You and I

It has been a while since I wrote anything here.

This is due to a few reasons: 1, I’ve been just busy, 2, I’ve been sort of procrastinating it, 3, I’ve made the conscious decision not to overthink everything and spend more time in the moment together, and more time expressing appreciation.

Now I do want to write more consistently on this journal about things that I appreciate about you and about our relationship, and about things I learn about you and about our relationship.

I have to use our chat to remind me of moments. I will try my best to remember all of them and write them here.

A list of favourite moments and things I appreciate about you and about us:

- all the moments of you asking me if you can call me

- when I asked you “should I go?” to let you rest; “go where lol” --- and your response as always is that you rest when we talk; you told me that you’re 6 ok out of 10 but talking to me makes you 10 out of 10 in the okayness scale

- when I played boardgames and you noticed how happy I looked in the picture of me winning; you told me I’m just as good as you are, but I praised you for being “master level”

- each time you make effort so we call and spend time together before your cousin arrives to visit

- when you send me audio updates

- when we talk dirty to each other at random times during the day

- all the times we have sex at night

- when you send me sunset videos

- when you told me about you fearing things happening to your parents, how you’re scared of losing them, and june; losing people in general; it does make me wonder if you’re scared of losing me (i try not to think about these things too much)

- when you told me that you need me to be alive in this realm

- when you told me that “your other love of your live woke you up today” (talking about june, since I couldn’t wake you up that day)

- when we video called while i walked the dogs and you tell me how pretty i am even though i just woke up

- every time you tell me that you love me; particularly memorable is that night where you almost blurted it out to me out of need, an almost desperation for no apparent reason: “I love you”; yesterday night when i talked about the cards again, after saying goodnight, after about a minute: “I love you”, you tell me; after talking about your past relationships and we had to hang up quickly because your cousin has arrived and you tell me that you love me (it feels like reassurance)

- when I told you that I’m your number one fan and you agreed and told me that you appreciate it

- when I sent you the photos with the corgis with my tits hard in a white shirt

- when you told me “let’s have a corgi and a samoyed babe”

- that day you didn’t see my reply and when you realized it was very late and your reaction to not getting a message from me is “wtf why didn’t she messaged me”

- when we video called while i was at the patio 

- when I got you really horny by taking off my shirt and revealing the white cami and my hard nipples, when I wet myself with water; and then I watched you orgasm as I touch myself for you; all of this happening in a public rest room

- when we had outdoor sex; i was at the balcony (I don’t want this to happen again with just me; you told me yourself that you felt bad because I was alone there and it was outside)

- when you honestly tell me that being with your cousin for a long time is tiring to you; and when you thank me when i reassure you that it’s okay that you feel like that and that you did really well

- when you told me that I always make you happy

- when you told me that you don’t get exhausted with me; and i tell you that it’s the same for me too; and you tell me that when we are together and living together, it’s likely that you would need actual space sometimes since we will spend more time together; and I assure you that I understand and I am the same

- “speepious”

- every update you send me 

- every time you make me feel your love

- every time we spend time together

- every time we talk about our future together

I haven’t journaled since Monday since I just want to  let my mind and my hear absorb things.

QUICKLY, I want to write a followup/reflection on my thoughts from Monday this week, we talked on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019:

I really want to talk about this again with you to make sure we are both okay:

- I want to make sure you are okay, ask if you have any unresolved feelings

- You said you are okay and you don’t have any unresolved issues, in text and during the call you. You told me that I do, that you are here for me too. You tell me you love on your text before we called

- I told you that you got upset, and you said you did, but only for a moment because of my tone when I told you not to say 10 minutes. You felt like what you’re doing is not enough and that you have to do more, that you didn’t feel appreciated (you said that it’s not like you think what you are doing is enough, but that’s what it felt like at that time; you acknowledged that how you felt and thought is not necessarily true) - I was crying at this point

- You said that after I explained myself and we did the video call, you felt better and you’re not upset anymore

- I want to tell you that the reason I was feeling upset is because I tend to often take time literally; I want to emphasize that I find this both a strength and a weakness and that I’m working on it

- I get anxious when the agreed time is not met, and especially when a longer amount of time has passed

- But I also appreciate it when people tell me how much more time I have to wait since it’s better than letting the anxiety guess

- I want to tell you that I’m not upset anymore and that you didn’t disappoint me; I was more upset that I got upset over it (since I am working on being more relaxed about time)

- The secondary reason why I got upset is because I thought you already knew how I am with time and felt like you forgot or just said what you said for the sake of saying it.

BUT NOW I know now that that’s not the case, it was simply because you lost track of time.

- I want to understand you, how would you have reacted if you were in my place?

- I think I could’ve avoided what happened if I had just told you that I wanted to sleep earlier instead of waiting. At that time I really wanted a chance to talk a little bit because I forgot that it was a holiday and I thought you were starting the teaching tomorrow and I wanted to like cheer you about it.

- I’m feeling really vulnerable right now and I think this is where the anxiety is coming from. I feel like you’ve already seen the ugly sides of me. Every day I strive to be better. Can you accept me as I am? 

- “I do”, is your answer to me

- I really thought about how to express how I feel. Babe, I love you, in all the ways I know how. If you feel like you’ve hurt me without meaning to, I forgive you, because I believe in you and I trust that you wouldn’t do something to deliberately hurt me. And what you think and feel about this, and anything else really, is important for me. And I love to hear from you, to understand you better, what makes you upset, what makes you feel better.

Tuesday, July 9th, 2019 ALSO:

- You sent me a video of the sunset, I appreciate this so much since you were sick and went out of your way to show it to me

- We finished watching Stranger Things while you were making the bagels  I really appreciate this

- We both cried at the end of the episode I really appreciate this, I could hear you crying

- I said sorry to you for my tone that cause you to feel unappreciated. And I reaffirm that I appreciate you

- You told me that I have nothing to be sorry for, that these things sometimes happens and are part of being in a relationship

- We sleep together and wake up in the morning

Wednesday, July 10th, 2019:

- I woke up earlier and called you to wake you up 

- I sent you a photo of the kadyos since you asked me to ask my mom what it’s called; then we started talking about feijoada 

- I sent you a photo of me from 9 years ago and you also shared photos with me; my favourite photo is with you and your family; you kept telling me how I look so similar I really appreciate this moment

- You’re sick and we didn’t get to call because you have to sleep early, but I felt okay with it, I didn’t feel the crying need to ask for a call, because I understand and you understand too

- I told you that doctor told me to sleep more, “u don’t sleep enough my love”

- You told me you feel pretty good and confident about the teaching, but there is still a little bit of anxiety which you think is normal (because almost every social interaction gives you a little bit of anxiety)

Thursday, July 11th, 2019

- I sent you a good morning text at 9 AM est, and you replied with a “good morning my love”

- You just got to the office and forgot to tell me that you can get in late on the days when you will be teaching

- You said the teaching went pretty good and you are very happy because you heard bad stories about kids being rude/unmotivated 

- I went to the botanical gardens and you said you want to see the photos

- You send me a 7.5 minute video about the stuff you bought bulk last week. You remembered to show me and I really appreciate that you took the time to share it with me. 

- We started calling early because my keyboard was stuck in Korean and we were doing audios

- You were making the multigrain bread and the Australian buns

- You’re doing a lot of silly voices and accents and just general dumb things and at one point your dad walked in and we laughed because you forgot to change your voice

- You kept saying “stop teasing me”, and I told you it’s just an invitation for me to tease you more NOTE TO SELF: tease you more, since I know you really like it when I tease you

- On the topic of weed: you said that it’s really not a priority for you to try it, and since I told you that smoking weed is a deal breaker for me, you told me that now you have a reason not to get high on weed I really appreciate this, it’s a small thing but it is heavy in meaning

- You told me “You can’t live without me” - It made me uncomfortable but I didn’t address it directly. I wonder if you were just waiting for a chance to tell me that you can’t live without me

- You told me about the retirement program changing in Brazil; you’re sad for your dad; you said that you’re not really counting on it; 1, because if we get married, it won’t matter since you will be moving here (i’m trying not to focus on the if); 2, before we even started talking, you were planning on investments, etc.

- At some point I teased you about forgetting a lot of things, and told you that I’m glad you told me that you are forgetful; you said that you may forget a lot of things, but you remember the important things: “I remember that you like me, and I like you”; I think my response to this was “okay”.

