Green Amid Decay

The first pull, I decided, had little to do with going to the thrift stores. The pull seemed very relevant to me, to my life, but not to the current matter at hand. I realized I hadn't cleansed my deck at all, not even a knock. I cleansed it before the second pull. Seeing the Tower always makes my throat tighten a bit. Am I being silly? I don't know, that's part of what scares me. The second thing I noticed was all the Pages. I think my deck was telling me I'm a newbie, and it's right. I felt that the Page of Wands was telling me that I'm letting myself get discouraged because I don't understand well enough yet, or that I shouldn't. This seemed to go with the Four of Cups, telling me I'm ruminating and possibly even overthinking. The Pages of Coins and Swords seemed optimistic and relevant, albeit more about my desires rather than my results. However, having actually done the action and having good results, they do feel more material now. But the Tower. I sat with that one for quite a while. I let my mind wander and one of the things that's bothering me bubbled up. The shopping center is being razed in the not-too-distant future and housing put in its place. It's a small strip mall with a few small offices and studios, it's been there, almost exactly as it currently appears, my entire life. Some small businesses that have been open my entire life are moving or closing. I'm not generally that upset about it, it's old and part of the new complex has been an empty lot and an eyesore for more than a decade. I am quite sad to be losing several useful stores in our neighborhood, though. But the more I thought about it the more I realized what I'm really sad about. The center has several very large, old, pine trees. The biggest and most central of them has been a Christmas tree every single year of my life. It's one of the most beautiful things in an otherwise drab, dull, suburban neighborhood. The towering trees in this little shopping center are, randomly, the most beautiful thing anywhere on this corner. I don't think I have any photos of them, not even the Christmas tree. Maybe there's a chance they'll move them, since they are such nice trees, but I doubt it. I think it's far more likely they'll just cut them down and haul them away. When I realized this, I started crying. Like, uncontrollably sobbing. And suddenly The Tower made perfect sense. I can't save them, I have to let them go. When I got to the stores, I had my fun and got my haul and it was getting close to dark. I was so distracted I almost forgot and started to leave, but as I passed the second row of trees, I remembered and turned around. I went back to the big Christmas tree. I told it what was happening, that I loved it and would remember it. I was planning to pick up some of its needles, but then I noticed it had dropped dozens of immature pinecones. Several big ones but a bunch of little ones. I filled the green jar with the pine lid with them, it was exactly the right amount. I also found exactly one faded old Christmas light in the dirt. I wanted to sit with it longer, but it was really getting dark and I had to walk home, and a bunch of teenagers were now laughing and talking in the parking lot. I said goodbye to the other trees as I passed. I washed the pinecones with vinegar, sanitized them in the oven, and put the light in my trinket jar. I'm going to use the cones for spellwork, but I'll keep one with the light.

--- Candles & Spoons: Here's where I started to get really excited. I was super happy to find two stainless, long-handled, small teaspoons with a rose pattern for pennies each. I'm not buying one of those leaded tinfoil aesthetic spoons with a crystal glued to the top from Shein. The cranberry glass and purple glass tealight holders were each a dollar. They're nice quality, heavy, and actual colored glass, not coated. I almost didn't buy the dripping red candle with the pentagram-heart charm. I'm glad I did, it's the coolest thing I was going to get in thrift store down the street, I'm going to save it for something special. Of course I'll reuse the charm. Now the purple tealights were a special surprise. Twelve of a lightly scented, rare color for a buck? Damn. They're from Joann in 2003 according to the packaging, unopened. --- Amaranth: An herb? A witchy herb? Random, but of course I got it. It's from Five Below, it was marked at $3.50 originally but they charge $5 on the website. I like the craquelure stoneware bowl, too.

So I'm going to try to acquire tools second hand, repurpose things I already have, and make as many things as I can.

So I'm not doing it. I'm middle-aged now, I've seen too much and I know too much. It's time.