who, me?

august 2015: jalen brunson enrolls at villanova university as a hyped recruit for point guard and meets junior josh hart (big east sixth man of the year, "he can come in and play any position except probably point guard" -villanova coach jay wright).

it does not go well: "I hated Jalen. I thought he was one of those annoying five-star recruits that come in entitled. [sighing] Unfortunately, he was the opposite." -josh, being normal. reportedly, he disliked jalen because he met jalen's father rick brunson first, and rick tried to act tough

baby josh, with bonus comments from adult josh:

2015, cont'd: "[Josh] bullied me during practice, threw me into a door, threw the ball at me. Got in a fight with Mikal [Bridges, now a Knick] and Donte [Divincenzo, former Knick] at separate times during practice, weight room. He was a team bully for sure." - Jalen

Brunson and DiVincenzo usually ended up bonding over one specific thing more than any other that year, a topic that brought them together and forged the foundation of a lifelong friendship: Josh Hart was an incredibly annoying person. [...] Brunson met Hart that fall and liked him right away. He found Hart's constant jawing to be coming from a place of love, and he often stood up for the junior when teammates railed on him. On a recent episode of their new podcast, "Roommates Show," Brunson described Hart as "a dog that needs to mark his territory." So he understood why other players grumbled about Hart. Hart has thick skin and expects you to have it, too. And if that skin is thin, he tends to elect himself as your personal toughener. For almost every teammate, they go through stages of annoyance with Hart: despising him, avoiding him, tolerating him, embracing him. He's one of those Draymond Green-type guys teammates end up loving because he might be a nuisance but he's their nuisance. Brunson had already worked his way through all the stages. He recognized right away that Hart was an essential element in what Villanova had built. Hart was a consistent scorer who also hit the boards hard as a guard, and his energy was the team's main power source. He somehow managed to stir the pot in a way that was usually a positive -- he always made things interesting. [...] Hart is the perfect player to have in those moments when self-pity can become a warm blanket. Former teammates -- especially Brunson -- pick on Hart as a half-asser in practices. But they also say that he's a live wire who picks his moments to go hard and that his demeanor makes complacency impossible. He's a pest in the best possible way, and he went full Hart during what could have been an existential crisis for a team. It's easy to see why the injury-depleted Knicks never quite flatlined this year. "He plays like he is possessed," Booth says. "Once you got to know him, you know that his heart is good. You realize he's just Josh being Josh."

by josh's own account, late in the school year, he texted mikal after one of these incidents to ask if it was all good between them; mikal texted back that it wasn't and they patched things up and developed a friendship

things with jalen's roommate, donte divincenzo (still one of jalen's dearest friends, would eventually be groomsman at his wedding), remained rockier. at one point josh put donte in a headlock in the locker room and donte decided to avoid him from that point forward.

by coach wright's account, josh and jalen were by far the two most competitive guys on the court: "I do know that the two guys in practice that could take a drill too far, in a good way, where I had to say, ‘Yo everybody, chill out,' was those two guys."

march-april 2016: march madness! donte is hurt and does not participate. villanova wins their first ncaa basketball championship since 1985! the first drought this trio would break, but not the last

DiVincenzo credits Brunson for being the bridge from the team to him and one of the main reasons he was able to play a pivotal role in Nova's postseason without playing a single minute. The fabric of that relationship? Despising Josh Hart. "Josh will tell you, I hated him," DiVincenzo says. "A bunch of guys did. Jalen and I were best friends, and Jalen had to say, 'Come on, he's fine.' But yes, that was our common bond." [...] Brunson continued campaigning for Hart with DiVincenzo, emphasizing that Hart throws high heat only at people he truly cares about. "That means he values you," Brunson told him.

august 2016: jalen and josh become ROOMMATES. (oh my god, they were roommates.)

jalen's account of josh as a roommate: extremely messy. owns so much crap that he starts storing it in jalen's space as well as his own. owns an entire three-drawer container full of candy and snacks. jalen does not appear to wholly mind this

josh's account of jalen as a roommate: NEEDYYYY. constantly coming into josh's space, asking him for attention or to hang out. josh does not appear to wholly mind this

other notes on josh:

godawful at practice. the only person on the team coach wright has ever had to send out of practice (because he was goofing off)

when they were on the road for championship games, reportedly snuck his girlfriend into their hotel rooms

absolute mike and ike fiend. sneaks them into his water bottle because he is, as you'd expect, chronically forbidden from eating loads of candy. pours them out into his coat pockets. hides the boxes in the trash. joshua what is wrong with you

sometime around halloween, 2016: jalen and josh go through a haunted house together and jalen gets scared so he starts clinging to josh's arm

fall 2016: The Weight Incident with donte:

