i've been rereading the dream thieves and find it super interesting to consider ronan's sexuality and his second secret through a specifically catholic framework. throughout trb and tdt, there are obviously multiple nods to ronan being gay: "i'm always straight" "that's the biggest lie you've ever told", "ronan wasn't a fan of lamps," the double meaning of "i know what you are" said by both kavinsky and declan, etc. ronan grapples with both his identity as a dreamer and his sexuality in tdtā"please god what am i tell me what i am"āyet the culmination of ronan's self-acceptance isn't just overcoming self-hatred and admitting that he's gay. it's specifically tied to his feelings for adam: "ronan's second secret was adam parrish." this is a way to overtly communicate that he's gay in-text, but there's nuance in the fact that his second secret is not generalized and identity-based, but intertwined with his attraction to a specific person.
now allow me to dive into the catholicism of it all, because it's interesting how ronan coming to terms with his sexuality is informed by catholic vs. protestant stances on queerness (very broadly speaking). whereas many protestant christian religions encourage praying the gay away and becoming heterosexual through god's will (aka conversion therapy), the stance of the catholic church on homosexuality is more along the lines of "you can't control that you have same-sex desire, but everyone has their crosses to bear so just don't act on it." as such, the catechism states that āhomosexual persons are called to chastity.ā (in the 1986 letter, the cardinal says, "although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil; and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder." this article also provides context to the catholic church's views on queerness.) all in all, there's that distinction between being gay vs. acting on it. gay thoughts vs gay actions. you can see this echoed in ronan's arc and how he struggles with his sexuality in several key ways.
for one thing, ronan is more concerned with concealment and repression than he is with changing or "fixing" his sexuality. his shame stems from lacking the vocabulary to understand or accept himself in numerous ways, but i wouldn't say ronan expends much energy trying to pray the gay away. ronan is pretty much allergic to attempting to change himself or conform to what others want, and this is no exception. for example, his acknowledgement that he has no interest in lamps, i.e. women, is very matter-of-fact. therein lies that catholic acceptance of his homosexuality; ronan cannot control what he is, but he can control whether he acts on it or not. i've seen analysis that considers ronan's sexuality as totally buried prior to tdt vs. his sexuality being something he's already open about prior to tdt; for me, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle because of that gay thoughts vs. gay actions split. the beginning of tdt cements this: "the second secret was perfect in its concealment. ronan did not say it. ronan did not think it. he never put lyrics to the second secret, the one he kept from himself." we know adam is his second secret, thus the tangible nature of his feelings for adam is what he's keeping from himself, not merely the fact that he's gay.
tdt is where ronan is specifically grappling with the possibility of his gay urges becoming action. imo the earliest example of this is the dollar city scene, with ronan wanting to punch the wall over gansey looking like "very clearly a real human, an attainable human." the word attainable speaks again to the idea of attraction as a contained feeling vs. something that ronan could act on (not necessarily with gansey, but it's broaching that difference as a concept). later on there's the adam-kavinsky sex dream after which ronan wakes up "ashamed and euphoric." the dream has given multiple faces to a nameless concealed desire, which has again made it a more real possibility and therefore what ronan has been trying to avoid. in a dream with kavinsky, "it felt like anything could happen. all of his secrets felt dangerously close to the surface." again, the idea of something happening, of a feeling being acted upon. and finally, when adam confronts ronan about his rent, "something inside ronan unwound and he almost said something." repeatedly an emphasis is placed on ronan's holding back, on concealing himself through refusing to act on what he feels.
all this to say! this is why it's so intentional and brilliant that the reveal of ronan's second secret culminates in his feelings for adam. in this admission, ronan's repressed sexuality becomes something with a tangible focal point. ronan has to confront his sexuality as something he can and DOES want to act on because of his attraction to adam, who is real and attainable. and to bring it back to his catholicismāthis falls perfectly in line with ronan having an ingrained view of sexuality as an "inclination" that can't be changed vs. the sin being if he were to act on that inclination. it is a huuuuuuge step, then, for ronan to accept not just his desire for adam but the inevitability that he wants to act on those feelings ("it was hard not to stare at the odd and elegant lines of his face"; and in trk, "heād let [his feelings] overflow and now there wasnāt a damn place in the ocean that wouldnāt catch fire if he dropped a match"). we don't see ronan attempt to talk himself out of who and what he is; rather, we see his indecision and hesitance when it comes to what he does and what he allows himself to do. that's why it's so impactful when ronan stops keeping his second secret from himselfāand the way that reveal is informed heavily by his catholic faith adds so much additional nuance.
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