“Pomni, I Think We’re Dead...”

"Have you ever done something that you regret?"

… those exact words have haunted me for… God knows how long, really. Time isn't really a thing here, as far as I know. Could've been a few minutes, at this point… who really knows?

I've always found them stupid; of course there's things I regret. Who doesn't? That's kind of the point of living, isn't it?

Well… at least that's how I always saw it.

Though, I don't think too many people messed up as bad as I did… I wouldn't recommend it.

It's quite an achievement when you run off everyone who cared about you until you're nothing but an empty husk. So every time you look in the mirror, every bad thing you've ever done is staring at you straight in the face until every part of you is just a conglomerate of them.

It gets pretty old, if you ask me.

Those same thoughts kept coming to me as I walked through the dark that'd taken over me. God knows how long that'd been. The only thing that even changed was the same red streetlight.

No matter how far I'd get, it'd always be there.

'Hey, idiot. Watch where you're going, unless you wanna knock yourself out.'

Yeah… I deserved that.

It wasn't all bad, though, concussion and insanity aside.

The best times were when someone talked to me.

Being in an empty void gets lonely… and when you can't see whatever loser's wanting to talk to you, it makes the feeling worse. But then again… I'd rather have some invisible ghost than nobody.

Even if it is just a hallucination.

… maybe all those bumps to the head knocked something lose after all.

Or I did end up going crazy in this digital hellhole.

Who knows?

Either way, I learned pretty quick that I couldn't make them show up, even if I wanted them to. Also had no choice in whoever talked, not that it mattered anyway. Sometimes, they'd come back after what I figured was a few hours… other times, there'd be long stretches where it was just me. Days, maybe… hell, maybe even weeks. Sometimes… it didn't really feel like anyone was actually there, except their voices.

Still, each time I'd be sitting there, listening.

Sometimes, even though it seemed stupid, I'd imagine being right there with them, looking them in the eye. They'd be happy to see me, and I'd feel…

…

…

…

Well… it's probably better not to focus on some stupid fantasy. I don't really deserve that after everything that's happened.

Besides, I couldn't even tell whoever was out there to get lost… not that I wanted to.

… it's amusing, you know?

Sometimes, it'd be Ragatha; she never changed too much. She'd say hi, tell me she had some stuff she'd been working on — she's taken up sewing, by the sounds of it — and then that'd be it. She'd mostly talk to fill the silence since… well, what other joker is she gonna talk to?

Then there's Zooble… they'd mostly just tell me I'm an asshole. I mean… they're not wrong. But they don't have to be all smug about it, it's really annoying…

Kinger started being weirdly polite… but it was awkward. I think he mostly talked to me because he was obligated to; considering the last thing I did to him was calling him crazy, I wouldn't blame him. But… he made it weirdly hard to make fun of him whenever he wasn't saying nonsense. I kept waiting for the joke and it never came. Or maybe I didn't want it to? I don't know…

And then Gangle… she never showed up.

…

…

…

I… couldn't blame her.

'It's your own fault, anyway.'

I don't want to see myself most of the time.

That's one of the good parts about—

"Hey… Jax…? It's me…"

I jolted when I heard Pomni's voice echo throughout the void.

Regrettably, I started smiling.

'Cut it out, idiot… you don't deserve her. She was glad you left. Don't kid yourself.'

"I'm sorry I didn't come in yesterday…" she continued, laughing a little — at me, no doubt. "Ragatha wanted to do an adventure together… and I thought I might try it out, just to see what it was like, y'know…?"

If I could scoff, I would've.

Figures. The last person I "talked" with was Zooble, and they just ran their mouth the whole time. I definitely needed something to take my mind off that.

… but Ragatha?

What kind of adventure with her could possibly be so exciting?

"Uh… it wasn't a huge thing," Pomni said. "She just wanted to ride horses around the mountain… I think she's starting to get more comfortable. I'm not gonna lie… I'm really bad at it. Caine had to give me a rocking horse because I kept falling off! I… could've done without the rocket launchers, but it did the job."

…

… okay, that was funny.

The horse thing. Not Pomni eating shit.

…

Actually no, yeah. That, too.