But as the next season began, the Villanova team weight room was being renovated and DiVincenzo found himself in an open student fitness center jawing with Hart. Hart made some sort of insult that caused an agitated DiVincenzo to tell him, “Say it again,” as he stood with a 10-pound plate in his hand. Hart said it again, and DiVincenzo swung the weight at him. The ensuing brawl was eventually broken up by teammates, including Brunson, and the two ended up having to meet with Wright. Wright couldn’t believe that DiVincenzo swung a weight at Hart. But he also couldn’t believe Hart said what he said — nobody who spoke with ESPN for this story would repeat it. “The plate should have hit him with what Josh said,” Brunson says now.

we have no idea how they reconciled this but they are now buddies.

march 6, 2017: jalen on instagram for josh's birthday: "Happy birthday to my Brodie @ josh hart! Hope you have a great day bro! #goat 🐐 #fittb #youmadbruh #youarecurrentlysittingfivefeetfromme #itscoolthough #itsyourbirthday #yah #badboycontestyouinfirstplace #nowyouarekindaupset #becauseyoulostinmadden #imsorryyouaremad #youjusttookanLbutnextgameyoubounceback #okayimdone ✊🏽" pick your favorite.

march 2017: march madness! donte gets to participate this time! all 4 future nova knicks with their powers combined! surely this will go well!

they get knocked out in the second round, not least due to some late-stage buffoonery from josh (he fucks up and loses the ball, his teammate has the chance to salvage it with a crucial final shot, he misses.) jalen will pointedly remind josh that he only has 1 college championship for the rest of their friendship.

june 2017: josh graduates, enters the draft, and goes 30th to the lakers after some trade shenanigans. (jalen on instagram: "Congrats to my big brother!") this does not stop him from—

march-april 2018: —coming back to villanova to cheer on jalen as he wins his second ncaa championship in (this is absolutely true) the then-spurs arena in san antonio:

Hart made his way to San Antonio on a private jet and landed in San Antonio less than an hour before tipoff... "I'm so nervous," Hart said. "I'm literally shaking, I'm so nervous. It's amazing to be down here to be down here and see these guys play."

coach wright says he strictly forbade josh from taking a private plane because josh did not have that kind of money at the time but josh did it anyway

they let him have a little CHAMPIONS hat even though he didn't do anything... that's so nice

june 2018: jalen graduates (after doing his degree in three years—apparently well, too, he won a couple of athlete-scholar awards). he enters the draft, and goes 33rd in the second round to the dallas mavericks. he is drafted after his classmates mikal, donte, and omari spellman, who currently plays for the beijing ducks.

he will never get over this, ever. i'm not joking. even his youth education charity is called "second round foundation"

june 2018-june 2022: The Grind:

josh bounces from los angeles (mostly sidelined with injury; brief walk-on role in general hospital, for some fucking reason) to the new orleans pelicans to the portland trailblazers. he has something like 5 or 6 coaches. he gets engaged to his high school sweetheart shannon in a photo i can only describe as "astonishingly caked up".

why were your pants that tight, josh. society may never know.

brief aside on shannon: extremely funny. very grounded personality. registered nurse. ASTOUNDINGLY beautiful. they seem to have been on-and-off through high school and college (possibly due to fighting?). josh has mentioned having to buy her a lot of flowers because he regularly says and does stupid shit to get on her nerves

addtionally here is an instagram link to shannon and josh engaging in what i will respectfully describe as "married folks' business" at the knicks championship parade, which i cannot watch without blushing.

in new orleans, josh meets and befriends tiny then-rookie jose alvarado and helps get jose's family 20 tickets to see him play at msg for the first time. in portland he reportedly has a bout of depression because he can't handle that much rain, or stan van gundy

he remains in the nba uncanny valley of always being good enough to be a valuable trade asset, but never being good enough to be a Guy You Want To Keep. he also has all of his high fives ignored repeatedly, for some reason

jalen meanwhile puts in a few years as a bench guy/backup point guard for dallas mavericks franchise face and superstar luka dončić. (if you are a casual you may be saying: "franchise face? i thought he was on the lakers?" yes. unfortunately, as will be discussed later, the mavs front office.)

it's a disappointing situation for jalen relative to his ambitions, but he has a chance to show off his stuff in the playoffs when luka gets hurt, and as a bonus he and luka fall deeply in love (video 1, video 2).

