That's a real kick in the dick

Ghosts aren't real, it was probably just the house settling that gave you that blowjob

im going to fix my entire life

When?

Like Um. later

hello my name is Stray Hair snd my big dream is to play the itsy bitsy spider on broadway. doyou mind if i practice on the side of your head.

the best part about having a job is being able to go through doors other people aren’t allowed to use the worst part is everything else

I looove when food is in a bowl. Frequently plates are being brought out and I'm thinking this could've been a bowl meal but nobody gets it

long distance friends pets feel like celebrities because you can only be parasocial with them

this fetish stuff is getting out of hand what the fuck is word play

locked in? no. i'm tucked in. goodnight

i love when my mutuals are mutuals with each other #myecosystem #myenclosure

it's extremely funny reading historical accounts of Spontaneous Human Combustion because it follows the normal historical trend of other 1800s paranormal phenomena where it stopped happening as much right around the time cameras were invented and stopped happening entirely when everyone started carrying mini cameras in their pockets, but unlike most others of its ilk, it was effectively replaced by this mysterious phenomena where alocoholics would spill liqour on themselves and then fall asleep smoking a cigarette and turn into a fireball. nobody knows if these two things are related

Fanfiction is insane. You can write porn so good you make friends.

Your misbehaving boyfriend is not funny to me