#slptgthr

I haven’t journaled since Monday since I just want to  let my mind and my hear absorb things.

QUICKLY, I want to write a followup/reflection on my thoughts from Monday this week, we talked on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019:

I really want to talk about this again with you to make sure we are both okay:

- I want to make sure you are okay, ask if you have any unresolved feelings

- You said you are okay and you don’t have any unresolved issues, in text and during the call you. You told me that I do, that you are here for me too. You tell me you love on your text before we called

- I told you that you got upset, and you said you did, but only for a moment because of my tone when I told you not to say 10 minutes. You felt like what you’re doing is not enough and that you have to do more, that you didn’t feel appreciated (you said that it’s not like you think what you are doing is enough, but that’s what it felt like at that time; you acknowledged that how you felt and thought is not necessarily true) - I was crying at this point

- You said that after I explained myself and we did the video call, you felt better and you’re not upset anymore

- I want to tell you that the reason I was feeling upset is because I tend to often take time literally; I want to emphasize that I find this both a strength and a weakness and that I’m working on it

- I get anxious when the agreed time is not met, and especially when a longer amount of time has passed

- But I also appreciate it when people tell me how much more time I have to wait since it’s better than letting the anxiety guess

- I want to tell you that I’m not upset anymore and that you didn’t disappoint me; I was more upset that I got upset over it (since I am working on being more relaxed about time)

- The secondary reason why I got upset is because I thought you already knew how I am with time and felt like you forgot or just said what you said for the sake of saying it.

BUT NOW I know now that that’s not the case, it was simply because you lost track of time.

- I want to understand you, how would you have reacted if you were in my place?

- I think I could’ve avoided what happened if I had just told you that I wanted to sleep earlier instead of waiting. At that time I really wanted a chance to talk a little bit because I forgot that it was a holiday and I thought you were starting the teaching tomorrow and I wanted to like cheer you about it.

- I’m feeling really vulnerable right now and I think this is where the anxiety is coming from. I feel like you’ve already seen the ugly sides of me. Every day I strive to be better. Can you accept me as I am? 

- “I do”, is your answer to me

- I really thought about how to express how I feel. Babe, I love you, in all the ways I know how. If you feel like you’ve hurt me without meaning to, I forgive you, because I believe in you and I trust that you wouldn’t do something to deliberately hurt me. And what you think and feel about this, and anything else really, is important for me. And I love to hear from you, to understand you better, what makes you upset, what makes you feel better.

Tuesday, July 9th, 2019 ALSO:

- You sent me a video of the sunset, I appreciate this so much since you were sick and went out of your way to show it to me

- We finished watching Stranger Things while you were making the bagels  I really appreciate this

- We both cried at the end of the episode I really appreciate this, I could hear you crying

- I said sorry to you for my tone that cause you to feel unappreciated. And I reaffirm that I appreciate you

- You told me that I have nothing to be sorry for, that these things sometimes happens and are part of being in a relationship

- We sleep together and wake up in the morning

Wednesday, July 10th, 2019:

- I woke up earlier and called you to wake you up 

- I sent you a photo of the kadyos since you asked me to ask my mom what it’s called; then we started talking about feijoada 

- I sent you a photo of me from 9 years ago and you also shared photos with me; my favourite photo is with you and your family; you kept telling me how I look so similar I really appreciate this moment

- You’re sick and we didn’t get to call because you have to sleep early, but I felt okay with it, I didn’t feel the crying need to ask for a call, because I understand and you understand too

- I told you that doctor told me to sleep more, “u don’t sleep enough my love”

- You told me you feel pretty good and confident about the teaching, but there is still a little bit of anxiety which you think is normal (because almost every social interaction gives you a little bit of anxiety)

Thursday, July 11th, 2019

- I sent you a good morning text at 9 AM est, and you replied with a “good morning my love”

- You just got to the office and forgot to tell me that you can get in late on the days when you will be teaching

- You said the teaching went pretty good and you are very happy because you heard bad stories about kids being rude/unmotivated 

- I went to the botanical gardens and you said you want to see the photos

- You send me a 7.5 minute video about the stuff you bought bulk last week. You remembered to show me and I really appreciate that you took the time to share it with me. 