interlude - may 14, 2022: some hapless fan tweets, "Jalen Brunson's footwork is elite.." josh helpfully quote-retweets this with "It's cause his heads fat as hell. Keeps him balances better"

jalen quote-retweets this and says, "If you keep trying me, the whole world will know your nickname @ joshhart." josh replies within 2 minutes: "Bro it was a typo. I ain’t mean to tweet that 😂 you know you my guy!"

possibly the first documented instance of jalen bossing josh around? no we have never found out what this nickname is

summer 2022: unfortunately, as will be discussed now, the mavs front office. full rundown here, but the upshot is that mavs owner mark cuban assumed no one would want to pay jalen very much money and kicked his contract re-signing down the road. he also forgot that he had allowed jalen's agent to remove the team option from his rookie contract for essentially no fucking reason.

sorry to texas for many things. anyway, the aforementioned jalen's agent had just left the agenting business and become president of the new york knicks. he also happened to be jalen's godfather.*

*not literally true, but functionally true, he was a lifelong friend of the brunson family and held jalen as a baby before his father did.

the knicks are later investigated for tampering (a word which here means "talking to jalen about signing before free agency officially began in june"). they obviously fucking did this, and are duly fined. jalen signs with the new york knicks.

november 25, 2022: josh has what is then his career high in rebounds in a trailblazers-knicks game at madison square garden.

JOSH: I had, like... I should've had twenty [rebounds], I had nineteen... and then [giggling] some little annoying fat motherfucker drew three fouls on me, I fouled out. Dog, I was so mad— JALEN: [innocently] Me?

february 8, 2023: jalen brunson's number is retired at villanova. jalen goes to villanova to attend the ceremony. while there, he is told that the knicks have traded for josh hart.

please watch the full video of this for 1) jalen screaming like a little kid, 2) a guy attempting to dap up jalen in celebration and getting completely ignored because jalen is too happy, 3) jalen also completely ignoring his fiancee ali

february 11, 2023: josh's knicks debut. he plays fantastic defense and helps beat the jazz 120-126. jalen puts up 38 points in an excess of romantic feeling. immediately after the game they are effusive about each other and cling to each other romantically

by postgame josh has remembered that if he doesn't make fun of jalen he will die

JOSH: Look how cute you were! This was right after that. Look how cute he is! Look how happy he is! REPORTER: Your cheeks are turning rosy. JALEN: Yeah, man. Um. What was the question?

february 22, 2023: josh posts an insta story of jalen immediately after taking his braids out

february 24, 2023: josh retweets a video of his own defensive highlights with "When it’s not your night offensively got to do the little things to impact the game"; jalen quote-retweets this with "You are so inspirational." josh replies, "I'm blocking you."

march 7, 2023: josh is asked about fatigue after a tough loss to charlotte and replies "keep that in perspective. you've got people getting up at 6 am, doing 12-hour shifts. those people are tired. for us, we're playing a game." this has nothing to do with jalen but imo it's an interesting look into how josh's mind works

april 13, 2023: the first new york times article about their Special Bond. not the last. highlights:

When Knicks point guard Jalen Brunson was asked if Josh Hart had changed much in the eight years they had known each other, he feigned exasperation and quickly said no. Then a little smile crept onto his face. "He's still a 2-year-old," Brunson said. "Loves candy. It's like having—he's older than me—it's like having a little brother." This was all news to Hart, also a Knicks guard, who countered that Brunson, too, has not changed a bit since college. "He's a child, that's what he is," Hart said. "He's a child. I'm the parent." [...] "Like his big brother was coming home from college or something," [Coach Jay] Wright said [of Jalen's reaction to Josh's trade]. "He was so excited. It was genuine, you know. After he saw, he just still kept walking around like: 'I can't believe it. I can't believe. I can't believe we have Josh. I'm so pumped we got Josh.' He didn't stop the whole night. [...] They sit together on the team plane and, according to [Mitchell] Robinson, tell inside jokes that their teammates don't understand.

april 15, 2023: jalen and josh's first playoff games as knicks ("josh has never been to the playoffs without me." -jalen) josh wears a t-shirt with an enormous photo of jalen's face on it to the post-game presser.

