Hell Is Empty And All The Devils Are Here

I stare at you from afar, with only brief glances at you to dream about. The thought of someone like you loving causes my heart to ache and break. For how could I love anyone else, when I do not even love myself. When I cannot accept myself for who I am. The tears that fall before bed, soothe myself into dreaming of someone like you that would hold me and wipe my pain away. Someone warm to hug me from behind and comfort me with cliché words of love. My mind is shattering into pieces, with how I long for someone like you to put me back together. To help me to want to live again and enjoy the beauties of life. I want to run through a field of yellow flowers with you, carefree and with the nativity of a child. But what does your voice sound like? What does your laughter sound like? Am I really in love with someone who I’ve only gazed at, or am I in love with the idea that someone like you would take care of me? I want to take care of you and bake you cookies. I want to wake up in the morning with thoughts of a smile as bright as the rising sun on a spring day. A spring day in which the breeze is cool and the birds sing songs of love and life as they fly over the soft wet grass. I want to love someone, but am no more than an automated shell, who cannot take this world anymore. Of course I feel attracted to you, for I’ve only seen versions of you on the internet. Anger directed to myself rips through me for having a pitiful crush on someone who barely knows my first name, because I also barely know your first name. I stay up too late trembling with the feelings of deliria. I feel so empty and lost right now and need the comfort of another human being. The thoughts of comfort both make me sick and cry out in pain for I cannot define love. Love is too abstract of a concept for me to comprehend. The time to close my eyes is coming, and I’ll walk into class tomorrow and stare out you with feelings of disgust when I remember how the thought of you provides me comfort that causes me to long for you even more. My soul is cursed because of my crush on you. We may never speak a word to each other, because I believe in telekinesis. Maybe I have been consuming too much romance material. I hate that I feel like this. My feelings feel like they are about to erupt out of my guts and pour out with even more hatred for myself. I laugh and scoff at love because I know it does not exist, but you are proof that my soul may feel something other than pain. Please just talk to me. I beg of you. For I cannot bear my existence to have the confidence to say even a word to you.  I feel like a creep with these thoughts of longing for you, but remind myself it's because I have not come to terms with my sexuality and have not had a human being care for my feelings. I have spent too long pitying myself, just as a mother babies their toddler. The small bits of sanity left are trying to grasp anything and have turned you into an obsession, because my sanity realizes that my symptoms of longing for another human is the last piece of what makes me human and one of my last motivators to keep me living. If I do not get a taste of what love is, or even a small nibble, my existence from this world will disappear like ashes in the wind. Forgotten and carried away by a breeze

 Sayonara Eiji

    As the petrifaction of what could have been takes over, Let me tell you dear reader of a story from not long ago. One of tragedy and beauty all the same.