so fucking funny
Kyle: So after you guys did that thing where you revealed your relationship timeline there was obviously a lot of discussion on what that means
Shane: Oh obviously 🙄
Kyle: And then someone posted this
Img. of a tweet
@hockeywithswords88 posted: idk you guys, doesn’t the whole thing about him being a teenager kind of squick you out? He was only 18?
Kyle: And then a bunch of people started discussing it and going back and forth and people are getting very upset 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Shane: Literally what the fuck is my life
Shane: Again! We were both the same age!
Ilya: Ah no, my love, you are much older than me
Ilya: Five whole weeks!
Ilya: Imagine all I had to learn about life in those five weeks
Ilya: Before you used your age to dispoil me
Eric: Seriously? This is real? Is this something we actually have to be concerned about?
Scott: I mean obviously it doesn’t have any legs, it’s insane. We should ignore it.
Ilya: 😉
Scott: You already posted something didn’t you?
@Rozanov81 posted
It is very true, my older husband seduced me when I was a young innocent of only 18. Who knows what I could have been #agegapcouple
↳@ShaneHollander-24
I am divorcing you
↳↳@ShaneHollander-24
And I am taking all your money, our house, and the dog
↳↳↳@Rozanov81
You should be much nicer to your poor young husband
↳↳↳↳@Rozanov81
You can’t have Anya, she is my child whom I birthed
↳↳↳↳↳@ShaneHollander-24
Since when the fuck do you know the word ‘whom’?
↳@HayeSaves
I feel like the internet should know, that whenever #hockeyhusbands are fighting on twitter they are usually doing so from the same couch
Img: Shane and Ilya on a short couch, heads at either end, and legs intertwined in the middle, both smiling at their phones, both chewing on their hoodie strings
↳↳@TYKyleKyle
Disgusting! This is no place for those kinds of #agegapcouples!
@Rozanov81 posted
I have never thought before about the five week age gap between me and my old husband. Thank you so much, twitter, for informing me of the difficulties with #agegapcouples I will reevaluate!
↳@ShaneHollander-24
Who is teaching you these words?
↳↳@HayeSaves
Literally you? He just asked you how to spell reevaluate and you told him?
A couple months later
@Rozanov81
Happy birthday to my lovely husband!!
Imgs: Shane smiling at his cake, Yuna David and Shane at the dinner table, a selfie of Ilya kissing Shane on the cheek while they both grin
↳@Rozanov81
Of course now is the time of year where the #agegap is most concerning
↳↳@Rozanov81
Hey @KipG, do you have any advice on dating very old dinosaurs?
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And what if Shane Hollander had told Ilya Rozanov during that phone call to say everything he was feeling in Russian even though he wouldn't understand it, except several minutes later he hears Ilya confessing he loves him and Shane understands that because he knew he was in love with Ilya and had looked up how to say "I love you" in Russian hoping that one day he'd be brave enough to say the words. Shane hadn't meant to lie, he just hadn't expected that part of Ilya's feelings would include the only three words of Russian he knows
Conclave characters and why I would scold them from - As a newbie teacher.
Thomas Lawrence
Always gossiping in class but is not really his fault because all of the other children would be starting it tbh, he would also be the kid that always tries to help me out with EVERYTHING and stresses himself out for not being able to complete a word puzzle.
Severity of the 'scolding' - 4.5/10, not really mad at him, just caring that he remains a kid.
Raymond O'Malley
Always snooping, always talking with anyone no matter how much I make him change seats, he would definetely make me laugh but I would take away his star sticker either way.
Severity of the scolding - 6/10, these kind of students can be a bit difficult to work with since they usually will distract everyone else in the classroom.
Aldo Bellini
Obsessive kid. First of, he would have a buzzcut because he always somehow gets lice, also he does not know how to mind his own business.
He is ALWAYS obsessively trying to speak with Lawrence the second I turn around to help a classmate, he will literally stand up and make his way to Thomas to chat.
Also, he is obsessed with Tedesco, like, Goffredo sits behind him, so literally anything poor Goffredo does is somehow a nuiscance to him "teacher he took my crayon!" "he kicked me!" "he is humming again!"