I couldn't help laughing as I pictured it: poor little Pomni rocking up a mountain tall enough to reach the sky, and Caine proudly announcing he'd "saved the day."

…

Typical.

"… once we got down the mountain, everything was fine, though," Pomni continued. I could practically see the smile on her face, even in the darkness… wherever she was. "Kinger set up a whole picnic… by a cliff. I was a little scared to go near it, but he made sure there were some butterflies around, just in case. You'd be surprised by how… strong they are. Ragatha almost dropped the jam, and one of them just… carried it back, like it was nothing!"

That figures…

I don't know how long she rambled on for, but I didn't care. She could talk forever if she wanted.

I listened to her go on about one of Kinger's stories about his wife… something about bugs. Apparently, he used to be terrified of 'em; he'd see 'em crawling all over him when he was back in the real world, and he'd have weird nightmares about 'em. Somehow his wife got him to stop being a wuss and… see them as good…

… I don't think I understood that part.

When they were done, though, he apparently made this huge butterfly they could all fly on. Caine made it so they were flying off into the sunset… which was rainbow sorbet flavored, according to Pomni. As odd as that sounded, I'll admit… picturing Ragatha screaming her stupid head off the whole way… that's one I'll save for a while.

They eventually found Gangle and Zooble hanging out in some kind of woods doing… something with paper. Knowing Gangle, it was probably her weird anime shit… guess she must've been living the dream there.

…

… origami.

That's it…

Pomni told me that she wasn't very good at it, but she still liked doing it… mostly because the papers all looked pretty when they flew off. Kinger also made a bunch of his butterfly things again, so they looked even better… apparently that was the prettiest thing Pomni ever saw. I didn't know paper could do that. But hey… the more you know.

If there's one thing I like about Pomni… it's how she doesn't act like she's better than anyone.

I thought it was so stupid how everyone would always sit down with her and cry about their dumb feelings: Gangle with her stupid mask, Kinger making sense for once, and what's-his-face having some breakdown. If I were her, I would've died from boredom… who even wants to hear that?

… I guess Pomni's better than me in that aspect.

Admittedly, though… I never appreciated every time she talked to me… not really. Last time I did… well… it didn't end very well.

At this point… I don't get why she doesn't go away for good…

…

…

…

… you're probably wondering why I even still wanted her around.

Being alone in a dark void… it does things to you. When you see nothing but the same red streetlight over and over… you want change. You start wondering when you won't see it again until it smacks you in the face and forces you to look straight at it… almost like it's laughing at you for being stuck.

The voices… those were the only thing I had…

I didn't care if they talked too much, treated me like I was an obligation, or… hell… reminded me of how much I screwed up. It was something, at least.

…

But Pomni…

She wasn't like them…

… she never was…

"… and that's… basically it…" Pomni sighed, snapping me out of my thoughts. "I… actually kept one of the little birds to give you. I don't know if you'd actually like it, but… I'll just leave it here…"

I sighed, imagining a shitty paper bird in my hands…

…

… this was so boring…

Even if none of it was real, I still wanted something different!

But that was the least of my worries.

The next thing Pomni said… I don't think I'll ever forget it.

"… hey," she said softly. "About your secret…"

I froze.

…

…

…

She told someone, didn't she.

That's why she was doing this… it had to be…!

That little…

…

Why was she even—

"I didn't tell anyone," she continued.

…

What…?

No. No, she was lying.

Just like everyone else…

How dare she…

I heard her sigh, which only made me more confused.

"… look… I know you were hurting a lot," she mumbled, sounding strangely… shameful. "… I don't know exactly what it's like… and I'm sorry… but… if you can hear me… just know that I wouldn't do anything like that unless you wanted me to…"

Hearing that, I almost felt like my stomach was going to drop out.

I started scrambling for whatever bullshit excuse she could have for saying something like that. Revenge? Pranking? Maybe sadism?! None of them made any sense…!

She couldn't…

Nobody would…

"I know you hate me," she continued, now sounding as though she was on the verge of tears. "But… please don't think you're alone… I forgive you for… everything. And… I'm sorry I wasn't there for you…"

I clenched my fists hard.

…

'I'm sorry?!'

What was she sorry for?!

What could she ever be sorry for?!

She… she didn't even…

…

Why…?