- We started calling early because my keyboard was stuck in Korean and we were doing audios

- You were making the multigrain bread and the Australian buns

- You’re doing a lot of silly voices and accents and just general dumb things and at one point your dad walked in and we laughed because you forgot to change your voice

- You kept saying “stop teasing me”, and I told you it’s just an invitation for me to tease you more NOTE TO SELF: tease you more, since I know you really like it when I tease you

- On the topic of weed: you said that it’s really not a priority for you to try it, and since I told you that smoking weed is a deal breaker for me, you told me that now you have a reason not to get high on weed I really appreciate this, it’s a small thing but it is heavy in meaning

- You told me “You can’t live without me” - It made me uncomfortable but I didn’t address it directly. I wonder if you were just waiting for a chance to tell me that you can’t live without me

- You told me about the retirement program changing in Brazil; you’re sad for your dad; you said that you’re not really counting on it; 1, because if we get married, it won’t matter since you will be moving here (i’m trying not to focus on the if); 2, before we even started talking, you were planning on investments, etc.

- At some point I teased you about forgetting a lot of things, and told you that I’m glad you told me that you are forgetful; you said that you may forget a lot of things, but you remember the important things: “I remember that you like me, and I like you”; I think my response to this was “okay”.

- I asked you what you fear, not things: you fear that something would happen to your parents, you fear that something would happen to June because you really love her; in general you fear losing someone; you fear that you can’t eat pizza (maybe you realized you were being vulnerable? i’m not sure but I really appreciate you sharing this honestly with me)

- I fell asleep while you took a shower; when you came back on the phone I heard you calling for me “Babe”, really gently, and said sorry for waking me up

- You were trying to get me more horny since I told you that I’m feeling horny, but I told you we should sleep 

- We sleep together “Goodnight my love”, I really love when you refer to me as your love

Friday, July 12th, 2019:

- The call got disconnected because my wifi and data got disconnected

- I call you to wake you up 

- Quickly I ask you if everything is okay, and you said to me everything is okay, why? I answer you, just a feeling (because I felt like you were not being as affectionate - I SHOULD HAVE WATCHED THE VIDEO BEFORE I SAID THIS BUT THAT’S OKAY, I’m thankful I didn’t press it; I’m also thankful that I felt comfortable to ask you this

- You said you’re feeling better from your cold

- You tell me you love me before we hang up

- I wake up to you calling me; “Babe”

- you told me you had to go and did not want to go without properly letting me know

- it extended the conversation more; because you told me that you had been awake and that you woke me up earlier but I asked to sleep more; I told you that I’m sure that you said “let’s sleep more” WE BOTH MISUNDERSTOOD. I thought you were saying “let’s sleep more”, and you thought you were asking me if I want to sleep more; you said I was sounding so sleepy so you didn’t force me to wake up

- I made you promise to force me to wake up if I’ve had at least 6 hours of sleep 

- (I think I got triggered by all the gaslighting talk)

- We completely go off tangent; and you got sad because I told you that you should not have called me crazy; you got sad because you hurt me; i emphasized that you didn’t really hurt me and that i’m sorry that what i said made you sad

- It felt like an argument, but over such a silly thing

- I sent you an audio later on to say thank you for waking me up and for being considerate as to not just hang up without properly talking to each other

- You reply to me later, thanking me too, with a blue heart emoji

- I shared with you a photo of the blueberry maziran tart

- You just remembered that you bought cream cheese and didn’t make the cheesecake yet

- “I have to wash the dishes babe then if u are free we can watch stranger things”

- Around an hour an a half later you haven’t replied yet and I messaged you to watch it and wondering if you fell asleep

