Critical hit!

say things 

“But you’re not! That’s not even plausible! How can you just - you are not even puce. Fine. Fine. Another one.”

“Are you sure? You seem pretty mad.”

“I assure you I am wholly and terribly sane.”

“Heh, you know that’s not the kind I meant.”

“Hssssss.”

“Haha, fine, fine. I’m … a dragon.”

In a game I’m playing we found a magic item that basically let me do blood bending, it was made by a necromancer and we took it as well as a few other fucked up magic items, like a hammer that shatters bones into dust on a nat 20, after we kicked his ass. The DM designed these items knowing we would find and use them and typically my gaming group rewards players for finding creative ways to use magic and solve problems.

Later we came up against this guy who was just the worst type of character, murderer, slaver, kept women as his “personal servants”, and was just in general not a person we wanted alive. We fight the guy and we aren’t doing great so I use the item and I asked to just straight up rip the blood out of his body and it does a lot of damage, this basically changes the direction of the fight.

After we kill the guy, our DM is clearly annoyed because I got two good hits on him with the item. He tells me that me using the item in this way was an evil act because it was so merciless and I had to make a roll for my alignment. I called bullshit because we were there to kill him and none of us were going to spare him regardless. He tried to argue some shit that him being a bad person doesn’t mean I get to do bad things to him.

Ultimately I asked why the fuck he gave us the blood bending item if he didn’t want us to use it in the most effective way possible. He tried to spin some philosophical bullshit about self restraint but he was clearly just mad that we bested his boss fight when he wanted us to flee or for the boss to get away.

Maybe it is time to talk to the DM or look for a new group. A DM has to make sure their players are having a good time. If they are not that isn't a someone who should DM. Maybe consider becoming a DM yourself if you can't find a new group. I'm sure the others in your party are also frusterated by this.

episode one of the new campaign and Matt is already unleashing the sass 

Bonus+

a list of oc questions in alphabetical categories - i made each category based on the first word I could think of in alphabetical order, so enjoy!

A: Aptitude 1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young? 2. what activities have they participated in? 3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for? 4. what things are they bad at? 5. what is their most impressive talent?

B: Basics 1. what is their hair color? 2. what is their eye color? 3. how tall are they? 4. how old are they? 5. how much do they weigh?

C: Comfort 1. how do they sit in a chair? 2. in what position do they sleep? 3. what is their ideal comfort day? 4. what is their major comfort food? why? 5. who is the best at comforting them when down?

D: Decoration 1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name? 2. how would they decorate their child’s room? 3. how do they decorate their own room? 4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear? 5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends?

E: External Personality 1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality? 2. do they do things that conform to the norm? 3. do they follow trends or do their own thing? 4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads? 5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own?

F: Fun 1. what do they do for fun? 2. what is their ideal party? 3. who would they have the most fun with? 4. can they have fun while conforming to rules? 5. do they go out a lot?

G: Gorgeous 1. what is their most attractive external feature? 2. what is the most attractive part of their personality? 3. what benefits come with being their friend? 4. what parts of them do they like and dislike? 5. what parts of others do they envy?

H: Heat 1. do they rather a hot or cold room? 2. do they prefer summer or winter? 3. do they like the snow? 4. do they have a favorite summer activity? 5. do they have a favorite winter activity?

I: In-the-closet 1. what is their sexuality? 2. have they ever questioned their sexuality? 3. have they ever questioned their gender? 4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT? 5. how long would/did it take for them to come out?

J: Joy 1. what makes them happy? 2. who makes them happy? 3. are there any songs that bring them joy? 4. are they happy often? 5. what brings them the most joy in the world?

K: Kill 1. have they ever thought about suicide? 2. have they ever thought about homicide? 3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who? 4. who would miss them if they died? 5. who would be happy they died, anyone?

L: Lemons 1. what is their favorite fruit? 2. what is their least favorite fruit? 3. are there any foods they hate? 4. do they have any food intolerances? 5. what is their favorite food?

M: Maternal 1. would they want a daughter or a son? 2. how many children do they want? 3. would they be a good parent? 4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter? 5. would they adopt?

N: Never Have I Ever 1. what would they never do? 2. what have they never done that they want to do? 3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do? 4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done? 5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do?

O: Optimism 1. are they optimistic or pessimistic? 2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others? 3. are they good at giving advice? 4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them? 5. were they always optimistic?

