and maybe the metros give him shit for it at first, especially when they see those pics on the internet, but shane’s like it was suggested to me by the team physician and it’s relaxing and relieves stress so i really don’t care.

obviously he needs to be Great at it, but he also realizes he really likes it, and soon he’s knitting and crocheting whenever he has some free time and he’s making more items than he can wear.

and then he starts selling them online under a pseudonym because he wants to know what people think about them; that is, until he tells yuna about his secret website and she’s like i hope you’re kidding do you know how much those True Hollander Knits could be worth and how many brands would want a collab?! and shane hid his identity because he wanted people to buy his clothes for what they were, not because they were made by the Shane Hollander, but he thinks it would be nice to own what he makes too and to let people know he has other talents and skills besides hockey. so he starts selling them under his own name and he’s so happy every time someone leaves him a five-star rating and compliments him. he’s also giving handmade beanies and accessories to friends and family and he’s making onesies and scarves for hayden’s kids just because he really loves making them.

then one evening over dinner yuna tells him and david how someone named John America has just placed their biggest order yet, having bought virtually everything on shane’s website, so yuna and her assistant (because she had to hire one in the meantime), will have to ship it the next day to the buyer’s address in boston.

shane always checks the comments people leave with their purchases, and the latest one he gets, a few days later, reads: “very good clothes, i like them a lot. maybe hollander should follow his true real passion and retire from hockey since ilya rozanov from the boston raiders is clearly superior player anyway. great seller and customer service also 10/10 i recommend everyone buys everything immediately. you will receive a card signed by him in person in case you should want to get tattoo from it somewhere secret on your body but that is neither here nor there and definitely not something i plan to do.” the comment kind of irks shane in a Very Specific way but maybe john america from boston is simply a raiders’ fan (and also some kind of sick pervert apparently, but shane doesn’t really mind those.)

fast forward to the cottage, it’s their first day there and ilya is getting a few things out of his bag when shane sees a cardigan that looks very familiar. he asks ilya where he got it and ilya is like, is just something i ordered online don’t worry about it. but shane picks it up and he’s like, oh my god you bought something i’ve made (!!) and you didn’t tell me?? what (!!) and ilya’s all embarrassed and he’s like, i bought like two thousand things you’ve made yes. they are so very unstylish is hell for me. and shane is like omg i can’t believe this (and he’s happier than ever) and ilya’s like, “well if you had given them to me as gift i would have saved money but i have made you rich instead. i cannot believe you have given hayden a sweater when that guy does not even deserve clothes.” (and ilya doesn’t tell shane just how jealous he was whenever he looked at pictures of hayden just walking around in montreal wearing clothes shane had made because hayden could.)

and the thing is, shane has actually wanted to make something just for ilya for a very long time, but he wouldn’t have known how to justify it because it would have been too intimate (even though he has literally given his creations to every one of his friends and acquaintances at some point), but they’re at the cottage now and they’re happy and they’re opening up about their feelings so shane can definitely do that now, so he goes, “tell me what ‘stylish’ clothes you want and i’ll make them for you.” and ilya asks for a sweater with the words NHL BEST PLAYER on it, and shane goes, “sorry, i don’t crochet lies.” they argue about it for a while until the whole thing turns into sex.

- Oh that's Gaga. You know Lady Gaga? Of course, Ilya! She was in A star is born. Really good actress. She is more of a singer actually... Oh yeah that makes sense, I guess. You guess?! Please tell me you know Poker Face, lyubimyy. I know for a fact you have been to a club, you must have heard Poker Face before. I don't know, maybe. [Ilya starts singing Poker Face]. You're lucky you play better hockey than you sing, baby. Oi!!

- Oh I know how him! That's Armando! That's Pitbull. I'm pretty sure that's a human? Are you fucking with me Shanya. Of course baby. I know that he is a rapper but it feels so weird to call him Pitbull, when we met in Miami he said he was Armando. You met in Miami?? Yeah well, was a few years ago, he invited our team to this house- Pitbull invited the Montreal boring fucking Metros to his fucking house???