- I asked you what you fear, not things: you fear that something would happen to your parents, you fear that something would happen to June because you really love her; in general you fear losing someone; you fear that you can’t eat pizza (maybe you realized you were being vulnerable? i’m not sure but I really appreciate you sharing this honestly with me)

- I fell asleep while you took a shower; when you came back on the phone I heard you calling for me “Babe”, really gently, and said sorry for waking me up

- You were trying to get me more horny since I told you that I’m feeling horny, but I told you we should sleep 

- We sleep together “Goodnight my love”, I really love when you refer to me as your love

Friday, July 12th, 2019:

- The call got disconnected because my wifi and data got disconnected

- I call you to wake you up 

- Quickly I ask you if everything is okay, and you said to me everything is okay, why? I answer you, just a feeling (because I felt like you were not being as affectionate - I SHOULD HAVE WATCHED THE VIDEO BEFORE I SAID THIS BUT THAT’S OKAY, I’m thankful I didn’t press it; I’m also thankful that I felt comfortable to ask you this

- You said you’re feeling better from your cold

- You tell me you love me before we hang up

- We set our alarm for 7 AM est, and you asked for 20 minutes more because you were still feeling sleepy

- I get up first and wake you up

- I asked you if you need time to recharge, and you said no, and that you will tell me whenever you do; I explained to you that I thought about this since my vision of your need for recharge time can be skewed because I have the luxury of having a lot of time to myself right now

- We didn’t talk the whole day and I forgot that that tomorrow is a holiday there

- I sent you a message around 9 PM est asking if you’re awake and you replied telling me that you forgot to tell me that your cousin came to visit tonight 

- At 9:35 PM est you told me that you would call me in 10 minutes - the call did not come in until 10:21 PM est (the call was around 20 minutes

- You could tell right away that I was not okay; you sounded upset and I asked you if you were upset - I told you that I would love it if you don’t say 10 minutes if it’s not going to be 10 minutes

- You said you were a upset but not at me, you’re just mad that you made me upset

- I clarified that I’m not mad

- You said sorry and clarified that you won’t say it again; you won’t say 10 minutes again unless you know for sure it would only be that

- I told you “you know how I am with time” - “I know”, you said; I told you that I know it’s such a small thing and that I know that sometimes you forget things, but I still felt like that (you emphasize that you didn’t forget, just lost track of time)

- I told you that I was going to sleep (I tried to explain that that’s why I was upset because I waited for 10 minutes- and you said that’s okay, I can just go to sleep because you have to go to); and then I told you no, I just want to talk to you for a little bit, and you said to me that you want to talk to me for just a little bit too

- I asked you about your day - you worked, went to the bank but bank was closed, your cousin asked to visit (he is off today but will work tomorrow and will leave in the morning)

- I told you that I went to a Criminal Law class today (today was a class about the jury system)

- You asked me how the heat was - I said bearable; and you told me that it was really cold there today

- I told you that I’m thinking of going back to work soon; maybe this Wednesday or Thursday; you said that if it was you, you would go back on a Monday since everyone is also catching up and there will be less social anxiety for you; I told you that I could go back to work anytime I want 

- You told me about the Tabletop simulator that you discovered; it can simulate boardgames; and that’s why you took a while, since boardgames can take a while

- You told me you’re playing a cooperative game, you thought you would lose, but you won

- I told you that this is a cooperative game too, us. You agree with me

- I ask if you’re okay, and you’re okay you said, just feeling sick

- I told you that I feel anxious about it, that I don’t want to fight you

- You reassure me that you are okay and ask me if I’m okay - I tell you that I’m okay (I really am)

- I said sorry to you for saying that I’m okay when it’s obvious that I wasn’t earlier; it was like automatic and I would’ve told you anyway

- I ask for a video call (whyyy, you said), and I told you I have spots on my face due to period breakout; I asked you if you’d mind and you said no you don’t mind

- You’re wearing glasses because you’re playing on the computer you said

- You showed me June; and kept spanking her; you told me your mom doesn’t like it because she thinks it hurts her

- We talk about Stranger Things and how we’re going to finish it soon (we were both shocked that we already finished 5 episodes)

- You showed me the lights in your bedroom (one of them flickered, spooky)

- I tell you we have to go; we say our Goodnights; you said Love you to me first and I say it back

- Was about to hang up and you showed me June again

I really appreciate that this happened; that I felt safe to express my upset; you got upset because you upset me and I was able to tell you that I’m not upset anymore and we are both okay before hanging up

I really want to talk about this again with you to make sure we are both okay:

- I want to make sure you are okay, ask if you have any unresolved feelings

- I want to tell you that the reason I was feeling upset is because I tend to often take time literally; I want to emphasize that I find this both a strength and a weakness and that I’m working on it

- I get anxious when the agreed time is not met, and especially when a longer amount of time has passed

- But I also appreciate it when people tell me how much more time I have to wait since it’s better than letting the anxiety guess

- I want to tell you that I’m not upset anymore and that you didn’t disappoint me; I was more upset that I got upset over it (since I am working on being more relaxed about time)

- The secondary reason why I got upset is because I thought you already knew how I am with time and felt like you forgot or just said what you said for the sake of saying it.

BUT NOW I know now that that’s not the case, it was simply because you lost track of time.

- I want to understand you, how would you have reacted if you were in my place?

- I think I could’ve avoided what happened if I had just told you that I wanted to sleep earlier instead of waiting. At that time I really wanted a chance to talk a little bit because I forgot that it was a holiday and I thought you were starting the teaching tomorrow and I wanted to like cheer you about it.

- I’m feeling really vulnerable right now and I think this is where the anxiety is coming from. I feel like you’ve already seen the ugly sides of me. Every day I strive to be better. Can you accept me as I am?

- I really thought about how to express how I feel. Babe, I love you, in all the ways I know how. If you feel like you’ve hurt me without meaning to, I forgive you, because I believe in you and I trust that you wouldn’t do something to deliberately hurt me. And what you think and feel about this, and anything else really, is important for me. And I love to hear from you, to understand you better, what makes you upset, what makes you feel better.

-

- I wake up to you calling me; “Babe”

- you told me you had to go and did not want to go without properly letting me know

- it extended the conversation more; because you told me that you had been awake and that you woke me up earlier but I asked to sleep more; I told you that I’m sure that you said “let’s sleep more” WE BOTH MISUNDERSTOOD. I thought you were saying “let’s sleep more”, and you thought you were asking me if I want to sleep more; you said I was sounding so sleepy so you didn’t force me to wake up

- I made you promise to force me to wake up if I’ve had at least 6 hours of sleep 

- (I think I got triggered by all the gaslighting talk)

- We completely go off tangent; and you got sad because I told you that you should not have called me crazy; you got sad because you hurt me; i emphasized that you didn’t really hurt me and that i’m sorry that what i said made you sad

- It felt like an argument, but over such a silly thing

- I sent you an audio later on to say thank you for waking me up and for being considerate as to not just hang up without properly talking to each other

- You reply to me later, thanking me too, with a blue heart emoji

- I shared with you a photo of the blueberry maziran tart

- You just remembered that you bought cream cheese and didn’t make the cheesecake yet

- “I have to wash the dishes babe then if u are free we can watch stranger things”

- Around an hour an a half later you haven’t replied yet and I messaged you to watch it and wondering if you fell asleep

- It took us another half an hour or so to call; I was ready to just sleep because I started to feel sleepy 

- You explained to me why it took so long to wash the dishes; you mom was sick and couldn’t wash dishes; she’s usually in charge of the bigger dishes; you dad doesn’t wash as he uses; dishes had not been washed since yesterday it seems

- You told me you couldn’t go visit your brother because your mom was really sick and she had to go to the doctor; I shared with you that my mom was sick too (we shared that it’s funny that they were both not feeling well; I asked you if you are worried, and you shared that you are kinda worried

- I told you how I learned about UV index, and it reminded you of your Argentina trip

- We shared about the chores we don’t particularly like doing - bathroom (we both don’t like this and you suggested that we can do it together, and then we can do “you know”); you said you don’t mind washing dishes most of the time, especially when it’s time for you to listen to something; you also shared that you don’t like cleaning carpets and sanding+varnishing I really appreciate being able to talk about household things like this

- I told you that my cousin is going to the RCMP

- We watch 2 episodes of Stranger Things; you are considerate of me and even though you wanted to watch more than 1, you suggested we sleep, but I insisted we watch another one if you are not tired because I really want to watch more I really appreciate this, all of this, watching the show together, laughing together, and you being mindful 

- I told you randomly during the show that I have a bad habit of wanting to be always right; you told me that you know, and that it’s okay; I asked how you know, and you said that you just know

- We wake up together at 6 AM est; you ask for 20 min +10 min more of sleep

- We talk for about 20 min before getting up and hanging up

- You told me you dreamt about trying to take photos of cartoon looking storms

- We talk dirty again; you tell me I’m your slut and how much you want to fuck me; you tell me how yesterday we couldn’t control because I kept sucking even while hearing you mom awake in the background

- I joke to you about going through a checklist each time we say good bye; and you joked back by telling me not to interrupt while you’re reading your checklist I really appreciate this it’s cute

- When talking about transexuality; you referred to me as “the girl you like”

- Introspection here: I really wonder sometimes if you truly understand what it means when you tell me you love. Is “I love you” just something that feels good to say and to hear? What does it mean for you to love me?

