My Boy Shane

But what about Ilya’s closet?

Ilya views his sexuality positively, but practically. He is attracted to men, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but let’s be serious. It’s a treat. Something you do to indulge. A vacation from the path that he must walk. I don’t believe one single article of Ilya’s being thought he would end up with a man until it was too late. He already loved one. Oops.

He hasn’t built an elaborate closet organizational system like Shane, he simple aborts the possibility before it forms. My coach’s son, nothing serious. It’s just a plan to fuck. We get together, we fuck, it’s simple. Even at the cottage: Hollander! It’s not a big deal!

I believe Ilya saw his life as inevitable, rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, like Shane, where there’s effort to hide. To Ilya, it’s simple. Ilya would marry a woman, maybe Svetlana, maybe someone else who he likes and gets along with. Women are fantastic, he prefers them, canonically, or at least acknowledges that it’s easier to prefer them. Have children, he loves kids! No problem. His life is not going to rock the boat, so what does it matter if he fucks a few men now? What does it matter if Shane Hollander stays the night and Ilya makes him a tuna melt and says his name tenderly because he wants to? None of this is real. None of this is the inevitable life that will be his. Is his.

You can contrast this to Ilya’s relationship to hockey, which I think, like Shane, he thought would be the pillar of his life. It would be his actual legacy. Where he made an impact for himself and others.

I think Ilya’s relationship to his bisexuality is tied up with what he thinks he’s deserves as a person. He’s a good lay for men and women, but he’s not anyone’s top choice. And that’s fine, he doesn’t want to get tangled up in feelings anyway. Better to keep things friendly and transactional, like with Svetlana. Like with Hollander! We have a good thing, maybe we can push it a little bit because neither of us have expectations of the other and—oh shit.

You don’t like me: I’m the fun party guy. I’m the guy who fucks you good, I’m not someone you should stake a claim on, someone that should occupy your thoughts. After all, I will not be getting deeply involved. My life is laid out before me, and this doesn’t matter. It can’t matter. We can’t be something, Hollander.

But instead, as we see, Ilya Rozanov dedicates himself to a sweeping, all-encompassing, queer love. He accepts that he has a well of feeling to share, that he has the ability to love deeply despite inconvenience. There’s another Ilya Rozanov in a different universe that said this is too much. I’m supposed to just fall into a life, not build one from scratch.

“Of all the things to do in New York City,” Shane said. “The one time we’re here without worrying about hockey and can just have fun, I can't believe you dragged me to a fucking candy store in the middle of fucking Times Square.”

“It's not just a candy story. It’s the M&M store,” Ilya said reverently. “It's practically a museum celebrating these incredible chocolate people. Look around, all this culture!”

“A bunch of tourists and overpriced plastic toys and chocolate, you mean.”

“Hate to break it to you, but you are a tourist, my love.”

Shane picked up a bright green baseball cap off the display - one with the Green M&M lady embroidered on the front. He put it on as if to prove a point. “Not the kind of tourist who wears cheesy hats.” He said it a bit too loudly, and a nearby dad in a Knicks hat gave him the stink eye. Shane hurriedly took the hat off.

“You look so sexy wearing hats, though.” Ilya took it from Shane and put it back on him, backwards this time. “I will buy this for you, okay?”

Shane just sighed.

“And we will go up to the gigantic wall on the 2nd floor where we can fill up a bag with the many different colors of M&Ms that we pick, and it will be fun, okay?”

“Fine.”

“And afterwards, we will go to your boring museum and look at boring architecture, but that will be fun too because we are together." Ilya said. "And because we will have a big bag of chocolates to distract from all the boring.”

“You asshole,” Shane said, but he was smiling huge.

Dignity of risk is the idea that self-determination and the right to take reasonable risks are essential for dignity and self esteem and so should not be impeded by excessively-cautious caregivers, concerned about their duty of care. - from the wikipedia page

let shane have his mango!!! he knows the consequences and is equipped and able to deal with them!!

imagining ilya having to talk to galina about it and how he knows he’s starting to do better about his mom when he stops having panic attacks at the thought of shane having his inadvisable mango

absolutely an important topic 🫡

but ilya gets home, repeats this, and shane is "wow I can't believe I HAVE to eat mango to help you do therapy"

"you don't HAVE t-"