Why did she…?!

… I couldn't understand it…

I felt my heart race as I kept thinking about everything… I never wanted anyone to pity me, let alone her! I wasn't someone that needed pity… I never was!

But that wasn't what hurt me the most…

…

After a long moment of silence, Pomni let out another sigh.

"… I… guess I'll leave you be…" she said.

…

… to say I panicked was underselling it.

Immediately, I felt dizzy and hot. My hands started shaking, and my mouth fell open as I started panting, feeling like I was about to puke my guts out.

No.

No!

I couldn't do this!

I couldn't lose…

…

NO!

Before I knew it, I was running, my legs carrying me… I don't even know where. Maybe part of me wanted to reach out to Pomni, maybe force that idiot to not feel bad for me. Maybe I'd yell at her that someone like me doesn't deserve pity.

Just… something…!

All I knew was that I couldn't lose Pomni again.

I couldn't go through the silence.

I couldn't keep running in circles.

I couldn't…

…

…

…

I couldn't—

BANG!

Pain suddenly shot through my forehead, sending me falling back hard against the floor. I cried out in pain as I curled in on myself, gasping for air as I grabbed my head. Through my blurry vision… I felt a violent anger seeing that damn streetlight staring down at me with its stupid red glow.

'Idiot.'

I don't know how long I was laying there.

I kept gagging and coughing as the pain seemed to break every part of me. Every time I tried to get up, I'd feel dizzy again and just flop down again. I couldn't hear anything over my own breathing as I wheezed and coughed, but when I did… I almost wished that stupid streetlight would've shattered me altogether.

Pomni was gone…

I stayed quiet for a long time after… what was I supposed to do…?

I remembered how bored I was before I heard her… just walking around that same streetlight like usual. I kept thinking about how Zooble's words stuck in my head, even when I tried to ignore it…

…

'You messed up.'

…

'You made everything harder.'

…

'You hurt so many people.'

…

As I laid there, I felt like I was shot in my chest, each one of their words cutting into me.

… they weren't wrong.

I'm an asshole… and I probably always will be.

No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I always hurt someone. And every time, I paid the price in one way or another, eventually.

If I wasn't making people disappear, I made them hate me until I left for good.

… maybe in another time, I would've been happy about that. It definitely sounds like something I'd want: a life where nobody missed or pitied me… just a mistake that needed fixing.

…

But if that was true… I wouldn't have started screaming.

Maybe in that moment, I lost my mind, or maybe the pain hurt too much… but I started screaming as tears rolled down my face.

I sobbed so loud until I felt like my throat was going to explode. The streetlight felt too bright as its stupid red glow glared down at me, the void almost closing in on me until I was left alone with it. My hands were shaking so much that by the time I tried brushing my stupid tears off, I just kept jabbing at my face.

…

'This is your fault. You did this to yourself.'

…

'Why do you think you deserve pity? Are you really that selfish?'

…

'You're really going to cry looking like that?'

…

I kept imagining how everyone must've looked when I abstracted… they all must've thought I was a big joke.

… maybe it was my faut.

…

… but still… why…?

Why did I have to be alone?!

Even if I deserved it, I didn't care!

I couldn't be alone!

I couldn't do any of this alone!

I couldn't go on like—

"H-Hey…"

…

I froze again.

It wasn't Pomni… or anyone else.

In fact… they sounded like…

…

…

…

Slowly, I managed to pull myself to my feet, my arms shaking the whole time. Somehow, I was able to brush away the stupid tears to where I could see clearly — mostly. To my surprise… there was something new.

Different.

Standing in the middle of the dark, there was a figure outlined by the streetlight glow. To my confusion, I noticed it was a similar shape to me. Before I could fully register it, however, it flickered out as fast as I could blink.

"Wh-Who the hell are you…?" I asked, stepping back.

Surely, this was some hallucination… maybe I'd managed to knock a few more screws lose this time…?

'What does it matter… you're insane, anyway.'

"It's okay…" they said calmly. "I'm not going to hurt you…"

Nice enough thought, admittedly…

I almost wanted to feel comforted.

But then, as they came closer… shapes started to form in the dark.

Pink fur…

Purple overalls…

Stupid wuss face…

… oh God.