- You tell me you love me twice (I love you; and a quick love you right before we hang up)

- I went out with my friend this day; I sent you food pictures; you said you’ll “comment” on them during our call; you said you’re jealous of the food 

- You update me as the game was almost ending and that you’ll be going home soon

- 8:51 PM you got home and told me you’ll brb after a quick shower

- You ask to call around 9:08 PM; we watch episode 2 and 3 and Stranger Things; we laugh a lot and we do a lot of guessing about the show; we looove the music I really appreciate that we can spend time together doing this; I hope that this starts a new thing that we do 

- I told you I took my mom to the hospital because of her cold

- You told me you’ll probably visit your brother the next day, if not you will spend some “me time”

- We talk a little bit, I don’t recall too much all the topics; but you shared with me that you had a nightmare about having to bake coxinhas knowing ahead they won’t taste good and with someone telling you it’s made of human flesh, you didn’t react in the dream as you would in real life; I told you again about my nightmare and that I feel better after you sharing about your nightmare

- We say our goodnights and our I love yous

- We slept together; the call got disconnected at some point and I had to call you to wake you up at 6 AM (your time)

- In the morning you asked me if we said goodnight since you don’t remember NOTE THIS: we shouldn’t get to a point where you’re so sleepy you don’t remember anything (I try my best not to think about it, but when you tell me you love me before we sleep, is it reflex? Because you definitely tell me you love me at other times too)

- You text me when you got to work, but it came a little late again. It’s a small thing, but it seems like you often forget ----- I will ask you why you forget in the morning just so I can understand better

- You text me when you’re going home at around 8:30 PM est; I reply as you are close to getting home and you already woke up from your nap; Arturo Alvim is the name of the station and you had to go and catch your bus (20-30 minutes later you are walking home); during this we were talking about the ZOdiac killer and the guy in the 80s who was a “program worker” and killed his clients; you also told me you are actually glad to go to the office more next week (TUE, THURS to do the teaching because it’s been fun)

- You took a shower after you got home and then called. You said sorry for calling without asking if I’m ready

- We talked about: how it’s so hot here but no AC because my mom has a cold; your haul at the market street (brazil nuts, hazelnuts, almonds, peanuts, quinoa, ww flour = 50 reais roughly)

- You said sorry because you consider yourself a person who forgets easily, you are referring in particular to what happened in the morning when you get to work and forget to text me; you said you don’t feel particularly bad about it; but you explained to me that you tend to procrastinate little things like texting me; you emphasized that your brain doesn’t register it yet and it takes you a while; you also emphasized that you’re usually occupied by thinking about things AND that you can even be thinking about me but will still forget to text when you get to work I really appreciate this since I was already planning on asking you, but I appreciate you explaining to me and making me feel safe by saying that even though you are thinking of me, you will procrastinate little things

- You tell me that you don’t feel like you have to, but that you need and want to tell me because you know I care about you and you care about me, and that you care that I care and want to respect that

- You also said sorry because you forgot about how we said we would make pastel together; you explained that you had pizza and coxinha this week and that we should reserve it for next week so to be healthier I really appreciate this, you apologizing after realizing it

- I assured you that this is okay, and I would rather support you to eat healthier, and we can always cook other things; I also reminded you that we actually cooked together without even planning (the chocolate cake)

- I told you that I actually forgot about the pastel (this is true); and I told you that I wanted to explain to you because I want to give you an insight to how my brain works; I explained to you that my brain probably forgot it because it learned to not expect so much? In referencing that we said we would make croissants together but it hasn’t happened yet

- You felt bad and said sorry because you feel like you disappointed me

- I try to explain to you that I’m not truly disappointed, but that when I really want/need something I will always talk about it

- I told you that I understand that sometimes you’re tired and that it’s okay to make adjustments to plans

- I asked you if you’re more the spontaneous type or the planner - you told me it doesn’t matter to you - I try to explain to you that there are people who value when you plan things because it shows that you schedule time for them 

- I asked you if there’s anything else you want to say to me (you said not really, because it takes you a while to process things, and that you don’t exactly know how you feel usually)

- I told you that I actually posted our photos together on my journal on Instagram but that no one knows about it but me, no one will see it but me and no one will understand it but me (because I post it for me); and you that it’s cute/sweet? And we both agreed that soon we will actually have our actual photos together there

- You told me to wait for you to watch Stranger Things together

- You told me you have boardgames the next day but that you will go home earlier so that we can spend more time together; I will try not to expect but I really appreciate you thinking about this. But I also think that you just so happened to start board games earlier. I won’t think much of it, but I still appreciate it.

- We have sex; I start by just masturbating and cumming, and you said so many times how you can’t because your mom is awake and we could hear her coughing in the background; and yet after I came you started to get off thinking about me sucking your cock; the sounds I make while sucking really get you off; you had to be quiet because it’s really silent and it isn’t raining

- You explained to me that the other day you wiped your cum on the sheets and put them in the wash the next day; but this day you needed to clean up

- We say goodnights and when you said “Goodnight, my love” I told you it’s really cute and you said that I started it, but then I told you that it’s actually you who started it (I feel like I started saying love, and you started saying  my love)

- I tell you I love you and you tell me you love me

Yesterday, Wednesday, July 3rd, 2019:

- You sent me a good morning text; “Hope you have a nice day today my sweet love” 

- You sent me a photo of the coxinha, you’re happy you didn’t forget to take a picture; you explained how it’s a fitness recipe and that it’s better to stick with regular coxinha I am really glad you remembered to show me

- Shared with you the video of the dress

- 9:35 PM, you asked to call me

- we talked about how we miss each other, how in the early days we had zero control and wanted to have sex whenever we can find time together; we couldn’t do it yesterday because you said your mom was sick and she is kept awake because of her cold (you said you’ll likely catch it too)

- I asked you how you response when you’re in stress (initial reaction, middle reaction, end/adaptive reaction): (1) you said that you don’t lash out, you don’t get violent but that it will be very obvious that you are mad- you gave me examples of what stresses you out (when you get overwhelmed, when you’re focusing on something that is possibly frustrating (like work) and there’s something else competing for your energy that’s not as urgent (like your mom asking you to do something that’s not urgent); (2) middle reaction is try to distance yourself (like when your cousin was showing you things while you’re working) (3) you will apologize if you’ve said/done something that would hurt

- you told me it’s a difficult question and you apologize ahead for the times that you will be stressed; and that you will communicate with me when so I know I really appreciate that you think about things like this, looking at the future

- I asked you if you can remember a time when you feel like I understood you with you without you prompting; you mentioned how the other day I asked you how you’re doing because of all the socialization; and you like that I understand you without you even saying anything, we didn’t even talk the whole day I really appreciate that you remember this

- we talked A LOT about Stranger Things; you said that the things you like about the show the most is: character interactions, how real the characters are, and the music (your fav is Kids - the biking song in the first episode)

- you told me you have a doctor’s appointment the next morning and we set an alarm for 6 AM your time; it will be to talk about your test results; you told me you’re a little worried about the cholesterol

- You said you’re thinking about getting an exercise bike

- we say our Goodnights, “Goodnight, my love” you tell me, You tell me you love me and I feel it, I tell you I love you.

- We sleep together and wake up in the morning

This morning you text me around 8 AM EST to update me about your doctor’s appointment; you told me your cholesterol and triglycerides are a little elevated (you got this right); you told me you just need to eat less bad fats (more nuts) and less bad carbs 

I tell you I’m proud of you.

You also told me you made an eye appointment and that they’ll call you to tell you when I really appreciate this, I appreciate when you keep me updated about these things

Thursday, July 4th, 2019

- I tell you how how it is (car display)

- Around 8:08 PM we start texting, you told me it has rained there all day and you really love it

- “Babeeee let’s watch stranger thiiiiings”

- Before watching Stranger Things together, you made a chocolate mug cake, and used the brigadeiro u made the other day, with some peanuts

- It took us so long to make it and it took you so long to look for a recipe

- I also made chocolate cake in the pan without a recipe, you are amazed that I was able to do that so quickly

- We watch episode 1 of Stranger Things together; we laugh a lot; we talk a lot about the scenes and make jokes about them; I find Billy really gross and you laugh at how I react to it I really love and appreciate this; not only did we spontaneously made food at the same time, but we also watched a show together; it’s been a long time since we did this and I would really love if we can do more activities like these together

- We have sex before we sleep; you told me it was raining so the sounds of the rain will mask the sounds you will make as you cum

- You came twice; “You need to cum” you tell me; you talk a lot about wanting to fuck my ass

- You tell me “Goodnight, my love” and you tell me you love me

- We slept together; the call got disconnected at some point and I had to call you to wake you up at 6 AM (your time)

- You sent me a good morning text

- I replied to you in the morning and you replied later in the afternoon telling me that your cousin is still there and he is likely sleeping over, but that it doesn’t matter because you will call me anyway (an hour or so you said); I told you that I am almost done season 1 of Stranger Things and you are so happy about it and told me that you will wait for me to watch Season 3

- You call me (I was talking to Jez and told you to hold on 5 minutes); you asked me if she gets jealous, and I told you no because I pay attention to the people in my life at appropriate times

- I asked you how you are with all of this since you had been having social interaction since Saturday (4 days now); you told me that you actually were feeling stressed and you were wondering why, and when you read my message you felt like you realized and understood why I really appreciate this since it shows me (and also you, hopefully) that I am receptive of your needs and understands how you are as a person

- I asked you if it’s better that we don’t talk so you can have some alone time; and you said no because you want to talk to me; you reinforced that we wouldn’t be together if I drained your energy

