Real Goth Boy Shit

Man when you push yourself to get something or somewhere, the smallest thing can destroy absolutely all of it. Things that were invisible before can burn down entire villages. Why is it only pain that can mature you? Why?

I just want to fix it. I want to fix everything. To heal your hurt and trauma, the wounds and afflictions you’ve never deserved pressed into your bones and memories. Why is that such a hard thing to grasp? I’m not much but why do you retaliate with such anger because I’m only trying to love you.. let me hold you till the pieces stick together. Let me kiss you till the memories slowly fuse back again. I didn’t mean to seem so stuck, so clingy. I mean it was just yesterday you loved me back too... what happened from a week to a bus trip in a single summers evening? I could’ve sworn yesterday I thought you loved me too... didn’t you?

I hate feeling inconvenient. Feeling like I’m a last thought basically. I’m supposed to matter to you, more than anything. So why do I feel like I’m being fed excuses so you don’t have to acknowledge what you’re doing? All I’m asking is for you to communicate with me. Tell me why you don’t want to talk to me when that’s all I need from you. It’s so simple, but these actions are making it seem like I’m interrupting YOUR time.

I knew the lifestyle I chose when I put my xxxtentacion back on instead of Joan Jett. 🤷🏼‍♂️

You deserve the world. You deserve flowers every time I see them. You deserve to be woken up with kisses and smothered in my arms. You deserve my happiest moments. You deserve the best form of me so that’s who I strive to be every day. You deserve the world and more. Because this small orb just isn’t enough compared to how perfect you are in my eyes. You deserve so much more. I love you.

It’s almost been 5 years you’ve been gone. I came home and all I had was your stuff. I lost everything but managed to keep all of your things. It was a fresh start in a new town but I still had my best friend. I went to look for a bracelet of yours and saw everything else. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I made it through your birthday and the day I lost you, mainly cause I was in prison and could block it out. But I saw your letters and it killed me. I re read those words and god it tore the wound open again. I’ve got a girl I’m with now and god I love her. I really do. She has helped make me a better person. But seeing the words you used to write me blurs with what she says to me and what I tell her. And I hate it because I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for being in love again. I hate it. You’ll always be my first love but I shouldn’t feel guilty for moving on. Why does it bother me so much? I shouldn’t feel wrong for living. I hate this weight on my chest I can’t get rid of. You aren’t a burden but I wish I would’ve done things right back then. I had so much to learn. I’m just thankful you stuck by my side. You were right to see such hope in me. I’m gonna love this girl and do right. I’ll make you proud. You’ll always be my first love. But I can’t feel bad for doing what’s right. Right? I wish I could talk to you one more time.