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@happyapostate
Big news, y'all. I'm sitting in a theatre about to see The Book of Mormon Musical Broadway tour.
I remember when tbm me was horrified when this show premiered. Now I'm so excited, I'm on the verge of tears lol
I'll be sure to share my musings as a happy apostate after the show 😊
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i feel like everything i do is for attention. the church isn’t not really as bad as i make it out to be, i’m just being overdramatic, i’m not really having a panic attack/breakdown, i just want people to notice me.
i honestly don’t know, sometimes, if i’m faking it or not.
If it’s any consolation, me too
that’s n.a. pretty common thing in folks whose abuse and trauma revolves around gaslighting and rejection of emotions (both of which the church does). you’re not overreacting, you may be doing it for attention but attention is part of what most human brains need to do well, and you’re not faking your pain.
not sure how accessible mental health resources are to you atm, but i might look into seeing a therapist at some point, whether that’s soon or when youte no longer living with family and not actively in a shitty situation. they don’t have all the answers, but they can be really helpful sometimes.
yeah sex is cool and all but have you recently stopped going to church after being forced to go every sunday for your whole life?
Freeing things for me as an exmo
Saying “oh my god” loudly and often
Cutting my hair
“Holy fuck”
Cursing in general
That first sip of coffee
The knowledge that alcohol wont damn me
Wearing pants on sundays
Staying home on sundays
Watching R rated movies
Being openly gay
Getting to have a girlfriend
Premarital sex
Throwing away my scriptures
Wearing a bikini in public
And shorts that dont come to my knees
And crop tops
Multiple piercings, especially my nose ring
Tattoos
The feeling of ownership over my body
Lots of unabashed swearing
"Jesus fucking christ" is a personal favorite
Drinking lots and lots of coffee
Spending Sunday doing whatever I want
Prioritizing my autonomy over god/religion
ellen: so, we heard you like the stripling warriors
me: omgsh ellen you didn’t
[sound of thundering as two thousand heavily armed boys stampede into the studio, destroying everything in their path]
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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A day late, but Earth Day had me thinking about when I was a tbm, I didn't give a shit about saving the planet bc Jesus was gonna come any day and the world was gonna burn anyway so that's like super fucking cool. My mentality was literally, "why make an effort when the earth is going to 'be renewed and receive it's paradisiacal glory'."
I understand that that some mormons take the stance of being steward of the earth and taking care of God's creation, but that was never taught in church when I was a kid. I know waaayyyyy too many tbms who still think the way I used to. And not in a malevolent way, just a "everything is in God's hands" kind of way and that fucking terrifies me.
Anyway, happy belated Earth Day. Long live our earth Mother. And dont forget to vote for politicians who care abo climate change ♻️🌍✌☮
Religion is wilful ignorance.
As long as I live, I will be grateful that I got out the mormon church before I had to wear temple garments. I can't even begin to imagine how horribly depressing that would have been or the damage that would have done to my self esteem.
listen. if your religion requires you to reject a part of yourself, its unhealthy.
if your religion condemns you for something you cant control its abusive.
if the people in your religious community encourage unhealthy behaviors, its straight up terrible and you have the right to leave.
spirituality is supposed to enlighten you and fill you with reason and passion and self. if it doesn’t do that, you don’t have to stay. you deserve to be happy.
One more thing about the November Policy change:
LDS doctrine is very clear that repentance is more than just saying that you’re sorry. It’s about (1) asking for forgiveness, (2) making restitution, and (3) forsaking sin. The church has done none of these things for the queer community.
Until the church truly repents for all of the sorrow and sadness and hatred that it has caused over the past seven decades, it will still have the blood of hundreds of dead queer children on its hands. Things can not move forward if the church refuses to make amends for its actions.
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The Sinner among the Saints
The Spirit of God like a fire is burning!
The latter-day glory begins to come forth;
The visions and blessings of old are returning,
And angels are coming to visit the earth.
When I was a child the music echoing around the chapel meant something.
Now I can’t even choke out a single line without being reminded of my double life.
Some part of me is still caged inside that little girl singing about empty promises and skipping off to primary while holding her best friend’s hand.
Another part of me is flying down a dirt road in that old rusted Chevy.
Singing old Queen songs until my lungs are almost collapsing within themselves.
Forgetting about the pressure that’s cracking my ribcage.
Sitting, zombified with a shy smile on my little doll face whenever the adults grin and pat me on the head for being a Good Girl.
Praying to a God that never answers, that they won’t see the cracks in my composure, that they won’t notice the anguish seeping out of my eyes and onto my cheeks.
Screaming at the sky until the noise is covered up by the “How are you’s” and the brief handshakes that accompany idle chatter.
Now I’m shoving my scriptures under my bed and burning all the papers that I once believed in. I wear my dresses and tank- tops without a T-shirt underneath. I’m slowly picking the lock on my cage, it’s possible that I’ll be able to fly again, even with my clipped wings.
The Sin on my skin is so bold, that I’m surprised that no one’s noticed.
you are not required to be happy or grateful that the november policy was rescinded. you do not have to pretend that the leaders aren’t essentially saying that mormon god chose to torment lgbt people for 3.5 years. you are not required to give the church the benefit of the doubt, or to return.
this is the apologies and gift giving part of the cycle of abuse. you do not have to give in to it.
Several years back: “hell” oh my goodness I better go repent I’m such a horrible human
Now: “fuck is my favorite word.”
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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For any of you exmos who are still stuck in the church for whatever reason, I’ve found that it feels a lot less horrible when I flip their bullshit platitude around and call myself “In the church, but not of the church”. It’s both funny and helps you feel less trapped until your circumstances allow you to leave.
also unrelated but oh my god why??? are there so many rules in Mormonism???? That make no sense??????????
like I’m 18 years old and I just drank tea for the first time 2 months ago despite being out of the LDS Church for 4 years at this point, and that shit is DELICIOUS. And it’s super good for you, apparently, so why??? why no tea????
and dear god why did this religion make me feel so much fear even four years later over just a simple BEVERAGE made of LEAF WATER
Literally so many pointless rules! Its almost like they're founded with the purpose of controlling and micromanaging every aspect of the church members' lives, rather than representing divine truth and revelation from God...oh wait...
