professional jerk-ass

hey boss i can't come in today it's a sunny day and there's a lovely breeze coming in through my window, yeah it's rustling the branches of the tree outside that's finally bloomed so it's pretty serious

happy first day of pride everyone

was outside earlier and a bird Came Up, squatted down, fluttered it’s wings at me and opened its mouth like a hatchling begging for food (it was a grown female) so I went and checked the seed cube in the feeder and the thing was completely covered in mold. this is one of the weirdest things that’s ever happened to me. how did she know im the one in charge of the birdseed. How Did She Know To Pantomime Hunger At Me. Hello.

i have spent my afternoon confusedly getting dressed, driving to the store, purchasing a new seed block, driving home, washing the cage, and getting the feeder set back up. i don’t take this much care for my Own nutrition. ive been bullied into a grocery store run by a tufted titmouse. i feel so loved

After 13 years of this, it's still funny to me that detailing a full mental breakdown on tumblr is standard fare, but posting a nice selfie is a fraught decision.

this is the correct way around and every other social media site is wrong

(bravely) I think body parts should only hurt if something is wrong.

And that something should be fixable

Ideally with a warm bath and a good night's sleep

I would still use my turn signals in the Mad Max Wasteland. They'd call me "Signal" because I'd hit my blinker before ramming the enemy hot rods into the side of a desert ravine. I'd use my turn signal every time. They would respect me for this.

"That is Signal, the Last Follower of the Old Law."

Lets all suck on glass together and make the aquarium clean for everyone

The apple they fed to snow white wasnt poision at all it was just a red delicious

Tango. Uniform. Mike. Bravo. Lima. Romeo.

Kilo.

Uniform.

November

Golf.

Papa

Oscar

Whiskey

Papa

Echo

November

India

Sierra.

I like to fuck around and waste time for at least ~6-10 hours per day, and let me tell you, that really puts some pressure on your schedule. you have no idea how busy I am

shout out to women this pride month

*starts beatboxing*

A catagory 6 cunt quake in computer city has left my haters dead & shit