HafanaHafanaf

Well fuck you

Like you think it's my choice?

You think I would choose to be this piece of shit if I had a choice

Cause I do not??

I'm not choosing to be this mental wreck, I fucking hate to be myself and if I could change, I would, but I can't

But If you'd have use your brain (which I'm not sure you even have), you could figure this much out

Non of us chose to be sick

Non of us chose this

I'm glad you don't have problems like this, that you can go out with you friends and try new things out without constantly feeling this sadness/fear

But I cannot

We cannot

I didn't say we don't want to, because we do

We do wanna live a life that we're gonna be proud of

We really do

But we can't

And it'd be great if you would understand this

that word. that damn word. 9 letters that carry such a colossal meaning. the overuse of this word has diminished its meaning. let me explain to you what it means to be a depressed person.

the best way i can describe depression is feeling everything and nothing all at once. it’s feeling so overwhelmed with every emotion that you don’t actually know which emotions you’re feeling. it’s like holding your breath but never feeling the water. it’s confusion, anger, heartbreak, sadness and hysteria. it’s everything and nothing all at once. you can’t explain how you feel because you don’t know the answer yourself, so you keep quiet, because you don’t want people to worry.

your days merge in to one. one minute its monday the next it’s thursday and you have no recollection of the days in between. it’s not knowing the date for days on end because the term days doesn’t mean anything anymore. it’s ignoring the sunlight for the darkness of your room.

it’s not eating because you don’t feel hungry. it’s overindulging because you want to feel something. it’s sleeping for 12+ hours each day. it’s not sleeping  for more than 4 hours a night. its crying, fear, isolation. its not messaging your friends back but still scrolling through social media because you have no energy to do anything else.

h o w e v e r

it’s also going out everyday, whether that be to work, school or to see friends. it’s cracking jokes endlessly. it’s carrying out a normal daily routine as if nothing is wrong. it falling asleep on monday and waking up on tuesday. it’s smiling. it’s feeling. it’s everything and nothing.