- It took us another half an hour or so to call; I was ready to just sleep because I started to feel sleepy 

- You explained to me why it took so long to wash the dishes; you mom was sick and couldn’t wash dishes; she’s usually in charge of the bigger dishes; you dad doesn’t wash as he uses; dishes had not been washed since yesterday it seems

- You told me you couldn’t go visit your brother because your mom was really sick and she had to go to the doctor; I shared with you that my mom was sick too (we shared that it’s funny that they were both not feeling well; I asked you if you are worried, and you shared that you are kinda worried

- I told you how I learned about UV index, and it reminded you of your Argentina trip

- We shared about the chores we don’t particularly like doing - bathroom (we both don’t like this and you suggested that we can do it together, and then we can do “you know”); you said you don’t mind washing dishes most of the time, especially when it’s time for you to listen to something; you also shared that you don’t like cleaning carpets and sanding+varnishing I really appreciate being able to talk about household things like this

- I told you that my cousin is going to the RCMP

- We watch 2 episodes of Stranger Things; you are considerate of me and even though you wanted to watch more than 1, you suggested we sleep, but I insisted we watch another one if you are not tired because I really want to watch more I really appreciate this, all of this, watching the show together, laughing together, and you being mindful 

- I told you randomly during the show that I have a bad habit of wanting to be always right; you told me that you know, and that it’s okay; I asked how you know, and you said that you just know

- We slept together; the call got disconnected at some point and I had to call you to wake you up at 6 AM (your time)

- In the morning you asked me if we said goodnight since you don’t remember NOTE THIS: we shouldn’t get to a point where you’re so sleepy you don’t remember anything (I try my best not to think about it, but when you tell me you love me before we sleep, is it reflex? Because you definitely tell me you love me at other times too)

- You text me when you got to work, but it came a little late again. It’s a small thing, but it seems like you often forget ----- I will ask you why you forget in the morning just so I can understand better

- You text me when you’re going home at around 8:30 PM est; I reply as you are close to getting home and you already woke up from your nap; Arturo Alvim is the name of the station and you had to go and catch your bus (20-30 minutes later you are walking home); during this we were talking about the ZOdiac killer and the guy in the 80s who was a “program worker” and killed his clients; you also told me you are actually glad to go to the office more next week (TUE, THURS to do the teaching because it’s been fun)

- You took a shower after you got home and then called. You said sorry for calling without asking if I’m ready

- We talked about: how it’s so hot here but no AC because my mom has a cold; your haul at the market street (brazil nuts, hazelnuts, almonds, peanuts, quinoa, ww flour = 50 reais roughly)

- You said sorry because you consider yourself a person who forgets easily, you are referring in particular to what happened in the morning when you get to work and forget to text me; you said you don’t feel particularly bad about it; but you explained to me that you tend to procrastinate little things like texting me; you emphasized that your brain doesn’t register it yet and it takes you a while; you also emphasized that you’re usually occupied by thinking about things AND that you can even be thinking about me but will still forget to text when you get to work I really appreciate this since I was already planning on asking you, but I appreciate you explaining to me and making me feel safe by saying that even though you are thinking of me, you will procrastinate little things

- You tell me that you don’t feel like you have to, but that you need and want to tell me because you know I care about you and you care about me, and that you care that I care and want to respect that

- You also said sorry because you forgot about how we said we would make pastel together; you explained that you had pizza and coxinha this week and that we should reserve it for next week so to be healthier I really appreciate this, you apologizing after realizing it

- I assured you that this is okay, and I would rather support you to eat healthier, and we can always cook other things; I also reminded you that we actually cooked together without even planning (the chocolate cake)

- I told you that I actually forgot about the pastel (this is true); and I told you that I wanted to explain to you because I want to give you an insight to how my brain works; I explained to you that my brain probably forgot it because it learned to not expect so much? In referencing that we said we would make croissants together but it hasn’t happened yet

