pisces

You should automatically get time off work until the light returns to your eyes and you feel like a real person again

whole foods employee catches me stealing valuable artichoke water and tries to apprehend me but i quickly jump through one of his gauges and escape

was at a bar and a 50+ year old drunk white woman complimented me and my friend's outfits, told us there was a campsite up in northern maryland where a lot of gay bears go to have sex in the woods. we asked her how she knew about this and she very aggressively said "because i'm a FAG HAG!!! but i'm not allowed to say that anymore I GUESS!!!"

i hate that morrissey wrote i was looking for a job and then i found a job and heaven knows im miserable now. i hate that i have to give him that

"bears repeating" and "time flies" are two kinds of creatures that fill similar ecological niches

when your uncle gets the christmas pudding to a sustainable boil and it smells like straight up skeletons

how the fuck is this #solarpunk

the pudding contains a biological element

if my name was "wolfgang amadeus" i would also be getting a lot of shit done

explained to an 8 year old that once a fruit is ripe you only have so much time until it rots so you have to eat it soon and she said so i'll never be able to keep it perfect like this forever? no and there are about a million pieces of art for you unrelatedly

who up wasting their only shot at life through complete and utter inaction

not me it's get a bag thursday 💯🔥😤

SHES THE ONE WHO SAID THAT?????? queen i never knew it was her

one thing about me is i’m gonna go lay down