#existential depression

How knowing you have talent and potential, but having an exremely poor and inconsistent ability to actually do even the most basic tasks, is a traumatizing experience society doesn't acknowledge. (Especially when you burn out really easily, and get physically sick from stress - sometimes even having had anaphylaxis)

How living as a paraphile and having had to endure years of death and rape threaths in order to find peer support and friends you don't have to fear would hate you, is a traumatizing experience.

Still, doctors and psychologists don't understand why you would need help, if you don't fear you might hurt somebody. Still, you need to find motivation to study and be a part of society that wants you and your friends dead.

How living through 3 years of crisis after crisis - covid, attacks on trans rights and a fear of genocide, war in Ukraine - is a traumatizing experience. Somehow social security and my university expects that shouldn't affect my progress in my studies.

So yeah, I feel like capitalistic expectations that I should be able to write my thesis and pay bills like everything is fine is a sadistic prank. This existential trauma and stress is trying to destroy my ability to write, my ability to function.

I wish I could just collapse on my knees and weep. But society won't even let me have that. It won't even let me talk about my trauma. THIS is what I mean by no one can hear or understand me.

More pictures taken in Stray