âGetting startedâ âgetting the ball rollingâ âtaking the first stepâ is a narrative. Itâs not real. There is no âprocessâ because the future isnât real; only the present is is. And only with looking back at your memories you generate a narrative of your life; itâs naturally retrospective. We are narrative creatures who make meaning out of said narrative. But that doesnât mean the narrative is ârealâ - itâs a construction of your brain that you need to respect as part of you. Externalising that narrative and pretending itâs ârealâ is actually a major insult to your brainâs magnificent ability to process and make meaning, and therefore itâs a fundamental insult against yourself.
Some people can use a theoretical future of themselves as motivation, and good for them. But if itâs not working for you, you need to consider why. Despite not being able to get out of bed sometimes, the person who made this comic still made something. Despite having your periodic breakdowns, you still moved your fingers to reblog this post. Compare and contrast the difference between why you do some things and not others. âBut thatâs different -â yes, it is different. But there are only actions, consequences and what you value. You value not being thirsty, so you take a drink. You value not being broke, so you drag yourself to work. Itâs exactly that deep. Narrative makes you forget that youâre always in a direct 1:1 relationship with your environment. And that feels scary, but itâs not - itâs how weâve always existed, from the very first rudimentary lifeform whose only sign of life was âwant nutrients -> consume nutrientsâ. We want to think weâre more sophisticated than that, but weâre not.
Narrative is a comfortable cushion, because narrative makes you forget that when you âstart the ball rollingâ, you donât magically become a montage, or a cut-scene version of yourself. Youâre still there, youâre still making decisions, youâre still feeling some type of way about the stimulus youâre experiencing. Depression is a narrative cushion, and thatâs why it feels comfortable. Never feeling responsible for yourself feels safe, but in doing so you communicate to yourself that you donât deserve to be here (which becomes literal in the form of suicidal ideation).
In my experience, if I canât get myself to do something, thatâs because I actually donât want to do it. And the reasons I donât want to do it might make me feel deeply embarrassed: I donât want to learn pottery if it means I have to take a bus across town to get to the class. I donât want to read a certain book because itâs too long. I donât want to prepare that dish because its too expensive. Sunk cost fallacy is one hell of a drug. And narrative has you always feeling outside of yourself, as if you owe something to some universal force of objectivity which is telling you youâre supposed to do those things: you said you were going to do it, youâve bought the tools, youâve told your mum, why arenât you fucking doing it? Itâs so easy, whatâs wrong with you? But even thatâs an abstraction, because in reality nobody is telling you that but yourself. You might not consciously believe in this universal force of objectivity, but you will find yourself bristle when challenged about it. If someone says âyou donât have to do thatâ, you may want to fire back âbut I do!â
There are only actions and consequences, and what consequences you value. There is. no. âshouldâ. There is no âhave toâ. There is no âneedâ. If you stop brushing your teeth, maybe theyâll fall out, and maybe you donât give a shit. Or maybe the thought of that horrifies you, and suddenly youâre motivated to brush your teeth. Narratives will have you forget that itâs your prerogative as an individual to want, and those wants are never going to pure or 100% correct. That concept is fake as the narrative is. Make no mistake, all these things are useful for us to make more informed decisions so we can live rich, fulfilling lives - but by that nature that means they come from within us and are how we generated meaning and process the world and our selfhoods.
There is nothing âwrongâ with you. And as with everything else, that âwrongâ is also a constructed concept and is therefore not ârealâ. I still use the word depression to describe what I went through, but I understand now that believing in what society says being âmentally illâ is is exactly what was holding me back. Society says being mentally ill means that youâre broken and wrong and incapable of making rational decisions for yourself. What I discovered is that Iâm always a rational agent, and itâs my prerogative to be an individual, and that narrative cushion of depression was actually preventing me from making the decisions for myself that Iâve always known Iâve wanted.
People who have never had depression yet never have exercised, âfollowed their dreamsâ or eaten healthily in their lives will be doing exactly the same shit as you and thinking their life is pretty chill whilst you have breakdown after breakdown. The only difference is, those people will stop âbedrottingâ the moment their bestie starts a Zumba class and suddenly theyâve caught the exercise bug. Theyâre not fundamentally more rational people than you just because they donât have depression; theyâre just not reliant on that narrative as you. Theyâve not categorised what theyâre doing âas not exercisingâ - theyâre just chilling, living their life, and besides the gym is all the way across town. So when suddenly an opportunity for exercise comes along, theyâre not burdened with all this narrative - they just want to do the thing, maybe for low-key âbadâ reasons e.g. they donât want to miss out on things their friend is doing, or thereâs a hot guy teaching the class.
What I eventually came to learn is that Iâm not living in a separate dimension entirely incapable of being like them. In fact, if youâre anything like me with mental health problems you probably have something they donât: self awareness. And whilst self awareness feels so deeply embarrassing, remember there are only actions and consequences, and what you value. And you exist in reality first, including the reality of you. You canât âold man yells at cloudâ your way outta this one.
The moment I decided to treat my self awareness as a boon instead of a curse is the moment I was able to write aaaaall this shit on tumblr. And is that bad of me, that I didnât write a book instead? The book is the âcorrectâ route, no? But thatâs the thing; I know that if I had stuck with believing that I âhadâ to write a book, I would have written nothing. Am I so fucked up in the head that I canât muster up the attention span, to âstart the ball rollingâ in writing a whole book? I dunno, thatâs a narrative categorisation of myself that doesnât mean anything real. Iâm just who I am now so Iâd rather work with that. You can call me that if you like, but Iâm just chilling.