writing is hard

“I will pass all of this stuff on, but I really don’t think they’ll do it this time.”

“I have to go. Tell them I will love them forever!”

“Okay, Maman, bye, I love you.”

“I love you too, Jack.” Alicia hung up the phone and Jack was left alone in his room. As if on cue, the doorbell rang downstairs and Jack heard the door open with a proper Southern greeting from Bittle to the postman. Jack heard several sighs come from the living room when Bittle read the sender’s address out loud. Holster yelled Jack’s name loud enough to shake the floor.

As Jack walked down the stairs, all eyes turned to him with glares. He shrugged.

“There’s tens in it this time?” he said. Bittle, Holster, and Shitty seemed to feel as if this were sufficient compensation because they walked in to the kitchen and started to open the box. Ransom and Lardo, meanwhile, stayed put. Jack sat down beside Ransom on the couch.

“No pressure to participate, Rans,” he said. Ransom looked at Jack suspiciously. He looked at Lardo. He looked up the stairs. Then, he walked in the kitchen with the others and pulled out a spray bottle of toner along with a crisp ten dollar bill. Bittle selected a nice looking sugar scrub, Holster grabbed lotion, and Shitty triumphantly removed a face wash. Lardo didn’t get up. She leaned over and put her arm around Jack's shoulders.

“Jack,” she said, “I will never again try out this stuff for your mother. Tell her I still love her.” With that, Lardo stood up from the couch and walked up the stairs. As she walked up, Nursey ran down the stairs as if something was chasing him.

“Hey,” he wheezed, out of breath, “I see you have more Alicia Skincare Items.” He dodged past the others around the kitchen table and grabbed a bottle without looking or getting the money. “Last one,” he mumbled, and then ran back upstairs. Jack stepped over to the table as Ransom very carefully dabbed a bit of the toner on his wrist.

“If this one gives me a rash,” he declared, “I am suing you.” Shitty laughed at that.

“Dude, you are one-hundred-fucking-percent in your rights to do that. Mama Alicia shouldn’t be distributing this untested shit,” he said as he walked over to the kitchen sink and started washing his face with the “untested shit.” Bittle carefully squeezed a portion of the scrub onto his hands and rubbed them together. He rinsed them off under the same running water Shitty was using and smiled.

“Well, sweetpea, you tell your mother that I appreciate the free skin care. My hands feel very soft,” he said.

A week later, Jack texted the group chat to check up on how everyone is doing. Shitty responded first

Shits: Bro!! My face is SO fucking clear

Shits: Like, I’ve never had any issues with my skin but I feel motherfucking REJUVINATED rn

Shits: REJUVENATED*

Holster: Honestly? I feel nice. My arms are soft and smooth. Tell Alicia I said thanks.

Ransom: No rash. Nice feeling. *thumbs up emoji*

Bittle: image.jpeg

Bittle: That is my cheek *crying emoji* *head in hand emoji* *crying cat emoji*

Lardo: Which cheek?

Shits: Fuck man that’s rouuugh

Bittle: Larissa Duan get your mind out of the gutter!

Larodo: You didn’t answer my question ;)

Jack: So, not great for Bittle, eh?

Bittle: Jack Zimmerman I cannot believe you are chirping me right now.

Bittle: I have fallen into acne city at the hands of your own family and you’re mocking me?? I cannot believe you.

Jack: Hey, I didn’t ask you to pick that scrub.

Nurse: Oil is a no-go *thumbs down emoji* *thumbs down emoji* *thumbs down emoji*

Lardo: What happened to you?

Nurse: Just… trust me

Ransom: Nursey that oil is for your face.

Nurse: Oh my GOD I know that

Nurse: Holy shit. It made my nose peel. What the fuck is wrong with you *crying emoji*

Holster: Bet it didn’t just make your nose peel

Dex: His nose skin is on my fucking pillow.

Bittle: Lord, you all cuss like sailors! My mama would have you all in the corner twenty times over by now!

Dex: It may be because I grew up in a sailing town, Bits.

Shits: Don’t censor us Bitty Babes, we’ve got good hearts and all that shit

Bittle: My face is itchy *crying cat emoji*

Jack laughed out loud from his bed. Time to call Maman with the results.

“Yes, my darling son?”

“We’ve been using the stuff.”

“Oh, wonderful! What do the boys think?” “Holster used the lotion. Ransom liked the toner, no rash. Shitty is a fan of the face wash. Nursey said the oil made his nose peel but he also has really sensitive skin and won’t admit it.”

“Did the moisturizer make Holster’s skin softer?”

“Well, I guess, but that exfoliator made Bittle breakout and he’s not super excited about the results, maman.”

“Ah, damn. I’ll tell the company that the oil and exfoliator can’t be in the commercial with me, then. Anything else?”

“Uh, yeah... Shitty says I love you, thank you, and see you at Christmas.”

“Oh, how sweet! Tell him I said right back at you.” They said their goodbyes and hung up.

The next month, the team sat sitting around the living room watching the Bruins-Falcs game when the commercial came on. Most of them piled on the couch, but Bitty is sat on a blanket on the ground, careful not to touch the couch. Alicia appeared on the screen holding the same kind of lotion that Holster used.

“You don’t get model-ready with dry, cracked skin,” she said. The scene changed to her sitting in a perfect garden as the wind blew through her hair, now holding the toner. Then, water splashed on her face, somehow without moving her makeup. The screen shown all three products sitting side by side as the voiceover continued with “That’s why I use Chienne skin care, for healthy, happy skin.” It faded to black from the company logo and Jack started laughing his ass off. The team glanced at him worriedly as he started almost hyperventilating from his laughter. Shitty nervously chuckled along with him.

“Uh, Jack,” he said, “what’s so funny?”

“Tabernac,” he wheezed, “I never ever looked at the brand name-” he cut himself off with another bout of laughter.

“What?” Shitty was actually laughing a bit now.