"It's a handsome photo." -Josh Hart

"We've been through worse." -Jalen Brunson, sighing

"He gets in foul trouble the day I wear it, so I’m gonna go burn it and never wear it again." -Josh again

april 21, 2023: josh eating popcorn out of his hand like a horse while staring directly into jalen's eyes. jalen, trying and failing not to smile: "you're a child, dawg."

this also marks the first instance of josh braiding the NY logo into his hair. note that at this point he was only contracted through the end of the season

april 23, 2023: josh, mic'd up, uses the opportunity to quote-unquote sing "don't stop believin'". the press gleefully quizzes a horrified jalen about the incident.

also first known incidence of jalen debuting his 3-point celly

april 26, 2023: the knicks win their first playoff series in 10 years.

jalen on playing with josh: "it's like fairytale stuff."

josh on jalen: "he continues to prove people wrong... that’s what you want in a point guard. that’s what you want as a leader. that’s what you want as one of the stars on the team."

josh eating chicken wings and sucking on the bones while staring directly into jalen's eyes. jalen, trying and failing not to smile: "don't do this again, bro."

april 28, 2023: josh on WFAN:

"I think [Jalen's] fiancée and my wife are a little annoyed sometimes. My wife got mad at me the other day,” Hart said. “I was playing video guys, I was about to play with Jalen, and she was like, ‘Didn’t you guys just see each other?’ I was like ‘Yes. Technically.’ But that's just how we are."

may 2, 2023: josh eating pizza and staring directly into jalen's eyes. jalen, trying and failing not to smile: "finish chewing."

may 12, 2023: the knicks are eliminated from the playoffs rip but josh does not mourn because shannon gives birth to twins!!

surely this event will result in nothing but wholesome and adorable vibes for everyone involved.

may 30, 2023: josh hart tweets, "Have yall ever tasted yall significant others breast milk? Asking for a friend"

"Nah bro no BS delete my number," replies jalen, not unreasonably. he also posts a screen recording of himself unfollowing josh and requests on instagram that everyone else unfollow josh immediately

june 5, 2023: long interview with josh and taylor rooks, where he admits:

he and jalen talk "literally every day"

jalen is way way goofier off-camera than he is on-camera

jalen facetimes josh at 1 am frequently enough that it's a problem for shannon

josh and jalen would be on facetime together while josh changed his sons' diapers

the day jalen signed with the knicks he and josh worked out at the villanova gym together all morning

in college jalen once caught josh with an elbow during practice and he and josh knew so simultaneously that josh was about to fuck him up that jalen didn't even try to get away just stopped at the basket and waited for josh to barrel into him. after which "[they] knew [they were cool]" and immediately got lunch together

josh imitated mikal's three-point celly and jalen got jealous and asked josh why josh wasn't imitating his instead

little does jalen know that one of the best (if tragically short-lived) meldings of his basketball and his friendships is about to begin:

july 1, 2023: donte divincenzo turns down his option with the golden state warriors and signs with the knicks!!!! the Nova Knicks (OT3 Edition) era officially begins

july 10, 2023: jalen on twitter: "Let’s get one thing straight, stop asking me about josh. Don’t ask about Donte. I don’t like them they’re not my boys. They are coworkers. Nothing more. Thank you."

"So why you just FaceTime me?" replies josh

someone else replies with a video of him rapping along to cardi b while donte attempts to twerk in the background. "That's not me," says Jalen, believably

july 30, 2023: jalen gets married!! donte is a groomsman!!! the nova boys get lit, especially mikal. coach wright and knicks coach tom thibodeau commiserate about josh's practice habits. we get this insane photo of josh staring longingly at jalen across the floor as he dances with his wife.

brief aside on dr. ali brunson: jalen's high school sweetheart (much like shannon); he proposed on their high school basketball court and she wore her senior prom dress as her second wedding look. jewish (they had a ketubah and danced the hora at the wedding!), physical therapist. extremely sweet personality.

together ali and jalen co-parent kona, a mini goldendoodle. "the most important thing in my life besides basketball" -jalen. this was before he had a child so the priority list may have changed but honestly who can say.

in the course of researching this i discovered that jalen's dog's birthday (march 5, 2020) is the day before josh's (march 6, 1995). do with this information psychologically what you will.

august 2, 2023: jalen and josh head to the fiba world cup, where they have both made team usa! (jalen actually moved up his wedding by a month for this.) josh instantly accosts him. "i don't wanna be here any more, man, i wanna go home," says jalen sadly as josh lovingly gropes his torso.

august 7, 2023: the other members of team usa are polled about who they think the best player in training camp is; cam johnson says jalen and anthony edwards says josh, which i think is nice. steve kerr calls jalen a "natural leader". josh befriends tyrese haliburton.

