Okay this may just be my ace quoiromantic ass projecting but
The way I most commonly see Charles âfiguring it outâ being depicted is him knowing he loves Edwin platonically and trying to figure out if he also is attracted to him sexually - itâs not always explicitly worded that way, but itâs, like, âI love spending time with him, but do I want to kiss him/is he fit?â
And, again, this may be a consequence of me being ace and arospec, but, um, I donât really, to be honest, think that romantic love is just âplatonic love plus sexual attractionâ. I rather suspect it is, in fact, a secret third thing.
And Iâm quite intrigued by the idea of a Charles who knew darn well that Edwin was hot - I mean, heâs not blind, this is objectively the case - but, like⌠He knows he feels platonic love for Edwin, he knows he finds Edwin attractive, but the thing between the two, the most important thing, the in love that Edwin feels⌠that part he canât figure out.
He doesnât want to just be fuck buddies, after all! âFriendship plus sex/kissingâ is a very fun and fine thing, a well-established concept, heâs absolutely had tumbles with friends before, he shared kissing-practice with a boy at St. Hilarionâs, but itâs clearly not what Edwin feels or what Edwin wants and therefore he doesnât want that either.
The problem is, heâs not quite sure what there is left, thatâs not those. He knows it exists, because there is a difference between being fuck buddies (even fuck best-friends) and being In Love, but he canât quite find what there could be that would be missing, between him and Edwin.
He thinks about what couples do, but⌠none of that is different to what he and Edwin do already.
They already go to movies together. They already curl up on the couch together. They already give each other gifts. They already hold hands. They already talk all night. They already hug. They already live together. They play board games together. They walk in the park and watch the stars together.
They dance together. They laugh together. They have special smiles just for each other. Theyâre already committed to each other for the rest of eternity, theyâve already sworn to each other that even Death will never them part.
Couples give each other flowers, maybe thatâs - nah, Edwin gave him a bouquet of chrysanthemums just a week before Port Townsend, to guard him against a particular evil spirit, and Charles gave him a daffodil in return that heâd picked on the way home from the case. The mums and the daffodil havenât even wilted yet in their (admittedly slightly magically enhanced) vase in the corner of the office.
So what is it, then? What is Edwin missing from him? What love is there that Charles could feel for Edwin that he doesnât already? What is Charles failing to love, when he already loves Edwinâs playfulness, and Edwinâs smirk, and Edwinâs kindness, and Edwinâs sarcasm, and Edwinâs careful gentle fingers, and Edwinâs grace, and Edwinâs vicious streak, and Edwinâs warmth and Edwinâs coldness, Edwinâs intelligence and Edwinâs gray-green-blue eyes, Edwinâs wit and Edwinâs protectiveness?
He already loves Edwin in every way there is, what more could there be?
âŚoh. Maybe thatâs the answer.