- THIS IS IMPORTANT, it shows your motivation: You told me that when your cousin told you he wouldn’t be going to work, you felt bad because you thought about how we wouldn’t get to talk; I asked you why you felt bad, you said it’s because you want to talk to me; you’re happy that we always find a way to be connected

- I suggested to you that we shouldn’t do the pastels tomorrow so you can have alone time, and you said you were going to say that we should still do them, but you realized that I am right 

- I also asked you if you want to sleep together tomorrow or not; and that i will understand if you don’t want to

- You were making coxinhas while we are on the call; you told me that you didn’t have to tell your cousin that we would talk, you just told him you will cook and he can play games if he wants to; you told me you will send me photos of the coxinhas

- you told me you made churros yesterday and that you didn’t take photos because it didn’t look good - the dough separated in the oil - I suggested perhaps the dough was too wet, and you got so amazed that i know (I told you not to underestimate my cooking skills lol)

- I told you that I like sharing photos with you not because they’re pretty but because it’s sharing with each other; and i told you that it doesn’t matter for me what the photo looks like, I just like it when we share things (it makes me feel connected); you joked that you are being scolded and i told you that i’m not scolding you, i’m just telling you what I like TAKE NOTE: instead of telling someone “you don’t...” tell them “I really like it when...” to encourage them to do more of the positive behaviour, rather than pointing out the negative behaviour

- I asked you about 3 things that made you smile today; new shark video, guy on youtube who does difficult mario levels cooly and patiently, waking up early today and realizing that you can sleep a little more; you added a 4th one, which you say is “now, that we are talking”

- I told you that you really know what to say to make me feel kilig - you remember this word 

- I told you that I watched Spiderman today and wish that we could watch it together

- VOCABULARY: you tell me about farofa (cassava crumbs) and refogar (to sautée)

- TAKE NOTE OF THIS: you told me that if your plans get cancelled, you don’t feel too bad about it because you are usually understanding and you don’t mind doing “nothing” since you like doing that ----- you do feel bad if the person cancels after you have accommodated and they make lots of bad excuses

- I told you that I had a little cry but that it’s completely involuntary and it’s mostly because I have my period; THIS IS TRUE

- We thank each other, you tell me “I love you, babe”; “I love you too, you know that right?”

- I sent you a follow up text to tell you that there is no subtext when we were talking about our reactions to cancelling plans (because i said a cliche line about excuses vs ways)

- you replied a little later apologizing since you were peeling potatoes; you told me not to worry you didn’t think of any subtext and that you understand me; we say goodnight again;

I really appreciate that we can spend time together today, no matter how much, it’s a chance for us to feel connected and together.

- You send me a good morning text and having just woken up I really appreciate this, since you always remember to send me a message in the morning, no matter how early or late

- You might have started working later since since your cousin slept over, not sure, but I will ask you

- I sent you updates, show you the pork we were grilling

- It’s 6:10 PM and we haven’t had a proper conversation yet, and although I did feel a little anxiety purely because I miss you... I feel okay. I am very thankful that I feel more at peace with our relationship.

- I do hope we get to spend the night together today! And I hope that we can have some moments of you not being so sleepy we just go to sleep.

- I just remembered something that you told me the other night; you told me that you’re so random (also silly) when you are with me, and that you’re not usually like that. I told you I like it.

- Around 6:40 PM, you messaged me asking if you can call. You said you just stopped working because you started working late today (since your cousin slept over).

- You said you want to talk now because your cousin will be visiting and sleeping over today and he isn’t feeling good due to work stress.

- You told me you are sorry, sorry because we couldn’t sleep together, it’s only been just one day, but we miss each other; you’re sorry too because you don’t want me to think that you are enjoying it, but that sometimes there are things in life that we have to take care of, and this is one of them I really appreciate you being thoughtful about this; I appreciate the apology

- You said that you like it when we sleep together and you miss that, and you’re thinking that I probably miss it too, I told you that I do I really like that you have thought about this

- I told you that I of course miss you, but that I understand; I told you not to worry; This call today, this is still us spending time together

- You said we will sleep together tomorrow night; “I hope so!”, I said jokingly

- You suggested that we should make pastel together this Wednesday, that for sure we will do the croissants on Wednesday--- you referenced the croissants that we have been trying to make, and that we will still make that I really appreciate you making the suggestion

- I said it’s funny that since for now we can’t go on normal dates yet, we’ve found a way to do this; then you remembered Nichijou and all the other movies and shows we said we’re going to watch; you said that watching Amelie (which we both agreed was a long time ago) is really good and fun I really appreciate you acknowledging this; I nudged you gently and you respond really well and positively

- You went through the photos I sent you while on this call I really appreciate this and you are also sharing stories with me At some point you asked me how long the churros are, when I told you 7 inches, we laughed when I converted them to cm and you understood why I was telling you not to provoke me

- Your cousin arrived and we said our I love yous

- Today we woke up together, I woke you up since you didn’t have an alarm and we both decided I will us up, you asked for 20 minutes more of sleep

- we wake up and chat a bit; I asked you to always tell me if you have any concerns and you asked why i’m asking that (I told you it’s random because I just woke up and we just talked about me casually asking “You okay?” and you jokingly said “you could be, you could be not”), but we both agreed that we will always talk about these things

- I suggest that we should fully wake up and hang up so we could both start the day; you agreed and highlighted that we will talk later

- I really appreciate this: You told me “I love you” first and I really feel it. I appreciate it a lot because it feels like it’s been a while (about 1 week or so actually) since you initiated telling me that you love me

- I shot a video for you and decided I will send it this week but not immediately today

- I am so grateful because right now I don’t feel anxiety to be with you; I am at peace because you are in my heart and I know that I am in your heart

- I sent you an update midday to tell you that all the cats had been adopted

- You sent me a 5+ minutes audio talking about the cats, telling me how your brother had visited, and that your cousin will sleepover; you told me you miss you miss me and that you love me

- Although you told me that you would text me and call before sleeping, it got really late (i did wait but I wasn’t anxious and pinning too much), so I decided to send you an audio to tell you not to worry about me and just get rest.

I’m writing this at 9:37 PM EST.

You are at board games the whole day and I am very grateful for the peace that I feel.

We haven’t talked the whole day since we woke up together in the morning.

I sent you a copy of the letter I wrote to you from June 6th, 2019, you said you won’t be able to read it yet, and I understand (because you said you really want to read the physical letter, and you also have to get ready to go to boardgames).

It’s funny how I feel so peaceful, a gentle and strong happiness that has grown inside my heart. Happiness that is outside of you or other things, happiness that comes from knowing that I have been renewed, and that God loves me and is always here with me.

I’m not even feeling resentment or anxiety, but more of a sense of understanding of you, of openness, of thinking of goodness foremost.

I spent the morning with my parents and the afternoon with Leica and I am so, so grateful for this. I thought about you of course, but they are loving and peaceful thoughts (mostly). Even as I’m typing this, I’m feeling a little tired and consider just sleeping, but I would like to wait for you till you came home

A fear that I’ve been having is that you no longer love me or that you love me less than I love you.

- BUT LISTEN TO THIS: 

- If a person no longer loves me; it’s okay because there has existed a time when they love you and you shared that love; YOU love yourself, YOU have other loved ones who love you, GOD LOVES YOU and will never let you down

- If you say a person loves you less than you love them, how do you quantify love? If this is true, this does not remove the fact that they love you still

Summary:

- you texted me around 10 PM est to tell me you are going home and that you’ll be home in an hour, and that you’ll message me when you get home, and that you’ll sleep in the subway; you shared with me a photo of the board game and updated me on the game results; “Talk to you soon my love 💙”

- you texted me when you got home, showered, and then asked to call me

- we talked about your day, you’re so happy telling me how you won a 4 hour game and double the points of the second best player; i found this really sexy and told you i’m happy for you; you talk a lot during boardgames and scream a lot too

- you asked me to tell you about my day too I really appreciate this, because I would like to share with you because you are curious too. I told you about hanging out with my parents and eating at the carinderia and then meeting my cousin and walked a lot while she plays POGO

- i suggested again that we don’t do the croissants the next day so you can have time to yourself after being so tired from boardgames; you said awww and agreed that it’s better

- we talked about our plans for Sunday - you will study, your brother will probably visit; I told you I will go to cat shelter and then go to the market later

- You told me you read the card and you’re resisting reading the letter because you are confident the actual letter will arrive; you told me you will read it, i told you it’s okay and not to worry because it is yours now (I gave it to you)

- We couldn’t have sex because your mom was awake playing games; I told you I can’t anyway because i’m so sleepy; i told you I have my period and my period won’t stop us having sex

- We sleep together and you turn off your alarm, trusting me to wake you up in the morning; i told you that it’s okay if you don’t have your earphones, I will hang up and call you; you told me that I’m so smart I really appreciate this, you just trusting it on me to wake you up

Yesterday was the Hillsong Concert.

I’m writing this to remember. To remind myself.

To update, and to put on record, the past two weeks feel like a whirlwind almost. 

2019/06/17, Monday

- I texted you “I miss you no subtext”; “Miss you too my love (blue heart emoji)”.

