Jewish holidays according to me, an Orthodox Jew with 12+ years of Jewish day school education and a healthy sense of humor
We’re too cool for goyish January 1st so we need our own date, preferably right at the beginning of the school year so you don’t have time to get acclimated to a schedule before getting food drunk again. But oh yeah judgement is scary! Better eat now before your fate is sealed happy new years :)
We eat very weird food as symbols for blessings-
Fish/Sheep heads (When I was 9, I read in an encyclopedia that fish eyeballs are a delicacy. They taste like licking the ocean floor, do NOT recommend)
Also, mmmm apples and honey
Try explaining this one to any non-Jew, they will look at you like you’re crazy. It doesn’t help that this one has basically one sentence in the Torah as a basis.
Alright, kids, try to follow along-
We live in a wooden hut (with branches for a roof because you need to be able to see the sky when you look up) for 8 days that is adjacent to your actual house, but nope don’t you dare take a BITE of that brownie unless you go out into 40 degrees and windy weather.
Conveniently debuted cold, rainy weather
Plastic silverware and cups blowing around like this is a hurricane or something
Featuring- a bitter lemon with a special hat that you must not remove and a tree branch that you have to wave around in the same fashion as the macarena
Hoshana Raba/Shemini Atzeret:
Holidays bandwagoning onto Sukkot, they think they’re special but they’re not.
Imagine hundreds of sweaty men on their second day without a shower dancing and singing badly in a way-too-small social hall with various children high on sugar zipping around. Fun holiday! Great for introverts.
Ooh, our first non biblical holiday. That means that even though it’s 8 days long and we got saved for persecution, you only get one day off of school. Don’t worry, though, teachers will give you definitely not homework anyways because finals season is soon!
But anyways, the oil lasted for 8 days so let’s eat cylindrical hash browns and donuts because we’re Jews and we love food.
I have 2 favorite parts of the Chanukah story-
Jewish heroine Yehudit seduced a very important dude with wine and cheese and then cut off his head to hang at the gates of the city
One of the Maccabee brothers (like the Jonas brothers of ancient times, but there’s five of them and they fight Greeks instead of sing) got trampled by an elephant in battle because those were apparently everywhere, which is hilarious to me
Trees got jealous of rosh hashana and demanded their own holiday, largely characterized by a song in which we declare that the almond trees are ripening. Also known as the holiday where everyone pretends that dried fruit is good for a day.
“Hey, let’s get drunk on an empty stomach! This will go great!” -everyone, immediately regretting that statement.
Easily the pettiest holiday, we listen to a guy read about how the villain paraded the hero around on a horse (which HE suggested as a reward for himself to the king) waxing praise about him, and getting garbage dumped on himself by his own daughter. Hilarious. Plus, he and his ten unpronounceable sons also got hanged on the gallows that he made for the hero. Karma is the devil. Oh yeah, and we boo very loudly every time his name is said. Petty as all heck.
Halloween on steroids- we go around and give food to other people, instead of them coming to us, and then you strategically plan where to hide your stash from your siblings so it’ll last long enough to be satisfactory, but not too long so you have to throw it all out for Passover cleaning a month later.
Another 8 day food holiday, Judaism is predictable. Most people already know about this one, but I just want to talk about the Seder because the whole concept of it cracks me up.
So you sit down for a meal at 8:30 pm, but you only actually eat a vegetable dipped in tears for the first hour and a half. So by the time it’s ten, everyone is STARVING but first, eat a ton of cardboard and some lettuce dipped in chopped up apples and cinnamon and walnuts.
Afikomen- at the end of this very long, drunken meal, you have to go on a scavenger hunt for one last piece of cardboard matzah dessert (that nobody actually wants to eat). Judaism!
This holiday gets real old real fast. If you ever want to appreciate carbs, just go eight days without eating anything resembling bread or pasta. How people do Keto amazes me.
Stay up all night learning, decorate your house with flowers, and eat a bunch of cheesecake. What’s not to love?
Comes at the end of a seven week countdown (or, excuse me, count up) where you can’t listen to music or get a haircut, so everyone’s pretty happy to do whatever by the time Shavuot rolls around.
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