No squirts here i'm afraid

if youre in the US (especially the northeast + michigan) i would avoid bagged salads/greens and generally wash your produce very thoroughly unless you want the diarrhea parasite

it must be so freeing to be as stupid as a ceo. not a single thought echoing through that hollowed out skull. you get paid more money in 20 minutes than a handful of small countries make in a year combined to say the biggest number you can think of and if your company doesn’t hit that number you get to fire all of them

[scoffs] You couldn't PAY me to jack off to Brian Griffin! [remembers the state of the economy] Well, you could, but it would have to be a four figure amount. [remembers to be honest to myself] Three figures. [remembers not to devalue my own labor] Four figures.

She took the sprockets to my steam machine she doin too much

i didnt oil my wingnut i just swooped and geared up

When youre a kid youre like wtf adults are making themselves sick with poisons and when youre an adult youre like i need more poisons ASAP

She ravenously consumed and devoured until all that remained was a barren, lifeless expanse

i take my tomestone to ishgard and show it to a sickly brume child and i say theres this band called imagine dragons do u wanna listen and he stares shellshocked off into the distance and says i dont have to imagine them