august 9, 2023: josh re-signs with the knicks. jalen stalks and films him at dinner in spain

august 10, 2023: jalen quote-retweets the video of josh being stalked and filmed at dinner in spain. "So disrespectful that people record him in public, let the man be," he says

august 20, 2023: jalen and hali get into a mild competition over who should be team usa's starting pg. hali vows to josh to "go crazy against the knicks" moving forward. he is joking. however, as we will discover later, he is not fucking joking

august 28, 2023: josh and jalen are quizzed about which teammates they would take on vacation. josh says "jalen" and it is revealed that he has done so under duress from a man in sunglasses and a large hat, possibly named balen jrunson. people also keep running into them taking long walks together through BGC

august 30, 2023: jalen befriends hali and immediately starts making fun of him for not being able to use chopsticks.

later, team usa loses the world cup super embarrassingly. hali would later make the 2024 olympic team. jalen and josh would not

october 19, 2023: the macallan and a fancy food/drink magazine throws a party in josh's honor at zuma ny. we get this iconic photo of jalen knowing how to dress for a fancy restaurant and josh looking at him really normally. shannon is right next to him

november 3, 2023: josh hart miming sucking a dick on camera

november 8, 2023: victor wembanyama's msg debut. "not as big as i expected," he says. he scores 14 points, finishes with a minus 25, and the spurs lose 126-105. this doesn't have much to do with jhjb i'm just being a hater for no good reason

november 23, 2023: speaking of hating for no good reason, josh is asked where he thinks ny knick center mitchell robinson ranks among starting centers in the league and says "30, for sure." "You need help" jalen tweets at him. "Love you too bro," josh replies

november 25, 2023: josh insta photo of jalen cupping the back of his head and staring lovingly into his eyes. not part of a photodump or anything. just that one

november 28, 2023: josh retweets a post about his 19-rebound game last year with "Should have been 20 but a fat headed point guard was flopping."

"At least @ me breast milk lover", replies jalen brunson

december 4, 2023: jalen and josh shoot an unbelievably awkward promo spot for the new york rangers. they will never, ever, ever get better at ad reads

december 6, 2023: jose alvarado (still on the pelicans) says that if new orleans wins the nba cup, he would put his $500k prize money into a fund for his daughters. "What a loser. Go get you some ice 💎💎" josh advises him on twitter

december 23, 2023: becky hammon infamously comments on espn that the knicks will never seriously compete in the eastern conference finals because they don't "have a guy... if your best player is small, you're not winning." josh promptly hollers at jalen that he's too small on his way out of the locker room pre-game (x)

he also comments separately: "People are gonna say stupid s**t all they want. At the end of the day, the beauty about [Jalen] is that he doesn't care about what other people say. He cares about winning and he cares about success."

january 6, 2024: jalen is asked about how he feels about josh's +46 in that night's game and responds deadpan, "i could care less."

january 9, 2024: jalen says his teammates are "ultimate professionals"; when asked if this applies to josh, he says immediately, "i take that part back"

january 22, 2024: jalen calls josh a "sick human being" on twitter for no discernible reason

january 24, 2024: becky hammon drama, pt. 2: candace parker appears on inside the nba to say "i agree with my coach... last year in the playoffs, great first round, second round not so much."

jalen did better in the second round than the first last year, but is not interested in responding to this sort of thing. josh, apparently literally always interested in responding to this sort of thing, makes a point of saying "Shows you some of them don’t actually watch basketball" on twitter

january 25, 2024: in response to conversations about whether jalen will be named a starter for the all-star game, josh tweets, "If he’s not….WE RIOT!"

january 26, 2024: jalen is not named a starter for the all-star game. josh is asked whether he's seen the news about his teammate. "yeah. fuckin' loser," he replies

february 1, 2024:

JALEN: I'm doing an interview. I need you to be on your best behavior. If you were guarding me, how would you stop me? ...What'd you say? JOSH: [snickering] Nothing. Um, that's tough. I would try to be physical? You're gonna go through, like, fourteen pivots and shot fakes before you actually shoot the ball. And then I'm gonna have to somewhat show my hands and jump somewhat back, because you jump into people and get fouls. JALEN: So basically you can't. [...] This is really professional of you. I'm really happy that you're maturing. JOSH: You didn't hear my first answer, it cut off. JALEN: What was your first answer? JOSH: I said, smack the shit out your fatass head. JALEN: —Yo, Shannon, it can't be that funny. It can't be that funny. (x)

february 6, 2024: iconic basketball announcer mike breen and new york legend clyde frazier's 25th anniversary of doing tv commentary together, which jalen and josh celebrate by accosting them on the court and doing a looney tunes handshake routine

february 4, 2024: jalen and josh announce THE ROOMMATES POD, hosted by jalen, josh, and josh's bff matt hillman, a pillar among nba player podcasts, whose weekly episodes consist of roughly 30 minutes of jalen and josh talking absolute nonsense and 55 minutes of ads

february 8, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: josh and jalen take a Friendship Test, resulting in this iconic clip of josh's impression of jalen ("guys! coach is wight! if we wanna win, it'th on uth!")