"Wh-What the hell are you doing here," I demanded, clenching my fists as the loser stopped.

What a joke. He even flinched when I spoke.

"I-I…" he stammered, tugging at his stupid gloves. "… I heard… you… you, um… you sounded… really upset…"

I scoffed. As if I was going to accept any sympathy from him.

Evil Jax.

Give me a break…

"… you heard wrong, dumbass," I snapped, giving him the meanest glare I could come up with. "Even if you did, why do you think I'd want someone like you with me. What, you want a cookie or something?"

Silence.

Good. That's what I thought.

I scoffed again as I turned away from him, rubbing my forehead as I stared at that stupid streetlight again… of all the times I'd wished for something different, this was the thanks I get?

Just when I thought my existence wasn't more painful…

"… I… I understand…" he continued, which I rolled my eyes at. "I… I know… you… you got hurt, didn't you…?"

I glared at him over my shoulder.

"What's it to you, girly boy?" I snapped. "Look, if you're gonna play the nice card, at least—"

"I-I just… want to make sure you're okay…!" he blurted out.

That… made me pause.

…

"Why?" I demanded, raising an eyebrow.

…

…

…

"… well… shouldn't somebody?" he finally answered. "It's… um… it's not like you have a lot of people in here… just… you… th-that's gotta be… um… lonely… right?"

I bit my lip, but I still glared at him.

"No," I shot back. "It's peachy."

"But I… o-okay…" he sighed, looking down at his feet. "I just… you… you could really—"

"Look, buddy," I turned around, feeling my face getting hot as I clenched my fists again. "I. Don't. Want. You. You got that? I don't need you! I don't need anyone! So get the hell out of—"

"Okay…! Okay…!" he held up his arms in a stupid 'surrender' pose… dweeb. "I… I'm sorry! I just… I wanted to help! You know how it is, right? Out there?"

I laughed sarcastically. "Oh, you don't need to tell me," I gritted my teeth. "Trust me. I lived it, dumbass. You think I don't know what it's like out there? Everyone treats you like you're this little egg that just needs to be cracked, when they could just as easily leave you the hell alone! It's annoying!"

"E-E-Exactly! I completely agree…!"

"Then why the hell are you wasting my time?!" I yelled, stomping up to him. "If we both agree it sucks out there, why the hell are you even here?!"

I wanted to punch him.

I wanted to do worse.

This idiot thought he had the nerve to baby me… and I hated it so much.

I half-expected him to snivel and cower from me like he always did. Maybe then I'd show him… I could take him.

But instead, he just… looked at me.

Not scared, or… hell, even like he was going to cry.

Just… like I was some messed up puzzle.

"… why do you want to go back out there?" he asked, strangely calmly. "If it's that bad… why do you care so much…?"

…

I opened my mouth, only for my mind to go blank.

…

What kind of bullshit was this?!

"I…" my eyes wandered down to my fists. "… I just…"

No.

Absolutely not.

I was not giving this asshole what he wanted.

"I don't," I finally snapped, my teeth feeling like they were about to break. "I just said that so you'd shut the hell up, okay?!"

"… then why did you run?"

I froze again.

He tilted his head at me, staring at me confusedly. "You were running to her… weren't you?" he asked, pointing God only knows where. "You wanted to be with her."

"Sh-Shut up."

"You said it sucks out there… so why?"

"I don't have to answer you, asshole!"

"Then why?"

I could feel sweat rolling down my face as he stared at me.

My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest as I silently gasped for breath.

No…

He was wrong.

I never did that.

I would never do that!

"You don't have to explain anything," Evil Jax said softly. "It's okay… really. You've been through a lot… but you don't have to hurt anymore, you know…?"

My voice felt weak as I avoided looking at him.

"… what the hell are you talking about?"

To that… the asshole made me look at him… his big stupid smile.

I hated him so damn much…

"You don't have to tell them anything," he continued, wiping away a tear I didn't even know was there. "You don't need them… you're safe here… and you know that. Think about it… if you were out there… what would they do to you? Do you think they'd forgive you…?"

His hand found mind… maybe I should have felt comforted by it?

I wanted to shove him, sure…

But what use would it be?

