differentials in alien abductions

dD Week - Day 2 : Dick & Damian

underapreciated moment in Venom:

at the end of the bike chase, Eddie says “oh that was pretty cool actually, not gonna lie” and then is hit by the bad guy’s car right after

which is 100x funnier the second time watching because you realize that was the first time someone called Venom symbiote, a known loser, cool

legolas, aragorn, and gimli are all used to combat, sam works as a gardener, merry and pippin often gallivant off and get into mischief so they have the advantage of experience in whatever it is they’ve gotten up to/would possibly fight dirty, gandalf is gandalf so while weapons are out of the question i suppose that depends on if magic is involved. i don’t think i could take him without magic even if he IS old because he’s a very large guy, but maybe

First off, Pippin has it coming, so you won’t be fighting your conscience at the same time.

Secondly, Pippin is a spoiled rich kid. He’s no less gentry than Frodo is, but Frodo works out and is shown to have better stamina, at least at the outset. Pippin is also both the stupidest and the slowest of the hobbits. They both nearly beat one (1) troll, so that’s comparable, but Pippin appears not to have got a single hit in against the orcs that captured them while Merry was cutting off hands like a boss. Pippin also straight-up tell Bergil that he’s not a fighter.

Also there’s a nonzero chance that Frodo will just straight up curse you (if the guilt of fighting Frodo isn’t enough if a curse by itself).

So here’s what you do:

You fight Legolas.

The thing about fist-fighting Legolas of course is that you will lose. This is not a fight you’re gonna win no matter what. But Legolas has his standing competition with Gimli, so once the challenge is issued, he’s not gonna let anyone else step in and fight you either. No one is liable to volunteer on his behalf, either, so you will only end up fighting the one member of the fellowship. If you are lucky he might also take his shirt off. Bonus!

Anyway.

Legolas will mop the floor with you, but he’s also already convinced you’re weaker than him anyway because you’re not an elf, so he’s gonna go kind of easy on you. And when you lose he will be all snide and superior about it, which means everyone in the fellowship is gonna sympathize with you, and Gimli will probably challenge him on your behalf afterwards, but here’s the key thing:

You will have lost a fist-fight to an immortal warrior prince.

Chorus

Jolene (×4)

I’m begging of you please don’t take my man

Jolene (x4)

Please don’t take him just because you can

Verse One

Your beauty is beyond compare

With flaming locks of auburn hair

With ivory skin

And eyes of emerald green

For years our town’s been terrorised

By the beast who takes disguise

In the shell

That calls itself Jolene

Our sleep disturbed by quaking breath

Eyes closed against the threat of death

That lies behind

The teeth of that Jolene

The closer that you get to her

The more those edges seem to blur

To something that

Cannot be called Jolene

Chorus

Verse Two

Your teeth are sharp, your mouth agape

Your claws rend flesh, there’s no escape

From judgement of

The Eldritch One, Jolene

But I’ve seen beyond that auburn hair

My eyes have met your vacant stare

But I’ve been told

I’m hard to scare, Jolene

Chorus but it’s:

Jolene (x4)

I’m begging of you please don’t take my man

Jolene (x4)

I’ll end this story just how it began

I’ll take your teeth if you try to take my man

End.

Adam: We had to check on Cabeswater and then some stuff happened, you know.

Gansey: Your shirt’s on inside out.

Blue: I’m proud? Adam, after the wedding, you wouldn’t even take Ronan’s name.

Adam: I use it for official things.

Blue: Letting him call you Mr. Lynch in the bedroom isn’t official.