- You had to do OT, really busy day at work

- Alien food

- You stopped working  really late and called me at 10:36 PM. I really appreciate this.

- We sleep together and wake up the next day together. I really appreciate this.

2019/06/18, Tuesday

- I had a Dr’s appointment on this day

- I got a haircut too, you want to see photos.

- You shared with me that you went to the groceries with your parents and that you bought butter and flour to make the croissant. I really appreciate this

- “Those days have been busy”, “I miss you a little bit”, “But that’s okay”, I love u 💙” I  really appreciate this.

- 9:49 PM your time, you asked if you could call me just 5 minutes, you just want to talk to me because you have a lot of work and still need to work. I really appreciate this.

- You message me at 12:28 AM (1:28 AM your time) asking if I’m still awake (I did tell you that I sleep late most days), I told you I was cleaning my closet, the you ask if you can call. I really appreciate this.

- We sleep together and wake up the next day together. I really appreciate this.

2019/06/19, Wednesday

- You message me at 9:49 AM your time asking me what you should do since your parents aren’t home. Then you send me audios of you being filthy. When I asked you what you want to do: “I wanna cum inside you”

- “my pussy exists to milk your cock” really gets you off.

- These audios. I really appreciate them.

- I sent you pizza photos

- TAKE NOTE: You send me an audio update, because you like. You said you started working so late because you were feeling kind of tired because you’re working till late and you did not have time to properly do things that you like to do- random things, even doing nothing, you needed time to get your mindset on it. To properly focus and you needed time to do nothing. 

- This audio update. I really appreciate them.

- Love ya

- “I didn’t do anything, but I played a little bit, the game about the planets (Outerwild?)”

- You told me you will call me later. You were feeling tired and you had to work till late, and you’re making the time so we can spend together. I really appreciate this.

- We watched that video about the kid doing fast food reviews. When you share random things you find, I really enjoy. I really appreciate this.

- We sleep together and wake up the next day. I really appreciate this.

2019/06/20, Thursday

- Today is a holiday in Brazil

- I told you Samy booked her tickets to visit here, you said you are happy for us two and asked me when she’s going

- You shared with me the channel you told me about, where the  guy makes things like how they’re done in the past. I really appreciate this.

- You updated me that your cousin is visiting and you will be playing games, so if you take a while to reply it’s because you’re playing

- I had to clarify if he’s sleeping over, you said you’re not sure, but he usually does. I remember feeling anxious about this because Samy was also telling me that she was going to a friends house to play games. And I really don’t like that I easily got jealous about it and got anxious about it.

- I told you I woke up from a nap and will be going swimming, my eyes were hurting and I asked to call. We call for a bit.

- I watched Aladdin this day.

- I sent a good night audio, really tired audio. I was feeling a little angry at this time and it got channeled into a tired audio. I really appreciate this.

- BECAUSE you were also sending me an audio about how sleepy you are. You thought it would be easier to do an audio “I hope you don’t get sad by it”. (The next day you told me that you think it’s funny that we are both sending the same kind of audio, “you’re half asleep just as i am”).

- Love ya

2019/06/21, Friday

- You send me an audio message, you woke up late 10 AM, “20 minutes ago”. I really appreciate this.

- You found it really funny that we sent the same sleepy audios, and you thank me for the audio 

- I love you

- I sent photo updates of me at the beach, I told you I made a new friend

- “Babe are you a magic carpet?”; “No, but you can ride me anytime u want anyways tho”

- DON’T DO THIS AGAIN: I called you asking you about call monitoring, and in the process I had to tell you about the guy. I should not have told you about this guy. You told me you didn’t want to say anything or make a big deal about it, even after knowing that the guy was flirting, because you didn’t want me to think that it’s because the person was a guy. You reassured me that you are not jealous and told me not to worry.

- TAKE NOTE: during the call you told me not to worry about sending you things when Samy visits because she will feel anxious. In this conversation I told you how I’m also dealing with mental health right now and I am working on it. You told me you would feel better if I will get help. I promised you I will go to therapy. I told you I’m taking time off from work because of it. This conversation made me so anxious. Before we hung up we laughed and said that the initial reason for the call was because I was asking urgently to call, it wasn’t important but we did talk about more important things. 

- I met Ate Mikki this day 

- I’m trying not to overthink these things but my I love you was replied with a “love ya too” This made me feel anxious, like I did something wrong.

- We talk a little bit after I returned from meeting ate Mikki

- I asked you if we could call before going to sleep “don’t miss me too much”; “I won’t not too  much, just enough ahhaha”

- You told me to hold on and then sent me the video of how you want to use me aka “your genie”.

- TAKE NOTE: “You’re mine to do whatever I want”; “I am”, “Of course”, “Just yours”; “Exactly (smiling face emoji)”

- “You told me you checked the video to make sure it doesn’t have things I don’t want. I really appreciate this.

2019/06/22, Saturday

- You sent me an audio and it made me anxious because you didn’t say babe This made me feel anxious and mad at you for no reason.

- I love ya

- You went to boardgames

- I went with my friend to roam around the city for the day

- You update me before going home, that you will be going home in 20 minutes and that you will be home around 11:20 PM I really appreciate this.

- YOu messaged me and I was genuinely on bluetooth and couldn’t reply immediately

- TAKE NOTE: You sensed that I wasn’t feeling well. “Babe is there anything wrong?” I told you I was tired, physically and emotionally; you told me you were tired too.

- I told you that it was because I thought you were upset and felt upset too.

- TAKE NOTE: you told me that I could just message you to check with you if you are okay. And you said that you look at the messages and check them, but you don’t always reply because you don’t want to be controlled by your phone. If the message looks urgent you will put attention to this. You told me you don’t just do this with me, but to everyone. And you were thinking that you shouldn’t even be telling me that. I really appreciate this, this is private and you shared it with me, probably to make me feel better.

- You share with me the knife video and the child video

- We sleep together and wake up together the next day. I really appreciate this.

2019/06/23, Sunday

- We have video sex, I was sucking your cock, and I didn’t get to cum because your mom arrived. Your panic is so funny.

- Pride

- I sent you updates and told you when I got home

- You told me you were talking to your sister and that you  will call me after hanging up and taking a shower

- I told you about my police encounter and how I was so scared, I told you not to get jealous but we are laughing about it because they are my “nemesis”

- We talk and I update you about pride, and I ask you about your sister. You told me she really likes brownies but seems to be just fully realizing it lol.

- We sleep together and wake up together the next day. I really appreciate this.

2019/06/24, Monday

- I send you a big thank you audio because I wanted to make sure you know how much I appreciate you and to make sure I can appreciate you too and make sense of it all

OKAY SO, A LOT OF WHAT I WROTE HERE I ERASED BY ACCIDENT, AND I WAS UPSET AND ANXIOUS FOR A FEW MOMENTS, BUT I’VE DECIDED TO LET IT BE, LET IT GO AND JUST MOVE ON. I APPRECIATE THAT I HAVE STARTED TO MAKE SENSE OF THEM, I’M GOING TO TRY TO SUMMARIZE EACH DAY IN 5 POINTS NOW:

2019/06/24, MONDAY 

- I sent you a thank you audio and it made you emotional and you thanked me for all of those things too and told me you love me too and that you wish you could give me the longest kiss now

- You told me you want me to feel good and asked if I came, since I didn’t get to cum the day before

- I was at the paint store when you sent me videos about the horizon, you told stories about your childhood

- We called while you were making your pizzas and eating, and then we watched the jumpscare video and it was so funny because you screamed; before sleeping we talked about MBTI 

- We slept together and woke up together in the morning; I had a nightmare and I couldn’t sleep well, I woke up the next morning really sleepy and tired but you had to go to work, we didn’t get to say I love yous and I sent you a message and you apologized for not seeing it earlier

2019/06/25, TUESDAY

-  You ask if I’m feeling better and said you are a little bit horny

- You sent me audios of you masturbating and cumming; “I’m a happy slut”; “You’re my happy slut, mine” “Yours”

- I sent you the Today’s Adventures video; “my cock started leaking instantly”, “love to see you slutty like that for me”, “fuck i have to cum now my cock is so fucking hard but I can’t”

- This day you fell asleep while listening to podcast and I was feeling so anxious at that time, but looking back now, I understand that you need your own time and that you we’re probably tired and needed to recharge NOTE TO SELF: It only took a few days to realize this, give each other space to recharge, trust him, always think about how you can support each other

- I watched Stranger Things and sent you a message about it

2019/06/26, WEDNESDAY

- Good morning message from you; I asked you about the croissants, you said we can do it Friday since I have the concert on Thursday; you forgot you had office on Friday and it made me worry about you; you told me that you woke up dreaming that I was calling you “babe” to wake you up (you said your brain added i because it’s something you need)

- I sent you a message wanting to talk about something important but not urgent, but not to worry; you offered to talk immediately and I said later because you have work and I was painting; you asked to call 10 minutes (it was a 20ish minute call: we talked about how you had to take a shower after watching my video), you told me about the “The edge of democracy documentary” -  i told you that worrying about you is not funny because of my experience with my mom being away when i was a kid - you said you understand and explained “funny” meant interesting

- I was sad because I felt like I disturbed you during your POTC, you told me I was disturbing but you don’t mind if it’s me. NOTE TO SELF: this doesn’t matter, RESPECT EACH OTHER’S SPACE; you told me not to worry because you will talk to you after; I apologized to you for this because I want to make sure we both have our own space; you again told me you don’t mind. 