- You felt bad and said sorry because you feel like you disappointed me

- I try to explain to you that I’m not truly disappointed, but that when I really want/need something I will always talk about it

- I told you that I understand that sometimes you’re tired and that it’s okay to make adjustments to plans

- I asked you if you’re more the spontaneous type or the planner - you told me it doesn’t matter to you - I try to explain to you that there are people who value when you plan things because it shows that you schedule time for them 

- I asked you if there’s anything else you want to say to me (you said not really, because it takes you a while to process things, and that you don’t exactly know how you feel usually)

- I told you that I actually posted our photos together on my journal on Instagram but that no one knows about it but me, no one will see it but me and no one will understand it but me (because I post it for me); and you that it’s cute/sweet? And we both agreed that soon we will actually have our actual photos together there

- You told me to wait for you to watch Stranger Things together

- You told me you have boardgames the next day but that you will go home earlier so that we can spend more time together; I will try not to expect but I really appreciate you thinking about this. But I also think that you just so happened to start board games earlier. I won’t think much of it, but I still appreciate it.

- We have sex; I start by just masturbating and cumming, and you said so many times how you can’t because your mom is awake and we could hear her coughing in the background; and yet after I came you started to get off thinking about me sucking your cock; the sounds I make while sucking really get you off; you had to be quiet because it’s really silent and it isn’t raining

- You explained to me that the other day you wiped your cum on the sheets and put them in the wash the next day; but this day you needed to clean up

- We say goodnights and when you said “Goodnight, my love” I told you it’s really cute and you said that I started it, but then I told you that it’s actually you who started it (I feel like I started saying love, and you started saying  my love)

- I tell you I love you and you tell me you love me

Yesterday, Wednesday, July 3rd, 2019:

- You sent me a good morning text; “Hope you have a nice day today my sweet love” 

- You sent me a photo of the coxinha, you’re happy you didn’t forget to take a picture; you explained how it’s a fitness recipe and that it’s better to stick with regular coxinha I am really glad you remembered to show me

- Shared with you the video of the dress

- 9:35 PM, you asked to call me

- we talked about how we miss each other, how in the early days we had zero control and wanted to have sex whenever we can find time together; we couldn’t do it yesterday because you said your mom was sick and she is kept awake because of her cold (you said you’ll likely catch it too)

- I asked you how you response when you’re in stress (initial reaction, middle reaction, end/adaptive reaction): (1) you said that you don’t lash out, you don’t get violent but that it will be very obvious that you are mad- you gave me examples of what stresses you out (when you get overwhelmed, when you’re focusing on something that is possibly frustrating (like work) and there’s something else competing for your energy that’s not as urgent (like your mom asking you to do something that’s not urgent); (2) middle reaction is try to distance yourself (like when your cousin was showing you things while you’re working) (3) you will apologize if you’ve said/done something that would hurt

- you told me it’s a difficult question and you apologize ahead for the times that you will be stressed; and that you will communicate with me when so I know I really appreciate that you think about things like this, looking at the future

- I asked you if you can remember a time when you feel like I understood you with you without you prompting; you mentioned how the other day I asked you how you’re doing because of all the socialization; and you like that I understand you without you even saying anything, we didn’t even talk the whole day I really appreciate that you remember this

- we talked A LOT about Stranger Things; you said that the things you like about the show the most is: character interactions, how real the characters are, and the music (your fav is Kids - the biking song in the first episode)

- you told me you have a doctor’s appointment the next morning and we set an alarm for 6 AM your time; it will be to talk about your test results; you told me you’re a little worried about the cholesterol

- You said you’re thinking about getting an exercise bike

- we say our Goodnights, “Goodnight, my love” you tell me, You tell me you love me and I feel it, I tell you I love you.

- We sleep together and wake up in the morning

This morning you text me around 8 AM EST to update me about your doctor’s appointment; you told me your cholesterol and triglycerides are a little elevated (you got this right); you told me you just need to eat less bad fats (more nuts) and less bad carbs 

I tell you I’m proud of you.

