Gold Death

-{ About Me }-

In simplest terms, I'm LGBTQ+, MOGAI, radqueer, paraphiliac, and everything I mentioned above. I'm also proship/profic/anti-anti (anything else that means "anti-harassment" lmao-).

↠ Ignotigender, masc-enby presentation ↠ Aromantic, omnisexual, fraysexual, polyamorous, medusan ↠ My 'types*: Fyirkin, Red-Deathkin, Changewingkin, Legosikin (manga), Papyrulkin, Montylink, Beekith (Bombus impatiens), Hobgobblerkith *Sourcemates and dupes are free to interact! ↠ Social anxiety, autism, ADHD, carpel tunnel, transage (23), transIBS ↠ Adipophiliac, biastophiliac, klismaphiliac, maiesiophiliac, vorarephiliac ↠ Eclectic Norse Pagan and ex-Baptist Christian

-{ About this Blog }-

As to be expected, I'm likely to post about anything relevant to my own identity and current communities.

↠ I will discuss topics such as LGBTQ+, plurality, otherkinity, radqueer, and paraphilias*, but this blog won't be limited to these. *All paraphilia content I'll post here will be SFW. It'll mostly be discussions or explanations for said paraphilias, nothing explicit. ↠ I try to stay out of discourse, but I cannot guarantee anything. As much as I don't like conflict, I'm also rather passionate about certain subjects. ↠ I may also post my art and writing on occasion. ↠ I use tone tags rather frequently. If you're uncomfortable or wary of tone tags, please keep this in mind! ↠ I will not tolerate any discrimination, harassment, hate-speech, or anything with the intent to harm on this blog. My blog is a safe space for freaks and weirdos /p, much like myself.

-{ Blog Tags }-

Older posts may not be up-to-date with these current tags. If it's of concern to you or others, please let me know so I can edit them! /gen

#kin.suv : Otherkinity posts (this includes 'links and 'kiths) #plural.suv : Plurality posts #queer.suv : LGBTQ+ posts (this includes MOGAI and radqueer) #faith.suv : Posts involving religion, faith, beliefs, or practices #draw.suv : Posts containing art pieces (my own, specifically) #write.suv : Posts containing written pieces (stories, brainstorming, etc...) #game.suv : Posts involving games, specifically video games #talk.suv : General chatting, usually miscellaneous topics #cry.suv : Vents or any posts with emotional topics #roar.suv : Updates and important posts (personal and blog) #adult.suv : Posts involving adult-content (this includes kinks, fetishes, paraphilias, and anything suggestive)

Segment 1: Running Side Blogs

As of now, I'm currently running three blogs. Our system's main blog, this side blog, and Jinx and I's 18+ side blog. Normally, I don't post much on the main blog, and only use it for general communication or plural posts. This blog is the most active, even though I post in spurts. The 18+ blog was somewhat active starting out, but now it's pretty much dead.

I've seen a lot of people say that Tumblr is "timeless," as in viewers will always cycle through posts, no matter how old and outdated they are. But honestly? My experience hasn't shown much of that. Now yes, this blog is still very small with 130 posts (as of writing this), but even then- I would imagine viewers to occasionally find my oldest posts. Except it rarely ever happens.

This makes me feel like Tumblr - similar to Instagram and Snapchat - are all about pushing as many posts as possible for maximum coverage. And yeah, it makes sense, but for being a site with the option (and encouragement) for running several blogs? It can become tiring very quickly.

It's not like I don't have enough time, either. I'm currently unemployed and can't drive. I practically have all the time I could ever need (granted, without my list of illnesses and disabilities). And yet even I can't keep up two blogs, let alone three.

So, I've been thinking of downsizing. Our main blog and one side blog. I'm not even sure if I want to do the side blog, either. Maybe just the main. But, here comes the next issue...

Segment 2: Being An 18+ Artist

We've been unemployed for a long time. Too long. Since forever, we've wanted to make digital art our job. After so many art blocks however, it became harder and harder to keep it up. The only thing that motivated us anymore was making 18+ art.

Yes, I, and many of our headmates, are hypersexual. We have been making mature (and fetish) art ever since we were a tween. Hell, it was the biggest reason our anatomy improved so fast. Our art style developed so fast in our teen years, all thanks to drawing porn. No joke.