He wasn't wrong…

"We're in this together," Evil Jax smiled. "It's all scary out there… you don't have to go through all of that again. You're safe here… nobody to bother you… or… anything…!"

I closed my eyes, sighing as I hung my head.

… God damn it.

God. Damn. It.

'Why do you deserve anything… you did this to yourself, you know.'

'All of them are way better off without someone like you.'

'Maybe you shouldn't try again… maybe you deserve this.'

"Come on…" Evil Jax continued, tugging me forward. "… I know a place away from here that's much better… you'll feel much safer. You can stop running… it'll be okay…!"

He grew more insistent as he tugged me again.

Was he right…?

Was there something else beyond this?

… why didn't I know about it sooner?

That would've saved me the headache.

Still, I didn't answer, even as he kept insisting and pulling. For a moment, I thought he was about to pull my entire arm off, but he just wouldn't stop!

He seemed… desperate.

Terrified, really.

Almost like…

…

I looked back towards the streetlight.

The whole time, I'd yelled at that thing, cussing it out for the same stupid red glow that kept me down. Every bump to the head meant staring up at it again, and so on.

The only thing different were the voices.

Ragatha…

… and Zooble…

… and Kinger…

…

… and Pomni.

…

The whole time, they never gave up on me, even when they had every right to.

No matter how much of an asshole I was to them, they still made time to talk to me. Insults, obligations, or stupid rambles… I was still there to listen, wasn't I?

… and Pomni…

… she… she did something that…

…

I gritted my teeth as I made my decision.

I knew what to do.

It was right there.

…

…

…

I let Evil Jax lead me on a few steps.

I clenched my fist tight, knowing what was left.

I raised my arm high…

… before slamming my elbow into his jaw.

The sound echoed throughout the void, along with his girly scream as he collapsed to the floor.

I stared down at him as he writhed around like a worm, holding his face as he stared up at me like I'd killed someone in front of him. Maybe an appropriate reaction… but what did I care?

"Fuck. You," I growled.

The look on his face was priceless. Even in the red glow, I could see the terror in his eyes as he tried scrambling away.

"I… I…" he stammered, looking around like someone was gonna save his ass like a coward. "C-Can't we just… talk about this?! We both know it's not safe out there…! We… we could be happy…! Don't you want that…?!"

I shut him up with a kick to the stomach.

"Don't tell me what I want," I snapped as he groaned in pain. "Don't you ever tell me how I'm 'supposed' to do shit, you got it?! I don't need some wussy loser telling me anything!"

He opened his mouth to say something again… and that's when I saw red.

I don't know how long it all went on for.

All I can remember is the way my fists and feet pounded into him until they were covered in blood. He'd stopped whining halfway through, although I can't remember when. Every time he opened his mouth to scream, I just pounded into him more until he was coughing up blood, staring me straight in the face. I remember the way he looked at me… practically begging me to spare him.

The funny part is… I almost felt bad for him.

Seeing him on the floor like that… it brought back a lot of unwanted thoughts about the messed up shit I'd done. Memories of my last night in the real world came flooding back to me all at once.

The kitchen floor.

The pose.

The dark.

All of it in disgusting, graphic detail.

Even his stupid face…

Behind all that terror as I tore into him… there was a flicker of hatred in his eyes. A burning, searing hatred towards me for not putting up with his bullshit; how dare I, he was probably thinking.

I'd only seen that look every day of my shitty life back at home… it was nothing new to me.

His hatred meant nothing.

…

…

…

No… he was nothing.

That's what he'd been all along.

All the time I spent in the void… it was all him.

He kept me here… he kept me from doing everything.

Living.

… he took it all.

All for some sick form of 'safety.'

It was that very reason I kept at it… I screamed every swear I'd been holding back since I got stuck in digital hell. I squeezed my eyes shut to block out the tears, but they just kept falling anyway. My hands and feet felt numb, but I couldn't stop… not after what he did.

But eventually, I fell to my knees, feeling my chest wheezing for breath as leaned over, sweat pouring down my face. My head felt fuzzy, and my vision swam… I felt like I was about to be sick.

I hardly registered what I had even done until the asshole let out a croak, much to my annoyance.

Great… he still lived.