- We call; topics: you saying “oh god” after hearing my tone and thinking i was going to talk about something again (you apologized immediately about reacting like this, which I appreciate because I started to feel anxious/upset); our “timeline”- i meant more to talk about the future, future, but you understood it as us meeting first (WHICH MAKES SENSE, because we have to meet first). We said late this year or early 2020; games like castlevania, POTC, POA, you told me to watch American Beauty, told me about AI, etc; I came while you talk dirty to me I appreciate this so much since I know you were already feeling so sleepy AND YET.

- We sleep together but the call got disconnected 

2019/06/27, THURSDAY

- Since the call got disconnected I called you in the morning, it got disconnected again and I woke you up for the alarm, you asked for 30 more minutes since you were still sleepy; the call got disconnected because I went to the track for my walk; but I woke you up anyway 

- I sent you a video with the red spiders; you sent me a video with the shark because you find it so funny; I really appreciate this, you sharing things with me just because you found them interesting or found them funny

- You send me a video of you fucking the pillows and cumming; I really appreciate this and totally did not expect it (you told me yesterday that you wanted to do a video since I inspired you with mine and you feel like it’s unfair to me because I’ve sent you a lot of videos and it’s been a while since you sent me one) ---------- THIS IS IMPORTANT: Even though it is very sexual, I think you would need a high level of trust to be able to send a video like this with your face so visible; I really appreciate that

- I shared with you the wall update; we call and talk a bit before I went to the Hillsong Concert -  we laugh about the shark puppet, we kept saying yeuuh, we talked about the video you made for me, we said goodnights; I asked you if you want me to wake you up in the morning and you said that I can

- THE HILLSONG CONCERT CHANGED MY LIFE AND MY PERSPECTIVE OF THINGS; IT RENEWED ME; I AM SO GRATEFUL; “My heart beating, my soul breathing, upwards falling, spiring soaring”

2019/06/28, FRIDAY

- Good morning wake up call from me for 6 AM, your voice is visibly upbeat, i think because I was saying how your voice is kinda scary in the morning (I don’t want you to pretend just to please me; you went to the office and sent me a message that you got to work; it’s been 15 minutes but it counts you said; I agree! I really appreciate this, considering the times before when it you would remember later 

- I spent the day with Shanice (I am so thankful for this friendship); during this I sent you a text about being wet after watching your video; you said that you hope I meet my friend with my pussy wet and dripping; I did really well not checking my phone constantly and anxiously; I feel more at peace and happier, it’s because of my renewal after the Hillsong Concert

- I sent you a text to update you that I got home; you sent me a text to tell me that you are going home soon, and that you are travelling to go home; “I hope u are resting now my love 💙” after I told you I was feeling tired I really appreciate this

- We spend the night talking and updating:

- you are going to do the teaching program again, about twice a week starting the week after next; you’re very excited about this because your work schedule adjusts

- you told me how you want to make cookies for your coworkers, you’re hoping that they miss you as you miss them

- I asked you “how can I make your day better?” - you made a teasing sound (thinking about wanting to fuck my mouth here), and you said that I already am by being here

- I asked you “how can I support you better?” - you told me that I already am supporting you really good 

- I asked you "what are three things you’re grateful for?” - you told me that you are grateful for me, for our relationship; for the way you are working right now where you have more freedom working at home; for your family (but this is a given; for pizza (but pizza is a different category); for the fact that chocolate exists ---------- I told you that I am grateful for you, for our relationship; for the privilege that I have to be able to take time off from work to take care of my health; for being able to paint my room; for the fact that I was able to attend the Hillsong concert with my family

- we have sex even though the door is half open (I told you to keep quiet, because I don’t care); sucking your cock, riding your cock; you came twice I really appreciate this because it’s important to share this intimacy

- I said to you “Babe, I love you”, I want to make sure that you don’t forget it; “Awww, I love you too” (I don’t want you to be afraid of expressing your love for me) I really appreciate this because I want to make sure you know sincerely

- “Good night my sweet love” you say to me I really like this

- You take the time to look through my photos and liked all of them even though I told you I don’t post them for likes

- you told me you have boardgames on Saturday and I felt genuine happiness for you because I know how much you enjoy boardgames (you had boardgames the previous weekend too) -  I feel at peace because I trust you, and I trust you because I love you and you love me

- I suggested to you that we should not do croissants on Sunday because you will have boardgames on Saturday and I want you to have time for yourself too; you said awww, and that “we can do croissants” “we will see”

- We sleep together and wake up together 

Here’s what I want to remind myself of, what lessons I think these experiences and emotions has taught me:

Take care of yourself, be your own person, develop your own self to grow

Give your love space for him to also take care of himself, be his own person, SUPPORT him while he develops himself (ask him how you can support him)

COMMUNICATE even if it’s difficult; APOLOGIZE SINCERELY even if it’s difficult and acknowledge and apologize immediately

GIVE YOUR TRUST WITHOUT FEAR; this is not to say that you give everything to your love, but it is to have faith that no matter what, you are well loved  by yourself, by God (whoever this may be for you), and of course, by your love)

I’m writing today so I don’t forget the things you said to me to yesterday and how secure and happy you make me feel.

Yesterday after sending you the Goodnight audio, you sent me a message after about 6 minutes. You were sleeping because you felt tired and sleepy after helping your friend with the software. You told me that you were working on a web forum and it was different for you because it’s not the usual work you do.

You explained that you are a software developer (I know this), you prefer to be called developer than programmer too. I asked you for more details on what your area of expertise is, and you summarized it as a C# developer and currently focus on backend stuff. Lots of problem solving. I’m glad I asked and now know a little bit more.

You already slept and woke up, then you listened to my audio message, and then you asked to call me.

We call and you said you’re welcome, in response to my thank you for you being so supportive. You said that there is no need to thank you, because it is a given and that I can count on you. I say the same to you, and explained that I like to express thanks. 

I was able to open up to you a bit and shared with you that I’m hoping to be able to get at least about 2 more weeks of time off from work to work on myself and spend time with my loved ones. You are so supportive and so understanding. You assure me that there is no need to feel guilty. You were worried how this would affect my work, and I assured you that it will not affect my work. 

We talk more and you start sharing videos with me, videos that you watch whenever you want to laugh: the slowed down kermit video, the brazilian watching style comic by the paulo artist, the game grumps wheel of fortune video, the kimk come back video...

We laugh and laugh, I love laughing together with you.

What prompted that wheel of fortune video was us talking about names, starting with you sharing the paulo name with the artist, and me asking you if you would change henrique (since you don’t like it - but you wouldn’t since your mom gave you the name and you don’t want to make her sad), and me trying to remember the name that’s so popular in brazil nowadays (it’s enzo - i asked for first and second letters, then last letter, and then number of letters, and you keep laughing because the name is so short that you would give the whole name if you gave so many clues, and we laugh so much because it took me a long time to get it).

Also... I want to put this on record because I want to remember it, it’s something we talked about a few days back.

Some memories you shared with me from your childhood:

- when your mom bought you the bookset at school after saying that you don’t have the money to, she went to school, gave the money and then left without saying anything - and they said that you never asked them for anything and it’s the first time you did - this made you feel their love for you

- when your sister dropped you off the airport when you visited her in Argentina - you felt really cared for 

- when she got married - you cried at the end of the party because that’s when you realized that she would go away and things would change

- when your brother got married and you were the last person he patted at the back of the church

- you also told me that you moved about 9 times until coming to the new house which you’ve lived in since (either 2005 or 2009- I think it’s 2009) -  you seem to have loved that guava house a lot since it was big and you moved to a small place in downtown - we also talked about you having to move here (and you say that that’s a different scenario)

I also shared some moments with you when I feel really loved 

- the new balance shoe story (which i already had told you about)

- when I was at the school bus during first week of school in Canada and cried seeing my dad walking to the bus stop to go to work because it was the first time I’ve seen him go to work - it made me feel so loved because it was when things clicked, that they have really moved their entire lives to give me a good future

We talked until we were both so sleepy. You had an alarm for 6 AM (and you insisted on keeping it because you already slept a lot). When the alarm came on you asked to sleep again and I start laughing, you were saying shuutuup in such a funny voice as I laugh, and I tell you that I’m laughing at both of us. We both decided to go back to sleep. I woke up before you and I had to go because it’s Father’s Day today.

We didn’t talk for the whole day, and at around 5 PM you sent me an audio message to say hi and to tell me that your cousin is visiting and you will spend the rest of the day playing games and eating pizza with him. 

I’m very grateful that my feelings of secure attachment is getting reinforced by my own emotional growth and also by you being reassuring with me.