- Kesha! Do you know her songs? Absolutely none, no. How the fuck- Why am I even suprised you know her too. Oh we met at Roses birthday party in LA. She is so funny, I think you would like her! Maybe I should introduce you. What the fuck- You know what, I call her. Shane!

- Oh that's Kayleigh right? Kayleigh. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's her. That's Chappell Roan. Dykstra is playing her non-stop in the lockerroom. Oh, really? Pink Pony Club? Good Luck, Babe? Casual? Sounds familiar yes. [Ilya starts singing Casual] [Shane blushes] I think... I think I remember now yeah. Didn't know that was Kayleigh. How do you know all these people but have no clue what they do? Oh funny story, she is a good friend of Rose actually-

- Oh, that's Sam! Sam Smith. I've been to a concert. Met backstage. Really cool person. Shanya, you're surprising me? You go to concerts? Well uhm. When... when I was with Rose she got us tickets and - Yeah okey.

- Montero! Or Lil Nas X. Shall I guess: Another friend of Rose? Maybe, I should ask her. Actually we did this campaign together and- I hate you.

- Oh thats the actress from the movie. The movie with all the actresses. Oceans Eight. That's Rihanna. Yeah! Rihanna. I really liked her there, she should do more movies. Shane, she is actually a singer. Oh, that's cool. You're killing me. What? Should I know her? Shane. Lyubimyy. We literally had our first dance to her song.

Shane thinks that Ilya liking how he sounds when he speaks French is similar to how he feels when Ilya speaks Russian. *Insert Shane saying very horny/corny things about Ilya thinking he doesn’t understand*

So he gets a tutor. He meticulously researches her (she's from Moscow, so he'll learn from someone with Ilya's same accent). She's signed to more NDAs than he can count. She has 10 years of experience, she's certified to teach English and Russian, and she has 4.8 stars on MyTutor.

Shane pays her a frankly concerning amount of money to make house calls. Twice weekly, unless he's on the road, she arrives at his apartment to teach him foundational Russian. She gives him workbooks, Russia cartoon recommendation, podcasts for beginners, etc. He tells her he's learning because his boyfriend is Russian and she outlines a course that focuses on domestic language first (as opposed to travel or business). She even teaches him what she calls a 'culture course' with lessons on Russian music, food, and various traditions.

She's only a few years older than Shane and he actually finds himself looking forward to her visits. At this point, she's the only person other than his parents that knows he has a boyfriend.

About 4 months in, Shane finally feels comfortable enough to ask about what he'd been very excited about learning.

"You want me to teach you how to talk dirty to your boyfriend?" Ekaterina raised an eyebrow.

"Um," Shane blushed. Was this a little too far? Was this inappropriate to ask of a tutor? "Yes? If - If that's okay, I mean."

A slow smirk spread over her face. "This will be fun. Fun for me, now. Fun for you, later."

"I made a list," Shane admitted. He wasn't going to back out now, he put a lot of thought into his list. He turned to it in his Russian notebook and handed it to her.

She scanned over it indifferently. "You will use all this in one night?"

"Yeah, probably. Is it too much?"

"It is good you have a Russian man," Ekaterina said. "They have good stamina. Mostly, anyway."

And while it was a little embarrassing for Ekaterina to correct his pronunciation of please let me suck your cock, it helped that she seemed just as comfortable with that as there is tea on the stove.