february 26, 2024: jalen attempting to get a ball from behind josh for shootaround and shoving him bodily to the ground

february 27, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: josh complains extensively about jalen wearing tight leggings in the locker room instead of shorts and how upset he is by it

also, this photo of jalen climbing josh bodily like a gay little squirrel

february 29, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: josh is asked for an embarrassing story about jalen and delightedly shares a story about buying a "one size fits all" hat that wouldn't fit jalen's head

josh also complains sadly about not being one of jalen's groomsmen like donte was

march 3, 2024: jalen suffers a severe-looking noncontact knee injury. josh panicks and puts up a triple-double. when asked about it afterward, he says, "jalen didn't want to play," which multiple knicks reporters describe in articles as a sign that jalen is going to be okay

march 11, 2024: official release of a jalen brunson funko pop. josh instantly mocks the size of his head on twitter

march 14, 2024: josh has 15 rebounds in a win over the trailblazers. reporter asks jalen to say "something nice" about josh. "no. next question," says jalen

march 16, 2024: jalen urges the sacramento crowd to boo josh at an away game after he picks up a flagrant one

march 18, 2024: CANON EVENT: JALEN AND JOSH ON HOT ONES VERSUS

jalen asks josh the meanest thing he ever said or did to a villanova teammate; josh looks genuinely ashamed and eats a wing rather than answering (we will NEVER find out what he said to donte)

josh is asked to rank "alternative milks" and cheerfully puts breast milk at number one. "why are you the way that you are?" asks jalen

josh gargles milk and makes jalen laugh so hard he has to leave the shoot

they are asked Friendship Test questions about each other and get annoyed that the questions are too easy

they have a "whoever laughs first loses" contest and crack up so simultaneously they need video review

jalen wins the trophy. "i really appreciate this," he says. "this reminds me of the 2017 trophy we should have won if josh didn't shoot that bullshit shot against wisconsin"

march 29, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: "what do you get paid to do?" jalen asks josh. "run around like an idiot during the game and just fuck shit up," josh replies promptly

april 6, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: jalen forces josh to explain why he was so caked up in his proposal photos

april 8, 2024: jalen, josh, and donte stare at the solar eclipse

april 10, 2024: jalen, josh, and donte video for slam nba:

we learn jalen gets left on read in the group chat all the time

donte, sighing: "i know [jalen]'s not just texting or calling me for whatever he's texting or calling me about. there's gonna be way more to it. if i only have five minutes, i know it's not gonna be five minutes"

jalen, wounded, pointing at josh: "he'll answer, for sure"

josh always offers to pay for dinner; donte never does (donte's mostly too much of a homebody to come to dinner in the first place)

donte doing his own "guys! coach is right! if we wanna win, it's on us!" impression

donte and josh roasting jalen's music taste (jalen, protesting: "i have never played high school musical in the locker room.")

donte and josh roasting jalen for doing sock-shoe sock-shoe

later that day: jalen tweets out a photo of josh with one sock and shoe on and one bare foot. (for free?)

also, full slam story, mostly about the reporter being shocked that these guys are actual friends and not work friends

april 11, 2024: josh says jalen can't play defense; jalen says josh "is not playing basketball, he's just running around"

april 19, 2024: "One Potential Key to Knicks' Season: Friendship" -the new york times

april 23, 2024: josh noisily pouring candy out of a box and trying to catch jalen's eye. jalen manages to stay serious for the very first time

may 3, 2024: knicks win playoffs round 1 against sixers, jalen and josh point out their villanova championship banner hanging in the sixers arena (where they won in '16)

josh hurling candy at a reporter. jalen, trying and failing not to completely crack up: "you just threw a mike and ike at him, bro." donte: "i can't stand these dudes." josh: "we love each other 😊"

may 11, 2024: espn article on the jb vs. hali rivalry (hali was selected for the olympics team in april; jalen was not)