P: Personality 1. what is their best personality trait? 2. what is their worst personality trait? 3. what of their personality do others love? 4. what of their personality do others envy? 5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities?

Q: Questions 1. do they ask for help? 2. do they ask questions in class? 3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable? 4. do they ask weird questions? 5. are they curious?

R: Rules 1. do they follow rules? 2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent? 3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule? 4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking? 5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous?

S: Streets 1. are they street-smart? 2. would they give money to someone on the streets? 3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets? 4. has anything happened to them on the streets? 5. are they cautious when out?

T: Truth 1. are they honest? 2. can they tell if someone is lying? 3. is it obvious when they’re lying? 4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about? 5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will?

U: Underdog 1. have they been bullied? 2. have they bullied anyone? 3. have they been physically attacked by a bully? 4. have they ever been doubted? 5. have they surprised people with being good at something?

V: Vomit 1. do they vomit often? 2. do they get lots of stomach aches? 3. are they good at comforting someone ill? 4. what do they like as far as comfort goes? 5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting?

W: Water 1. do they drink enough water? 2. have they learned to swim? 3. do they like to swim? 4. can they dive? 5. can they swim without holding their nose?

X: Xylophone 1. what is their favorite genre of music? 2. do they have a favorite song? 3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer? 4. can they sing well? 5. can they rap?

Y: You 1. how old were you when you created them? 2. what inspired you to create them? 3. were they different when they were first created? 4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters? 5. what’s your favorite thing about them?

a wolf’s fur is so unbelievably thick that you can get like, your whole hand into it while petting. and then you can keep going

wolves are a lot bigger than you think they are. think about how big you think a wolf is then just like double that

they dont really smell like dog but they DO smell and youre not going to be able to figure out if its a good smell or not

a wolf really wants to lick the inside of your mouth. he will not stop trying to lick the inside of your mouth at any cost, and generally speaking you need to press your lips together kind of tightly when he approaches your face so that he doesnt worm his damn tongue in there to give you what he thinks is an appropriate greeting

a wolf doesnt really want to look at you while you pet him but he wants you to pet him. hes embarrassed

if a grown ass wolf decides to lay down on you, you just have to deal with it and thats your life now

young wolves, much like young dogs, are overwhelmingly goofy and stupid. a teenage wolf will see your very fragile, very human shoulder and go “i can probably step on that with my full weight” and then he will do it

Barbie….. and the bastard. 

Day 53 of the 75 Days of Dice Challenge!

My pink metal dice~!

Aries: They’re probably putting their highest stat towards strength or dexterity. Could possibly be in any class, but prefers not to cast spells. Often makes stupid comments to the DM when they get mad.

Taurus: A natural at casting spells, even the difficult ones. Usually prefers to heal instead of fight. Though when you come in contact with conflict things get messy. Proficient in animal handling, somehow.

Gemini: Definitely knows how to outsmart monsters to a degree. Surprisingly decent at navigating dungeons. Either really lucky or really unlucky when rolling dice, there’s no in between.

Cancer: When it comes to Dungeons and Dragons, they’re usually in the spellcasting classes such as Cleric or Druid. Maybe even Warlock or Wizard. Holds a great deal of wisdom and intelligence and respects the DM.

Leo: Spellcasting is iffy for them, yet they might just go with paladin or bard. They like to be the boss of the group though sometimes that doesn’t always fly. Has saving throws in charisma probably.

Virgo: Intelligent as hell. They can often track the paths of enemies and creatures and can lead the group to where it was. Definitely has enough skill for spellcasting.

Libra: Honestly, they’re very similar to Leo and Gemini in this sense. They can be crafty when they want to, or up front in battle and leading the charge. They’re known to carry a lot in their backpacks.

Scorpio: They’re actually not the edgiest of the group (most of the time) and prefer to play as an elf. Or half-elf. Nonetheless, their skills with spells are decent but they’re even better with perception and deception. Probablya rogue.

Sagittarius: They often carry the group and are the backbone of support. They’re the person you don’t think you need, but when they’re gone you need them. Proficient in survival and nature.

Capricorn: Knowledgeable about many things, they sometimes even feel the need to correct the DM. They’ve been playing for a long time and often help newer players. Possibly a wizard or a warlock.

Aquarius: They enjoy taking their own creative twist on creating a character. Probably goes in a different direction than what they think of themselves and their character contradicts their personality. Nonetheless it’s entertaining. Charismatic!

A few joking D&D achievements.