Black Hole

I often think about how I want to die… but I don’t really want to die, I just want to not feel like this. I just want to not be here in this reality where life is painful. I want to go somewhere else where everything is ok. I really want to live actually. I want to live and be happy… but I can’t.

All I do is lay in bed all day. I graduated months ago but I haven’t done anything but lay in this room. I don’t take care of myself. I have neglected the relationships with people I love for years and I have so many regrets. I’m not a good person, I suck. And time just keeps passing by and nothing changes. It only gets worse. I feel like I’m deep at the bottom of a pit. I feel paralyzed or like a passenger begging myself to do something, to change, to help myself but I can’t I can’t I can’t… so I just lay here

Shouting out into a void

Body dysmorphia has ruined my life. It’s weird to even call it dysmorphia, cuz I’m just ugly… and way more obsessive about it compared to other ugly people. I don’t understand how they can be happy or ok. It’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. Im aware of it all day, just as I’d be aware of thirst. It controls me completely. I’m a shut in. I don’t even want my own family to see me. I‘m in my own personal hell and am wounded in the same way everyday. And no matter how much I vent, journal, or cry, when I’m done, nothing has changed… I’m still sitting at the bottom of the same pit exasperated. Living is an exhausting nightmare.