1. I have more space in my mind for hobbies, friendships, and experiences. I’m gardening, crocheting, crafting, doing movie nights with friends, restaurants, cafes, date nights, letting others cook for me, etc.
2. It’s nice to be allowed foods I love again, and not just “occasionally”. It’s nice not to count everything, it’s nice not to pvrge or take lax.
3. Despite eating around 14-1600kcal a day and not being allowed to exercise, I’ve only gained around 5lbs in the last 5 months of being in treatment (103lbs last week at collaborative weight review with treatment team), so I feel more confident that the fear foods aren’t going to magically make me fat. I think ~105 (BMI19.8) might actually be my new set point?
4. My skin is healthier/clearer, my hair is thicker and shinier, my labs from two weeks ago came back excellent. When I got a cold, I was only mildly sick for like 2.5 days, which is not usually how my body would react.
1. I miss all of it. It doesn’t make sense, but I miss the behaviors. I miss the counting, the weighing, setting a goal and the excitement of getting close to that goal and finally achieving it. I miss the secret. None of the healthy hobbies and healthy goals are nearly as thrilling. I miss feeling that I’m good at restricting and exercising.
2. Although I eat foods that weren’t allowed before just fine, I still feel terrified that I’m going to lose control around them. That I’ll slowly, incrementally, unaware, start eating more and more of it over time until one day I realize I’ve gone too far. One day of overeating will become most days will become every day.
3. I think the treatment program has gotten me as far as it will. I don’t relate to much of this treatment model, and feel a bit like I’m wasting my time. But if I discharge, my family and fiancé will worry I’m just giving up and choosing the ed.
4. I can’t shake off the idea that I can get away with keeping some food/exercise rules and still not have it be a “real” relapse. Also I’m still always lurking on th1n$po pages. So maybe they’re not entirely wrong in their concerns.
5. I’m tired. I just want to skip ahead to when all of this is behind me and my life can be completely normal again.