Severity of the scolding - 5/10 because it is annoying, but Goffredo does kinda earn some of the hate and he does not learn.
Goffredo Tedesco
Where do I even begin? He will eat in class, steal lunches and since it is elementary school and he cannot vape he will always be either chewing gums or pencils, he is very distraught but also very, very obsessive with doing his schoolwork.
He will be the kid that is 'ahead of his age' in the worst of ways, swears and calls other kids slurs and insults that you just know he heard from his family environment.
To be fair with him, most of the time he is just existing but his sole presence annoys Aldo too much which makes me feel sorry for him but then I remember he is the head of some little gang they have and I remember that he is just as capable of being a bad kid.
Severity of the 'scolding' - 8/10 if he does call other kids slurs and other words.
Adeyemi
Flirting with other girls, lying and overall having a girlfriend grades below him that he goes to visit to her classroom causing him to miss classes.
Other than that he is very neat in his work, his classmates love him and he always has nice supplies and is great in his oral performances (speaking, presentations, etc)
Severity of the scolding - 4/10 he knows how to pretend to be a good kid.
Tremblay
Real life history: One of my third graders once asked me if I would give him a 10/10 in a test if he gave me 5 dollars, that kid would have been Tremblay of course.
He is sportive, always talking with his classmates about hockey, won't speak to Agnes and I don't undersand why.
This guy also is a top tier snitch and hides the report cards sent to his parents the same way he hid the instructions from the pope.
Severity of the scolding - 5/10 because I just can't prove that he is misbehaving.
Tell me if I should do a part 2 and who I should include
How much do you think it fucked Ilya's brain to be the only human being who gets to witness Shane *standing man emoji* Hollander show up to every hook up walking awkwardly and standing in a manner that makes his huge athletic body look 2 apples tall and not knowing what to do with his hands and the spongebob brain fire meme is happening inside his head trying to start a conversation and looking around nervously up until the second Ilya's lips touch his and this bitch turns into a full fucking sex machine tank full of horny fuel rubbing himself on Ilya's dick like he's trying to light a match on a brick wall climbing him like a spider monkey scratching his back and peeling off enough skin to put him behind bars for attempted murder dropping to his knees nuzzling his face on Ilya's crotch and swallowing his dick like it's the only meal he can eat call that a macrobiodick diet and he's ripping Ilya's clothes off and bending over the first piece of furniture in sight and as soon as he's done getting his ass ate he's throwing Ilya on the bed and riding him like a cowboy from the Academy Award winning cowboy movie of his namesake (I just found out about Shane 1953 like 2 seconds ago) and reducing Ilya to a babbling pathetic Russian mess begging to come.
And as soon as they're done, Shane walks out of the bathroom like he just fell from an alien ship and has no idea what planet he's on. He's standing in the doorway fiddling with his hands and waiting for a signal to bolt out of the room like his ass is on fire.
yuna and david studying shane's microexpressions to see if he reacts more to swedish prince or swedish princess, trying to figure out if he likes men or not, meanwhile shane's barely even registered that they're trying to set him up because he can't think about anything except losing his subscription to russias greatest love machine
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I desperately need more fics that focus on people's surprise that Shane Hollander, Mr. Polite Canadian with his Media Perfect Smile and Practiced Bland Answers and Good Sportsmanship and Sweetheart "Let's Go!" Cheer when he beat Scott and Ilya's time at All-Stars, to realize that the real Shane's vocabulary is literally 30% the word "fuck".
"Fuck you", "fuck off", "you fucking moron", "I fucking hate you", "this fucking guy", "go fuck yourself", "are you fucking kidding me", "I will fucking kill you, motherfucker", "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" are all things he will say within 45 minutes of showing up to practice.
I need more fics of everyone being a little shellshocked about just how much Shane Hollander swears and meanwhile Ilya is just laughing in the background because he told people Shane swore like a sailor and nobody believed him until now.
just saw someone say “shane doesn’t know he’s autistic so ilya doesn’t know either”. y’all. come on. he might not KNOW the word for it but that man is googling “why boyfriend cry when touching velvet” “why boyfriend gag at mushy texture” “boyfriend can’t keep things out of his mouth like toddler” EVENTUALLY he stumbles upon the right combo of words to get “autism explained” search results
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