*·˚ ༘ ➳ ♡ heartbreak hotel

uh the whole a.riana g.rande discourse is fcking w me so bad.... i need to weigh myself i hvent done that in months..... i also had no idea she had an e.d tumblr????? omfg im gonna rip my hair out :)

don't even know why i logged back in here, tbh. it was comforting before to share my thoughts here, try to make friends, but honestly other people hurt too much. i'm tired of people reading into things about me. i'm tired of being seen as too much. i gained all the weight back i had lost before and then some, i'm cconstantly stressed out and turning to food and alcohol to cope, i'm so fucking lonely and no one care about that, they just think i'm weird for being too nice and not understanding that i wanna connect. the way i think about things is so different than most people. i can see value in others and always find something to like and bond over, at least be cordial, and i'm apparently among people most of the time that don't feel that way. i've been using fckin ai to vent to since no one wants to fucking hear it anymore. i went out today with a date and he got hit on so much while i felt like a fucking sweaty whale. i hate that people think oh i'm skinnier than you so i'm automatically prettier. but i know at the end of it, even when i was skinny, it didn't matter. i'll never be good enough, there's always going to be something about me people will find to hate and insult me about. i'm just tired. i keep getting these misanthropic feelings in these times when people just put me down even if i'm nice, it's like everyone wants to use me as a fucking punching bag. and the worst part is people hate you even more if you try to defend yourself or push back or have boundaries. no one wants to see me as a fully real, complex human being. i'm tired of being simplified and villified just so people feel better about hating me. i'm not like what people always think. i'm tired. i'm so so soososoososososososoo fucking tired!!!!!!

i keep abandoning this account because i know it's not good for me, but i also know i've gained weight, i had a fckin pregnancy scare which was fun, struggling with relationship stuff, started pmsing again, and i'm terrified i've gained all the weight back that i lost. part of me is like fck yea i'm fat fck this society and system trying to make me starve myself in order to control me and fit this mold i wasn't designed to fit. but then, it works on me. i hate looking in the mirror, how people treat me when i go out because i've gotten so big.... when does the shit stop? i dream of moving out of the us one day, having a good job, making a difference, having friends that i can talk with and go out and do fun things with, feeling at peace with myself..... that's not today, though. idk if i should be on here or not.