"… I… I don't get it…" Evil Jax groaned, looking up at me with his bruised face. "… I… I was just trying to… help… you…"

I hung my head, staring down at my shaking, bloody palms.

… I thought I would feel better.

I should have felt better.

This was what I wanted… wasn't it…?

Then why did it feel like I was just arguing with myself all over again…

…

I forced myself to turn back to the streetlight again, like I was some explanation of what I'd done if I stared hard enough. Maybe it was stupid… but where else could I go?

I turned to look at Evil Jax, cringing as he coughed more blood.

… I still hated him.

More than anything.

But looking down at him… I realized something.

None of it made sense.

No matter how hard I hated him or did anything… it couldn't change the fact I was him. Both of us, really… we were running from the same thing the whole time.

My breath caught in my throat.

Not relief… not like I wanted…

The space around me didn't change. The streetlight still sat there, both of us still stuck in that same red glow.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed there.

It became hard to tell anything apart… the void, the light, even Evil Jax… it all collapsed on itself to where I couldn't hold onto anything.

As I looked down… Evil Jax was just shapes.

Maybe he was still there… only quieter.

I began to feel something inside me loosen… like I'd just taken a deep breath from being underwater.

…

I hated it there…

I hated me there.

I stared down at Evil Jax… then the streetlight. I stared at the red glow… until it stopped meaning anything.

It never did…

"… I can't stay here…" I finally blurted out, my voice hoarse from screaming.

Shakily, I pulled myself upright, wincing through my teeth as I felt my legs nearly give out. By then… the streetlight dissolved into nothing but red pixels. Evil Jax, too, was nothing but shapes at my feet.

But that didn't stop him from trying… one last time.

"… you know what this means, right…?" Evil Jax asked me.

I simply nodded.

"Yes."

Little by little, I watched every part of him fade into the void. His outline remained, stubborn as always… but I didn't protest. I could only stare as it stayed longer, until it, too, dissolved…

…

… it was over…

He was gone… and all that was left was me.

Me.

…

…

…

For the first time in what felt like forever… I could smile…

Really smile.

A laugh escaped my throat… I felt like coughing, but I held it down. My chest suddenly felt warm, and I couldn't stop crying… that time, I let them fall.

I felt… free…!

I couldn't stop laughing…!

I could breathe again…!

It felt… safe…!

And before I knew it, there was white…

~~~

That brings me to now.

I woke up with my head pounding, feeling like I'd split my skull in two. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling a sharp ringing in my ears as I rolled over where I lay.

That's weird… when did the ground feel soft?

I groaned, feeling a hot feeling in my throat from screaming… I felt like shit, through and through. I for sure wasn't…

…

Wait… was that…

… laughter?

Almost subconsciously, I sat up, stifling a gasp in my throat before I caught myself, wincing as a sharp pain shot through my head.

… it was only then that I opened my eyes…

I was almost shocked to see something different from the void… if anything, I almost jumped when I saw what appeared to be the inside of a tent, covered in pillows from every corner. Across the ceiling — at least, from what I could tell — someone had hung fairy lights, painting the room in soft pinks, blues, and purples.

It was… strangely beautiful…

The best part, however… was the little origami bird sitting by my hand.

Pomni…

It was only then that I looked down at myself… and I almost passed out.

… I was real?!

Not only that… but my body looked almost identical to how I'd always wanted it. It wasn't a drastic change, though I couldn't stop myself from tearing up…

The only other big difference was the mass of hair — at least, what resembled hair — draped over my shoulders and back. On a closer inspection, I realized it looked exactly like an abstraction, complete with the multicolored eyes.

They winked at me.

I winked back.

Before I could admire it more, though, I jumped as I heard more laughter from outside.

My legs were shaking too much to stand, so I forced myself to crawl up to the entrance, only peeking out a little.

… sure enough… there they were.

All of them.

From the looks of it… they'd just returned from another adventure. They all looked so happy and carefree… just as we used to be. I couldn't shake the feeling, but they all looked like they weren't carrying anything heavy… especially in their eyes… that was always a huge problem.

… or maybe it was me?

I still think about going out… but I don't know if I'm ready. I know someone will find out that I somehow made it back… I don't know how I could even talk to them.

Hell… what can you say?

But for what it's worth… I've never felt so free…