i dont have tits my pecs are just huge bro trust me im ripped

if rats can hold a cracker they can hold a sword 

bro shut up im trying find your gspot

in multiple interviews jake gyllenhaal has said that he has no friends and i just hope he knows that it doesn’t have to be that way. i could be your friend jake. i wouldn’t mind

Me, putting a red bracelet on the leg of a male red wing blackbird: ON GOD we gonna get u some pussy bro

this post almost moved me to tears

I once had a professor SLAM a thermos down on his desk and say to us “there’s more pressure in my sinuses right now than there is at the bottom of the sea. This thing’s full of NyQuil. I’m going to drink it while I teach, and when your heads are replaced by swirling rainbows, I will cancel the rest of class.” The class ended up being 17 minutes long.

Your professor was trying to fight God

i hate airpods dude id rather be broke than have two lil tiny things to keep track of. “oh there’s like a carrier” muh muh muh like i’ll remember the carrier when im barreling out of my door with the bus coming in 2 minutes. an airpod falls out and falls into a storm drain. i fling my head around to watch it fall and the other one flies out into the street and my bus crushes it. i scream in agony and run up to it and the bus just barrels straight over me bc bus drivers in chicago have 3 kill allowances a year

maybe if u stop putting celebrities on pedestal and start treating them like what they really are to you (STRANGERS) then you would realize that cancel culture isn’t real

if your friends date underage girl would you still be friends with them? if your neighbor is on twitter writing borderline sexist and pedeophilic jokes would u still welcome them into your home? stop putting money into strangers’ pockets

daydreaming about the controversial statements i would make as a moderately famous musician during interviews with pitchfork

You pleased a mad fae trickster

SPITE

how many hands you got

two? don’t see how that’s relevant

that’s still four people

will smith isn’t gay. he has a wife and three beautiful, talented children