harasmiy

Me: So you want to break up.

Him: Noooo...

Me: ...So you do want to break up.

Him: No, I don't!

Me: (later)

The more I think about it the less inclined I feel to message you again.

Because the more I go back and make sense of what went down in the past week, the more I realize you were making me choose. Either break up with you or stand down and accept that things may never change.

You were trying to make me desperately cling on to you.

You wanted things comfortable for you, just as they were before.

I had naively thought you were too dumb to see that I wanted you to try to win me back.

The thought may have occurred to you, but you were never going to do such a thing.

Mind games Mind games from the beginning, mind games ‘til the end

All mind games to test, to have the upper hand, to make vulnerable, to pet ego, to get your way

Not only has it been an eye-opening experience in terms of boys, people, and relationships, but also it’s been educational in a way no other relationship has.

This breakup has helped me realize my self-worth.

I deserve better. I deserve what I want. I deserve thoughtfulness and gestures. I deserve romance. I deserve selflessness. I deserve equality. I deserve someone who wants to make me feel special and does everything to do exactly that. Someone that makes me feel like a fucking princess, not necessarily because of the money they spend on me or how much they pamper me, but because I am their priority. Someone that makes me feel like a gem. Because I am. Maybe not to every person I meet, but surely to someone out there. They see the best in me and think I’m amazing.

I deserve better not only in relationships but also from myself.

It’s not enough to feel like I don’t deserve to die. I deserve to live, to really live. I deserve to give myself my best effort. I deserve to give myself everything I want from life.

I deserve good relationships. I deserve success. I deserve everything. Not because I’m pretty enough or I measure up on some scale of goodness or I’ve done everything right on some imaginary objective checklist.

Just because that’s what I want.

I hate that you told me you liked me. I hate that I told you I liked you back. I hate that I got attached when you never did. 

I miss you. I have things to do. I want to be around you all the time. We spend too much time together. You don’t show me enough affection. You’re too needy. I want to introduce you as my boyfriend. I don’t want to feel obliged.

Father,

I do not understand. 

Are you trying to make my life miserable by making me go through the trash because every other item in there would be recyclable, and by making sure there’s always at least one can from eating fish? (gag)

난 평생 이 상태에서 극복하지 못할거 같다. 이 삶을 계속해도 망하고 등을 돌려도 죄책감에 시달려 못 살거 같다. 잘하는 것도 없고 하고 싶은 것도 없고 그냥 죽고싶다. 시발.

I should stop celebrating my birthday on the date and celebrate it a day later instead.

That way, I can spend the day in peaceful nonchalance and hold off on the disappointment until the day after.