The whole day today I was not constantly checking my phone for your messages as I was preoccupied with my own activities and thoughts that does not necessarily involve you. I’m really grateful. I’m really happy about receiving your audio message, because I like audio messages and I enjoy hearing your voice, and this message is reassuring and you tell me you love me.  I really appreciate this audio.

You said you would try to send a photo of the pizza but will not promise because you often forget. I will be okay if you forget to send it, and would express how much I love it if you don’t. 

Right now, I am anticipating you messaging me to say goodnight, but I will be okay if you don’t. I would feel disappointed, and I would let you know about it in a positive and non-blaming way (I will approach it with kindness). But I will be okay regardless. This is me practicing “Do not take anything personally”.

I am writing this so I can make sense of how I feel, to be aware, to understand why I’m feeling like this, what I’m afraid of, what’s beneath this fear, to heal myself from these fears, and to prevent these negative feelings from affecting our relationship

In the past few days I’ve been feeling a sort of insecurity regarding our relationship, and I am aware that this is likely due to the state of my own feelings, and to certain triggers of negative emotions. I’d like to discuss some points

- I feel that recently you have not been vocal about saying I love you to me. Although, on Monday June 10th, you did send me an audio with you telling me you love me, you call me My love a lot more these days, and even if you haven’t said it as much as I am used to, you put more effort for us these days (for example: telling me that it’s okay that some days I am not okay, you still want to be with me, telling me that you are here for me, wanting to spend time with me as soon as you get home from work, sleeping together) --- THIS IS A REMINDER TO MYSELF - You love me, this is how it feels like, you care for me and you want to spend time with me.

- Recently it feels like we have not had as much sex as before (this can be explained by us feeling more tired, putting more into talking until we fall asleep, your parents’ door being open, your parents being home more than before --- although, you sent me audio of you cumming after watching my videos on Wednesday June 5th) --- On Wednesday night June 12th, we did manage to have a quick intimate session, i wanted to suck your cock and made you cum after asking you to be quiet; On Friday night June 14th, you apparently got to excited after we started talking dirty and talking about that things we will do to each other and we could not stop. You came twice. This morning I woke you up while I was masturbating and you woke up to me moaning. It feels so good. We start to talk about what we’re going to do to each other again. 

- When you take a while to reply somehow I compare it to how we were in the beginning when we can’t seem to stop talking to each other.  But I have to recognize that the reason why we don’t do that anymore is we now both feel more secure in the relationship. And perhaps the reason why in the past few days I’ve been feeling almost restless wanting to talk to you all the time and feeling anxious when you don’t reply promptly--- is my own insecurities.

I am well aware that I do trust you very much and that you trust me too, and that despite this trust, I still have some fears. 

To put it simply, I fear losing a person that I love. I fear being betrayed by the person that I love and them not being honest with me.

The reason for this fear is simple of course, who wants to lose something or someone they love? No one. There is also the fear that I invest in something and risk on something and it doesn’t yield the return that I need and want. This is normal.

However, what is causing this fear? 

I think that the answer lies within myself. I have some insecurities about myself currently, and I am not giving as much love to myself as I usually do. 

Here’s what I have in mind to heal myself:

- Invest in myself, self-care, positive growth

- Eat healthier, go to the gym everyday, spend more time with my loved ones, spend more time on activities that enrich myself

- Take care of my relationships by taking care of my emotional state first

- Practice the Four Agreements “Be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, always do your best”

Doing and practicing all of this will put me at peace and at ease because it would mean that I am doing my best, and I am giving my best to the people I love. If the relationship flourishes, then it’s great, if it doesn’t, then I’ve done my best and I would not have regrets.

My promise to you, My Love: I will always communicate with you how I feel and not make assumptions, I will communicate with you after I make sense of the feelings (meaning, I will no explode on you without thought), I will always make you feel my love, I will always appreciate the ways that you love me.

This week:

- You have been cooking while talking to me. I appreciate this since it allows us to spend time together even while you’re doing something that you enjoy.

- I woke up in the middle of the night because of the noise coming from outside your street, I called, Babe, and you understood without me asking ---  you got up and closed the window without saying anything --- I thanked you and I thanked you again in the morning. 

- You telling me that you want to be with me, even on the days that I don’t feel 100%. I told you the same.

- This is more from last week, around the time that my cousin’s baby was born, we talked about having children - and we joked about waking up in the middle of the night to take care of it - you half joked that we should just have pets - and we discussed that I’m not sure if I want to and we agreed that we should only have children when we are ready. I appreciate this because it’s important that we can have conversations like this about our future.

- You telling me that this week is a normal week for you, but you really enjoyed discovering the marble machine videos, and also the peaceful cooking videos. We laugh about you saying that there was nothing special about your week, except for me, I joked about how it was a nice save, and you said it isn’t a save. I really appreciate that because it makes me feel your love. 

- I think I discovered that I really appreciate using words to affirm feelings. 

In the afternoon today, before I went to the Filipino event, I sent you a sexual message. You responded to me with audio messages. At this point I had a feeling that you had already started to help your friend with the software. You continue to send me the audios, they are more rushed than usual. I really appreciate that you still take the time to do something that you know will make me happy. 

Right now I’m getting ready for bed and you haven’t responded to me since I sent you a message of me going home. I think I will try to wait for you until 10:15 PM here, but if not, I will just send you an audio message to say Goodnight, and also to say thank you for your support.

I am so thankful today because I am learning to take back my freedom and my sense of self again.

I love you, and I love myself.

It has been a while since I wrote anything here. And it’s because of a few things, 1, I’ve been feeling exhausted, 2, mental health priorities, 3, busy, 4, all my other free time i spend with loved ones and with you, 5, we are doing so well. And I think this post is a reminder of all the good things we experience, no matter how small they are. 

I was prompted to write this because I was having some overthinking/anxiety over the fact that I did not get to tell you that I love you this morning/I was waiting for you to say it first/I said it first yesterday.

All of these feel so irrational, and just over thinking. Because it forgets the fact that you are calling me your love all the time. You always tell me that you love me. We don’t have to say it all the time, but we do need to feel it all the time. And I can feel it. You make sure that I can always feel your love.

Recent things that I appreciate and make me feel your love for me:

- Yesterday we video called while I was at the lakeshore, and you messaged me as soon as you woke up, without having read any of the other messages yet

- “Can I call you?” You wanting to talk every day even for just a little bit before sleeping, no matter how tired you are feeling

- When you want to wake up earlier so we can still have time to talk a bit in the morning after waking up

- You telling me I should sleep more every time, and today you kept pushing me to sleep more because I didn’t sleep enough yesterday

- At this point, as sleeping together is just normal for us, and I really appreciate that we can do this. When your brother was sleeping over at your house last weekend, you were feeling apologetic that we couldn’t sleep together

- The audios you sent me the previous wednesday - you telling me you’re happy after telling you that I’m happy, you telling me that you’re happy after I told you that I thoroughly enjoyed the videos

- Yesterday, after telling you how sad I was feeling - you telling me that if you’re not replying I should just call you. When you told you no, you relented and said “Okay, if you NEED to.” (I told you the same)

- You telling me that it doesn’t matter, because there will be some days that I am sad, and you still want to be with me  (I told you the same)

- Us spending time together talking about every little thing 

- You teasing me about being a robot

- You telling saying “sunshine on sunshine”, referring to me being in sunshine, because I am sunshine, that’s really cute

- You telling me that you will reply to you messages (because I will be able to see you online), and they you will call me - I appreciate this so much because it reassures me, and you do it because you understand me

- That day you had to work overnight, and you sent me audio updates to make sure I don’t worry (that was on June 2nd, 2019), I really appreciate that

- When you shared with me what happened to your aunt, when you shared with me family gossip, when you shared with me things about your brother, when you shared with me things that worry you about your sister

I know your work is really busy right now, because there is a lot of work (even though it’s mindless work, which you don’t mind doing you said). So whenever I feel like you’re not putting effort, I just need to remind myself this. Because you are putting effort. Everyday I see it, I feel it, you don’t let me forget. 

I love yous do not always need to be said. Actions speak louder, effort speaks louder, love speaks louder. 

Yesterday I made you cum when you were already in bed (sucking your cock is always a good idea- I love hearing the oh fuck fuck fuck and your panting and your grunting). I told you to be quiet, and that I’ll be quiet too. I love the restrain. Asking you if you can control yourself once your cock is inside my mouth. I love that at first you are adamant you can control and then afterwards just telling me that you will fuck my mouth harder because you can’t control yourself.

You explained to me that you are okay taking the risk even when your parents’ door is open because when you took Nilo to their room, they were sound asleep. You said that you want to record a video for me with the glazed strawberries, and that today you hope your parents go somewhere, and you will just surprise me with an audio.

It’s funny because as I began writing this journal, after feeling some anxiety about us, your message came pinging on my computer screen, 

“Babeee I hope u re having q good morning too 😊”

You only took a peak and had to go back to work immediately after that.

That’s okay. Some days I’ll be busy, some days you’ll be busy. That’s okay, because what matters the most is that we both are making the effort to stay connected to each other.

Tuesday morning I wake you up with a call since we couldn’t sleep together the night before. You thank me again for waking you up when you got to work. And you tell me that your cock got hard in the morning and that I could wake you up by sucking it. I tell you to remind of my filthy dream hat night.

