Alligator

it is so wild that Samwise Gamgee is out here playing people’s greying portly stepdads and Frodo Baggins is still roughly 19 years of age

#its the ring

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

“I’m sorry you thought my antisemitic opinion was antisemitic. I just wanted to blame the Jews; I didn’t think you’d find my antisemitism actually antisemitic!”

“We do not promote content that can be interpreted as anti-Semitic. However, we are not removing this article we published that uses anti-Jewish tropes popularised by the Nazis and has, indeed, been interpreted as anti-Semitic, by the author’s own admission in the below statement.”

Thisade my fucking morning holy shit

Kids know everything man

wet dog meets semi-wet dog

im you, but with legs

When will my reflection show who I am inside

1 gallon of regular chocolate

18 minutes of flour

5 plates of salt

wtf is harper talking about

The bros is here for you

reblog stability mario to have your shit together in 2018

Reblog the Rebel Artist Punk Wolf to achieve glorious turquoise sideburns.  

i cant believe its daylight savings time and i havent seen the “hello its me your cousin oskaar from iceland” video on my dash yet you are all slackers