The two have become friends since landing on Team USA last year, with Haliburton, who played at Iowa State, joking that while competing on the national squad with former Villanova teammates Brunson, Josh Hart and Mikal Bridges, he was a "substitute Donte" -- referring to DiVincenzo, the Villanova product who wasn't on the team. When Haliburton and the Pacers clinched the playoffs last month, the first call he received was congratulations from Brunson.

may 19, 2024: jalen breaks his hand, josh injures his abdomen, hali and the pacers eliminate the knicks from the playoffs. (worth noting that jalen emphatically denies that the injuries were what caused the loss.) jalen and josh head out to thank fans at msg

may 27, 2024: celtics sweep pacers in the eastern conference finals. jalen and josh call hali together the next morning to give him shit about it

may 28, 2024: CANON EVENT II: THE NINE-MINUTE-LONG HOMOEROTIC LEXUS INFOMERCIAL. (sorry i tried to find a non-twitter link but idt there is one; if anyone can dig one up, let me know). where to fucking begin with these highlights.

they are presented with hand-painted portraits of 1) jalen at villanova finding out that josh is coming to the knicks and 2) josh eating wings while staring directly into jalen's eyes. "i wish i didn't have that reaction because it shows the authentic relationship we have" -jalen, on his portrait.

jalen says he will put the portrait "on my wife's side." "you want her to see your reaction to us spending more time together?" josh asks. "think about it," says jalen, "because if she sees that, she knows that we have to see each other every day in order for me to be happy."

"jalen always wants to hang out. i feel like my wife minds it a little bit more than i do," says josh. "we never, like, double-date," says jalen. "sometimes they feel like they're on a double date," says josh.

a little new york-italian uncle arrives to give them marriage counseling. "i hear he does all the hard work," he says of josh. "he does," says jalen. "i hear he makes you look good," says the uncle. "he does," says jalen glowingly. the uncle calls jalen "the delicate one"

josh starts barking?? to make jalen smile. it works

jalen, to josh: "do you ever get tired of hearing yourself talk?" the uncle: "i have friends like that. they're my best friends" jalen, as josh sings "you're my best friend" into his ear: "i wouldn't call him my best friend. he's a coworker."

a younger and even smaller new york-italian baker gives them aprons with their names printed on them. they immediately put on each other's aprons

Compliment Contest. jalen: "i really like your watch collection." josh, sadly: "i want you to compliment me." he puts his hand on jalen's thigh and tells him he's an amazing person

josh tells jalen "i love the sacrifice you make carrying all of our load in games." "this can be a normal conversation if you let it be normal" -jalen

they get into a fancy car and jalen suggests they play the Quiet Game. he then grabs a massage gun and starts massage-gunning josh's face

may 31, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: josh says lebron can play whatever position he wants to play. jalen does an extremely vivid imitation of slurping on a dick

jalen says josh would be a great basketball analyst and that he really understands the game, which josh vehemently denies

june 5, 2024: a fan posts a photo of josh seemingly sticking a thumb up his own ass and tells jalen to ask josh why. jalen tags josh. "Bro I was grabbing my hamstring" says josh. this is not the last excuse for ass-touching he will make on twitter dot com

june 9, 2024: josh hops on espn to help cover the celtics-mavs nba finals. "Quit your day job. You have found your calling" jalen tells him on twitter

later on insta, mikal bridges (still on the nets) comments on josh's photo of himself on espn, "Come to the Nets ?" josh replies, "are you ok? If they have you hostage just blink and we’ll save you"

june 19, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: josh and jalen cooking tacos together

june 25, 2024: MIKAL TRADED TO THE KNICKS!! the incredibly brief and incredibly beautiful Nova Foursome era!!! josh posts photo showing off his big smile and stressful phone charging habits

bam adebayo on twitter accuses jalen and josh of tampering to get mikal. "Chilllll", replies jalen. in bam's defense this is the first time the nets have traded with the knicks since, literally, 1983

june 28, 2024: jalen and hali (both massive wrestling fans) get to confront one another in wwe smackdown at msg; hali plays the heel with logan paul, jalen comes in with a steel chair

july 6, 2024: "CC be throwing that thang," says josh on twitter. "Josh what," says jalen. we never get an explanation for this

july 11, 2024: josh trying to persuade jalen to come out to karaoke, briefly serenading him

jalen arguing with shannon hart about whether he's gotten enough time with josh recently. "i'm just trying to go see my mans," he tells her. his wife is eight months pregnant at this point btw

july 12, 2024: jalen signs a "largely unprecedented" early extension with the knicks, meaning he secures his future in case of injury, but also leaves $113 million on the table to help the team's financial flexibility (after explicitly denying to josh earlier in the year that he would do this). "Build him a statue 🥲" says josh on twitter

july 25, 2024: jalen throws out the first pitch at the yankees-mets game. "My boy throwing that thang," says josh

july 31, 2024: ali gives birth to daughter jordyn brunson!!

august 3, 2024: josh, reminded that he has never won the conference finals, says, "i wanted to do it with my friends. we're going to have a very good season with the power of friendship."