So, we came to the conclusion that 18+ art was just our thing. If we invested our time into freelance digital art, we could specialize in mature content. Only problem is... the market.

Segment 2.1: "Kid-Washing"

The internet has come a long way. Diverse communities, an array of socials to interact with others, and the power technology can hold. But there's still something that has been plaguing the internet, ever since I was a kid; purity culture.

This very concept of "purity" can decimate 18+ spaces. That everything needs to be "family-friendly," or as I'd like to call it, "kid-washed." Paint every place as if a kid can touch it.

Now, I'm all for giving kids a louder voice to express themselves, spaces where they can do whatever they want... But instead of creating new spaces, our personal spaces are being taken away.

Almost every platform has been influenced by this. Instagram bans all pornography and sex work, only excluding nipples and genitalia for "non-sexual art pieces." Tumblr is the same, but no post is safe from bots making a mistake. Wattpad banned explicit 18+ content. Even Toyhouse of all sites will strike down on anything explicit that they don't agree with.

The only options we have left are... honestly, not very safe. Twitter/X is too political and still rampant with cancel culture, PH exploits their content creators and seem to be enforcing stricter rules, and any other 18+ site? I'm hesitant to trust sites I've never heard of before.

Not to mention, how many of these sites have a large audience and active community? If we're going to be a freelance artist, we need platforms that are active and accepting to us.

Segment 2.2: Our Fears

As with most big decisions, fear will work its way in. Our circumstances, however, have made it worse.

Not only do we make 18+ art, but we also dabble in dark, unsavory topics, paraphilias, and fetishes. Not to mention, our identities are "problematic" enough as it is. We would have to be public about all of this. That raises many concerns for me...

Am I going to get death threats? suibaiting? Will I be witchhunted? What will my close companions think? What if they leave me?

It's terrifying. With the state the internet is in now, it's more terrifying than ever before. And, with how few options we have, if our Plan A fails, what then? We have nothing to turn back to. It'll feel like ultimate failure.

We already deal very poorly with failure, criticism, and abandonment. Being an artist means we're bound to deal with criticism, and probably failure, too. But abandonment? That's the worst one for us. Losing everything, falling back to square one at the bottom of a pit.

And of course, it all spirals back to our main issue...

Segment 3: Mental and Physical Disabilities

For as long as we can remember, we've always struggled with some kind of mental illness, disease, or disability. Sometimes, we managed to work around it, like our asthma and eczema. Other times... it never seems to go well.

The vast majority of our issues are undiagnosed. I don't have the money, motivation, nor courage to get them checked. I've had to deal with depression, autism, ADHD, CPTSD (w/ ongoing trauma), and now developing carpel tunnel.

The only things we're medicated for is our BO and severe social anxiety, which only does the bare minimum anymore. It's been preventing panic attacks, but now I'm constantly tired, never motivated, and it seems like my hypersensitivity got worse.

Before our trauma and carpel tunnel, we could manage to draw every other day, maybe more if we felt up to it. Hell, we even wrote multiple short fanfictions. Now? It's harder than ever to make something once a week. We've even gone consecutive months before without drawing. And it's so... so painful to think about.

It really does feel like we're just watching our future fade away, like a paper dissolving in water. Our hands tied behind our back, all we can do is just wait and watch. Sleep the pain away. Hope it all heals, while knowing it never will.

Segment 4: What Now?

I always knew life would be difficult. I was raised with high expectations, and even higher as I got older. It feels like I "fell off" when I could've been something. Life hit me after the pandemic, and it hit me hard.

Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I experience yet another traumatic event, or a depressive episode, or a panic attack, or literally anything that slaps reality in my face. Every step I take forward, I'm taking two backwards.

I don't know what to do. I want to do something. I want to feel happy. I want to be proud of myself, instead of feeling like a waste of space. But how? The world I'm in is always set against me. Money, laws, expectations, society, even family. I feel like a traumatized shelter dog, cornered in a cage, trying to dig out but ultimately digging my own grave.

I'm tired of everything. I want to run away. I want to go home. I want to be safe for once in my life. It just feels so lonely.

I'm tired of this.