We talk a little bit during my lunch time. When I got home you were sleeping on the couch. I told you that I was feeling a little sad and that I know you were feeling tired so I didn’t want us to call and have that sad energy be felt by you.

You tell me that you don’t care what mood I am in, you want to talk to me. That is so sweet. I open up to you why I was feeling sad, because of how my mom talked to me that day, and you cheer me up. I wasn’t expecting you to, but you cheer me up and your voice provided reason. I remember you joking something along the lines of “You should have faith in your boyfriend’s abilities (to cheer you up)”. And I do have faith, I tell you that. I really appreciate that. I really love you for this.

We start to get filthy again. I get so wet once we get it going. You ask for a video call. And we do a video call. You show me how hard you get for me. “It would be so easy for me to ride you.” We cum together like that. You cum a lot. I ask you to lick it. That’s so hot. 

As you take a shower, you tell me to be a good girl and cum again. When you came back from the shower, you ask me how I am. “I was being a good girl.” The implications of that is hot. And you tell me that I am a good girl, and the best among all the girls. 

We sleep later than what I want, we wake up together the morning. I was crying because of my dream about my grandma, and you comfort me a little bit even though you have to get up. We laugh a bit about how slow you are in the morning- move slow, eat slow, shower slow. 

You tell me when you get to work, even though it’s  a little late, I appreciate that you do. You call me “my love” again.

We don’t talk much during the day on wednesday because we both are so busy at work. You apologize to me because work these days have been really busy for you. I tell you I understand and it’s okay but I appreciate that you tell me about it. 

I really like that you tell me that you hope that I feel less tired that day, and that I don’t have to do OT, and if I do, that I will be able to overcome it, and that the rest of my day goes smoothly.

I got early that day since I wasn’t feeling well and asked to go home early. I told you that I didn’t take my full lunch and just worked and finished my work early. 

When we called on Wednesday night, I told you we have to sleep early, and you agreed but also saying that you can’t stay awake for long because you are feeling tired. You were worried that I was only sleeping early because I felt pressured so we can sleep together. I definitely did not feel pressured, but I think I just wanted to spend time together that day. I should control more. We ended up sleeping so late again. I tried to tell you so many times that we should sleep. “You should have tried harder.” You say this jokingly, but you also agree that you did not hear it and wanted to keep talking. I tell you that I couldn’t stop you because you are so happy talking and I like to hear you talk happily like that.

We talk about so many things, politics, ifood, business (you really like my idea about “uber for photographer needs”), instant gratification, the time in your childhood when you won a polaroid instead of PS because you got overconfident in a math contest, accents (I tell you again how I got mistaken for French, and you do your funny Russian accent inspired by Chernobyl), economics, casinos, racism, retirement. At some point I asked you if you are scared of Canada. And you said you are a little bit but that it’s okay. You understand that I am asking you if you’re scared of living here. And you said you are scared because it is a different country, you were scared if people will understand you and if you will understand people. I express my worry for the time that you have to move here. You tell me that you want to be with me. “I want to be with you too”, I tell you. You tell me not to worry and that it will be okay, and that this not happening the very next day. You also say that you can always visit Brazil if you feel saudade. I say okay. And we breath deeply.

I keep pressing that we need to sleep. You make me laugh so much with your drunk whiney voice, and your hilarious Russian accent and “my friend” that Russians say. We wonder briefly if you can pretend to be Russian, or Indian. We talk a little bit about bargaining. How you bargain, not with small businesses, and how I learned about bargaining by selling a car, and how I learned about currency by selling gummy bears. 

Your wifi wasn’t working but for some reason our call stayed connected, and when it disconnected, you connected with your data instead so we could stay connected. I really appreciate that.

We try to sleep for real. We say our good nights, “Goodnight... my friend”, I whisper like your hilarious Russian accent. And we start laughing again. You said you thought I would say goodnight my love, and I tell you that.  “You are my love too”, you tell me. 

You woke up once during the night, you called for me. And we go back to sleep right away. 

I woke up before the alarm, and I was trying to sleep again. I could hear your snoring. We wake up, say our good mornings and I love yous. You tell me to go back to sleep, I tell you that I will try.

I text you an hour later. A text of gratitude “for being here with me in every way you do... for making me laugh so much and cheering me up so easily. “Awww” “Thank you for all of that too babe 💙”

I told you that I have a fever of 38.2 degrees and that I can’t come in to work today.

I have some time to sit down and reflect today since you slept earlier (you slept only 4 hours yesterday night and you’re still recovering from your cold).

It’s so important I pick up from my journal on Friday where I was feeling sad that you couldn’t call after talking to your brother.

Because you did call! And I appreciate that so much about you. You make effort for me and for us. It was already 1:02 AM and you were exhausted and had a cold. And you still want to call. We talk until we get super sleepy, we sleep together, and then we wake up together, talk a little bit more. You told me you think you would visit your brother.

I went about my day on Saturday- I went to the Brazilian store and had plans to watch a movie, but decided to go to the Toronto Islands instead.

You told me in the afternoon that you couldn’t visit your brother because you had a bit of a fever and you’ll just rest.

I kept saying how I want to go together there with you one day, and you say that you do too, and that we will.

We go on a video call together while I was sitting at the beach. It started to rain and you stayed with me until the video call disconnected because of the network. I heard you saying “awww” just before the call disconnected, you’re so cute. You were wearing glasses and wearing a cardigan. You’re so cute. You tell me that I look sexy as you look at me with my wet hair. I got shy a bit.

We didn’t get to talk that afternoon because you fell asleep early and I also slept early because I had a fever. I sent you photos from my adventures.

You reply to them early the morning, you woke up before I did I think. I woke up late because I was sick. 

Your good morning message says “Good morniiiiing my love 💙” and I really love that. 

I send you audio messages that morning. 

You told me you couldn’t cum because you had to go to your brother’s that day with your family. We couldn’t talk much during the day and could only send few messages every few hours or so.

I really enjoyed spending time with my family that day, and I hope you enjoyed spending time with your family too.

You got home a little late and told me you are happy to be home because of the social interaction. I told you that I did a coffee scrub and you told me that you miss me doing a coffee scrub and that it’s been a while and that you like it when I tell you I did it. I really love that. I didn’t realize you like and appreciate little things like that. But I really love that you told me that.

You told me that social interactions are always tiring but that it’s okay, it wasn’t that tiring.

You told me that you’ll have to go to the office for the whole week because your office has a new tough project and your boss asked you to go because it is better for morale.

I asked you how you feel about it, and you said that “I feel that I don’t want to wake up at 6″. “I knew it hahaha”. And you said that (other) than that, you feel okay.

I tell you it’s good that you feel ok, and that I’ll wake you up.

“Aww” “Thank you” “I was going to ask already”

You said you were gonna ask me to wake you up at 6 and do not let you sleep again.

Right before we slept, we talk more. I kept reminding you that we should sleep earlier and you keep saying no because we didn’t get to talk for a whole day and want to talk more. 

Your throat was really itchy and you kept coughing. I got so worried about you and how you couldn’t sleep. I suggested honey. I fell asleep when for a while I couldn’t hear your coughs anymore. 

When we woke up in the morning, one of the first things you tell me is that the honey worked. I’m so, so, so happy that it did. Not because I suggested it to you, but because it was able to give you sleep.

Today as I was texting you that I got to work, you already were texting me, and once again we talk about timing. 

I sent you a message earlier that day how I want your cock in my mouth, and you say that you are thinking about that too.

You told me that you needed to nap at lunch otherwise you’ll die. I told you not to die of course. 

We talk a bit again when you texted me that you got home. I showed you the Spartan race, and you told me that your day was nice. Kinda hard and busy but that it’s nice to be in the office sometimes because it’s more funny. I’m really glad to hear that. It’s nice when our workplaces make it easy for us. You said it is more funny because people are always making jokes and such.

You said that you will probably end up sleeping before I get home, but it’s okay because you will set up three alarms.

At the same time I suggest that I’ll just call you tomorrow to wake you up “if you want that”.

“You can do that too!!” I ask if you’re sure. “Yeah! Of course”

We both agree that we like sleeping together and it is nice to wake up together too. I said it’s weird, but you say that it’s not. “It is the way we found to be together”.

I told you that when you were coughing I was researching how to soothe it and that’s how I found out that for some people, it’s more itchy at nightfall.

“Awww” “Thank you 💙”

I told you that your suffering bothered me and you said it’s good to hear but not good at the same time.

I was trying to explain to you how I feel. That I am concerned but I know you take care of yourself so it’s making me less worried.” And you say:

“That’s good! I want u to care for myself and I know u do, but I don’t want you to be concerned, but I know that’s not a choice hahah just like I get concerned when u are sick or with pain”

You explain so well how I feel. We both agree that it’s not a choice. We just feel that.

I tell you quickly about the 1975 concert.

We say our Love yas. I say goodnight to you, with the crescent moon.

You reply with “Goodnight my love 💙”.

I really love when you say that. Not because you own me, but because it reinforces everything else you do and say to make me feel your love. It is so sweet.