"The Knicks have tried everything else over the past two decades, so friendship is at least a way to shake things up a bit," says sports illustrated dryly. little do they fucking know <3

august 6, 2024: jalen brunson is named the first captain of the new york knicks since 2019. best way to sum this event up is probably podcaster jonathan macri's take on it, which is that "captain" should be a functionally meaningless position on an nba team, but it feels meaningful when it's jalen, and puts him in a lineage with patrick ewing and willis reed. josh posts a picture of himself saluting

august 8, 2024: jalen at his captain ceremony: "all i'm really worried about is making sure i can keep josh tame. everyone else is perfect, they're great, but that man is... special."

august 9, 2024: all the knicks congratulate jalen on being named captain

august 13, 2024: manchester city presents jalen with a jersey and calls him "mr. new york". known chelsea fan josh responds "🤮🤮🤮"

august 15, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: "CAPTAIN! JALEN BWUNSON, BORN TO PWAY BASKETBAWW!"

jb shows video of josh telling him to "suck ——" and demands josh give him a "heartfelt congratulations"

josh goes through jalen's linkedin ("okay, jalen brunson he/him, i see you!") and swears that last year he saw jalen updating his occupation to "king of new york"

august 28, 2024: tennis player frances tiafoe works out in a jalen brunson jersey at the us open. this has nothing to do with josh but i love foe so i'm putting it in here

september 20, 2024: jalen and josh on seth meyers! seth asks josh to make fun of jalen and jalen immediately starts smiling

september 26, 2024: ROOMMATES POD: live episode! jon stewart is there! jalen and josh start sniping at one another; jon stewart climbs into matt hillman's lap and says, "why are mommy and daddy fighting?"

JALEN: Hold on. Who's— MATT: Yeah, who's Mommy and who's Daddy? JON STEWART: Oh, you know.

this Top Yaoi Moment Of All Time is also, regrettably, Top 10 Moments Before Disaster.

september 27, 2024: it's unofficially reported (made official on october 2, 2024) that donte divincenzo and julius randle are traded to the minnesota timberwolves in exchange for karl-anthony towns, killing the Nova Foursome Era before it can begin

we later find out about the unbelievably romantic things kat said to jalen when he came to the knicks but for now everyone's hearts have been ripped out

september 30, 2024: jalen is asked if he's said hi to kat yet but the trade isn't official so he says "who's karl?" josh says, "we got kat? oh. wow. that's crazy."

october 1, 2024: jalen and josh play who's most likely to. josh calls jalen unethical. jalen calls josh out for swearing into reggie miller's mic over playoffs

october 9, 2024: jalen steals a t-shirt from josh's one-year-old son. josh threatens him on twitter

october 10, 2024: TRAGIC IRONY: jalen, josh, mikal, and donte doing a friendship quiz for gq (filmed before the trade) and an article on the foursome which they are forced to headline The Greatest Knicks Team That Never Was.

gq also takes this photo of josh and jalen. "This is why we can't take him anywhere" says jalen on twitter, ignoring his own coat and sunglasses

october 13, 2024: first knicks-wolves game of the preseason and donte promptly gets into a fight with jalen's dad. jalen, on roommates pod: "families fight." josh:

Whenever you get traded – as a seasoned [person who has been traded] – you try not to take things personally, because it’s a business. But there’s a human side to it... And then when you play that team – whether it’s the preseason or whatever – you go at that team. It’s always personal for you. For me, the times I got traded, I’m sitting there like, ‘I hope everything burns down.’ I’m sitting there watching and hoping everyone loses. But that’s the human side, the human nature to the business. But at the end of the day, it’s always love because you’ve grown relationships and went through adversity with those people.

october 15, 2024: jalen stealing josh's snacks out of a paper cup

october 16, 2024: josh: "JB definitely was my Robin [to my Batman] in college. Now he's Batman, and I'm, like... I'm the police chief. I'm not even Robin, I'm the guy that kind of helps here and there. But it's cool to see him blossom into the player he is, the player that can lead a team. But I'm always going to remind him of those days he was Robin."