The village was mostly the same as classic Snowdin, only a lot darker. Lots of electrical outdoor lights. It wasn't uncommon to carry around an oil lantern, or any light source for that matter. With the near-constant snowfall and the dense woods encroaching everything, most of us either stayed inside or spent our time in Waterfall.

Snowdin's woods were the most dangerous part of the Underground. Sanz was the only one who went in and always came back alive. The entire woods consisted of tall, thick coniferous trees, a deep blanket of snow, and those... spirits. It was pitch dark. Ringing silence, occasionally broken by distant screeching.

They aren't monsters, nor anything related to humans. It was Sanz's job to keep their population "in check." At the time, I didn't know what he really did - the only hint I'd get would be the scratches and bites he usually came back with.

Alongside that job, Sanz studied them, both from afar and up-close. As he described them, "dark forces," they were composed of concentrated soul essence. Unlike us, monsters, and humans, they don't have souls. We don't know how they don't dissipate, let alone stabilize their form.

Dark forces can appear in different forms, but they still share the same characteristics - a translucent, black foggy body that floats a few feet off the ground; tiny, white beady eyes that glow brightly; a maw full of long, razor-sharp teeth; two disembodied hands with hooked claws... And they all have the same familiar screams. Even after so many years, it still sent shivers down my spine.

Monsterkind never ventured far into the woods. There was so, so little we knew. All we knew was how to survive, and even then, nature itself always fought back.

Power outages were too common. Since most of our light sources were electrical (we couldn't sustain long-lasting heat with the subzero cold), a power outage was the worst that could happen. Without light, dark forces can invade the village, attacking anyone in sight. There's no hiding, either. They hear everything. Smell everything. The only advantage is their poor sight, but seeing is useless when there's no lights.

Every power outage was a horrible experience with the same routine. I would help to get everyone indoors, while Sanz defended against the forces. There was always screaming, coming from both sides. When the power finally returns, the fresh snow was tinted pink, darker shades of red deeper below. If anyone was missing, we'd assume they died. At least that would've be merciful.

That's all from memory, or what I would've known at the time. Obviously, I know nearly everything about my universe now, considering... well, I'm the one who made it, lol... And that's just Snowdin. The vast majority of the Underground is different than classic, and I barely touched the topic of essence/matter, and dark/pure values. Not to mention, there's probably things Sanz can add here, too. Maybe he'll talk about his experiences on @thefangsystem, if he has the time.

So, I've been wandering around AO3 and a few proship spaces here, and many times I've come across stories and posts mentioning or tagged with "Dead Dove: Do Not Eat."

I usually don't have a problem with this, since I would use it myself when applicable. But the issue here is- there are some people who only use the phrase with no context. When it comes to having triggers, like myself and many others do, this can be annoying or even dangerous in severe cases.

So what's the problem exactly? Well first, lemme explain what the phrase actually means...

"Dead Dove: Do Not Eat" is almost as literal as it gets. It implies there's a dead dove inside a container with the warning "do not eat." So, when someone looks inside and sees a dead dove, they shouldn't have expected anything else.

DD:DNE is a warning for the following content and potential triggers. There's nothing wrong with using it - it's when you use it by itself with no explanation or list.

A trigger warning is only as useful as the list itself. If there are no listed triggers, then the warning is pointless. DD:DNE relies on a list of triggers or any relevant tags for the story/post. It's to let readers know "hey, this contains everything tagged, so don't blame me if you ignore it."

Unfortunately, this isn't just a problem with DD:DNE specifically... it's trigger warnings in general.

I've been seeing more and more warnings with no explanation whatsoever, just "trigger warning!" as if we can read the OP's mind. By the time we realize what trigger it is, it'll be too late. That's the whole point of a warning, so we don't have to see it.

I would rather have no warning at all, because an empty warning is just frustrating and makes the triggers even more stressful (at least for me, not sure if it's the same for everyone). With no warning, I'd be more surprised at seeing the trigger than actually thinking about it.

Just to make this clear though, I do not justify the lack of warnings. It can still be a stressful experience. I just want to make the point that empty warnings are worse than lack of warnings. Both are bad.

That's all for now, though. Hopefully this was helpful in any way, though it's a bit on the rant-side... All of this is /nbh, mostly randos I've seen as far as I'm aware.