i don’t think it’s far-fetched for very undiagnosed shane to think his experiences are sort of universal, meaning of course everyone dislikes bad textures, they’re probably just not talking about the atrociousness of it all because they don’t want to look like they’re complaining too much (just like him!), so when they start hooking up at shane’s house (and later at the cottage), shane tells ilya he doesn’t have to worry about the bed sheets because they have a very high thread count, also all his towels are new and extra soft so he doesn’t have to worry about those either. and later when ilya asks if he can borrow a T-shirt shane’s like, “it’s in great shape because i’ve found the best fabric softener, and i’ve already removed all the labels so it’s good to go”, and ilya’s like okay he’s either gone Full Canadian with the politeness all of a sudden for some reason or he’s just bragging about being knowledgeable about… laundry detergents? but then, it just keeps happening, and so later when they’re at the cottage shane goes, “i got chicken instead of turkey because it’s obviously better and doesn’t have that persistent dry texture (you know, the one that makes you wanna Die), so you don’t have to worry about it, and i have a very good food processor so if we wanna make pea soup later it’ll be all smooth with no chunky bits” and ilya’s like okay he’s probably bragging again although i don’t know about what exactly. being the best at blender? and it’s not long (about ten more “you don’t have to worry about it” explanations) before ilya realizes shane has been trying to protect him from the Bad Textures of the World all along, and if ilya wasn’t already in love with him he would be now just because of that.

So I like to imagine Ilya and Shane doing this whenever something moderately exciting happens.

Ilya finally gets a recipe right that he's been working on for a week? Shane's tasting it and slamming Ilya against the pantry.

They beat a difficult level in their video game? That's a cup-winning level celebration that results in the couch nearly getting broken.

Shane passes his level 1 Russian language test? Ilya's jumping on him and knocking them both to the floor in celebration.

Anya tosses her ball up and it accidently lands in the decorative bowl on the coffee table? That's a goal and they're (gently) throwing themselves on the floor to celebrate with a very confused but very excited Anya.

Unless.

You consider that the Metros know that Shane absolutely does know how to fight. They've all done checking clinics with Shane. They've all wrestled and roughhoused with Shane. He's strong and he's fast and he wants to win.

The Metros understand that Shane doesn't fight, not because he can't, but because he's a little too good at it. And Shane generally doesn't even like violence. He likes to win by playing the game, not hurting the other team.

Shane is like no! It’s embarrassing! And this is public! And you wouldn’t make me actually do that to Rose would you? You know the answer, I’m gay!

Only Rose thinks the whole thing is hilarious and gives Shane the go ahead so there’s no real reason to resist Ilya’s begging anymore, still he holds out to the day before the interview.

“Fine! Fine! You can ask about Rose, but I get to ask about anything I want too!” And Ilya’s like yes yes of course my love. His boring Shane would hardly ask anything damning.

Fast forward to the day of the interview Shane is fondly exasperated with Ilya’s Rose questions, and Ilya is being a cocky bastard so happy with how it played out.

Until they switch sides and Shane breaks out his first question:

“Is it or is it not true that despite famously calling Scott Hunter ‘a nearly extinct fossil’ you think he’s hot?” The blood drains from Ilya’s face pretty quickly after that.

“Do you think Hayden Pike is a good hockey player?”

“Do you consider Hayden Pike a close friend?”

“Who do you love more: me or Anya?”

“Besides me who is your favorite teammate?”

But now, he gets so tired whenever Ilya is around. His eyelids start to droop and, even though he's spent days or weeks looking forward to reuniting with his boyfriend, all he wants to do is fall asleep in Ilya's arms.

He decides to go to the doctor for some labs, checking for conditions that would make him fatigued. Words like leukemia and lupus came up on his Google searches, so he braces for the worst.

"Everything is perfect, Shane," his doctor tells him over the phone a week later. "But, you know, if you're worried about it, you could talk to a psychiatrist."

He makes an appointment for the next day with the first psychiatrist he finds. He explains the issue again: extreme sleepiness, maybe even narcolepsy, if Web MD is right. After more prompting, he specifies that this happens specifically around his partner.

The psychiatrist smiles at him. "Do you know much about nervous system regulation?" she asks gently. When he shakes his head, she explains further. "There are some people or settings that cause our nervous systems to feel calmer, and, especially for people who spend a lot of their lives in a state of fight or flight, those soothing feelings can make us tired and sleepy. Maybe your body finally feels safe and able to rest."