You also told me you made an eye appointment and that they’ll call you to tell you when I really appreciate this, I appreciate when you keep me updated about these things

Thursday, July 4th, 2019

- I tell you how how it is (car display)

- Around 8:08 PM we start texting, you told me it has rained there all day and you really love it

- “Babeeee let’s watch stranger thiiiiings”

- Before watching Stranger Things together, you made a chocolate mug cake, and used the brigadeiro u made the other day, with some peanuts

- It took us so long to make it and it took you so long to look for a recipe

- I also made chocolate cake in the pan without a recipe, you are amazed that I was able to do that so quickly

- We watch episode 1 of Stranger Things together; we laugh a lot; we talk a lot about the scenes and make jokes about them; I find Billy really gross and you laugh at how I react to it I really love and appreciate this; not only did we spontaneously made food at the same time, but we also watched a show together; it’s been a long time since we did this and I would really love if we can do more activities like these together

- We have sex before we sleep; you told me it was raining so the sounds of the rain will mask the sounds you will make as you cum

- You came twice; “You need to cum” you tell me; you talk a lot about wanting to fuck my ass

- You tell me “Goodnight, my love” and you tell me you love me

- We slept together; the call got disconnected at some point and I had to call you to wake you up at 6 AM (your time)

I’m writing this at 9:37 PM EST.

You are at board games the whole day and I am very grateful for the peace that I feel.

We haven’t talked the whole day since we woke up together in the morning.

I sent you a copy of the letter I wrote to you from June 6th, 2019, you said you won’t be able to read it yet, and I understand (because you said you really want to read the physical letter, and you also have to get ready to go to boardgames).

It’s funny how I feel so peaceful, a gentle and strong happiness that has grown inside my heart. Happiness that is outside of you or other things, happiness that comes from knowing that I have been renewed, and that God loves me and is always here with me.

I’m not even feeling resentment or anxiety, but more of a sense of understanding of you, of openness, of thinking of goodness foremost.

I spent the morning with my parents and the afternoon with Leica and I am so, so grateful for this. I thought about you of course, but they are loving and peaceful thoughts (mostly). Even as I’m typing this, I’m feeling a little tired and consider just sleeping, but I would like to wait for you till you came home

A fear that I’ve been having is that you no longer love me or that you love me less than I love you.

- BUT LISTEN TO THIS: 

- If a person no longer loves me; it’s okay because there has existed a time when they love you and you shared that love; YOU love yourself, YOU have other loved ones who love you, GOD LOVES YOU and will never let you down

- If you say a person loves you less than you love them, how do you quantify love? If this is true, this does not remove the fact that they love you still

Summary:

- you texted me around 10 PM est to tell me you are going home and that you’ll be home in an hour, and that you’ll message me when you get home, and that you’ll sleep in the subway; you shared with me a photo of the board game and updated me on the game results; “Talk to you soon my love 💙”

- you texted me when you got home, showered, and then asked to call me

- we talked about your day, you’re so happy telling me how you won a 4 hour game and double the points of the second best player; i found this really sexy and told you i’m happy for you; you talk a lot during boardgames and scream a lot too

- you asked me to tell you about my day too I really appreciate this, because I would like to share with you because you are curious too. I told you about hanging out with my parents and eating at the carinderia and then meeting my cousin and walked a lot while she plays POGO

- i suggested again that we don’t do the croissants the next day so you can have time to yourself after being so tired from boardgames; you said awww and agreed that it’s better

- we talked about our plans for Sunday - you will study, your brother will probably visit; I told you I will go to cat shelter and then go to the market later

- You told me you read the card and you’re resisting reading the letter because you are confident the actual letter will arrive; you told me you will read it, i told you it’s okay and not to worry because it is yours now (I gave it to you)

- We couldn’t have sex because your mom was awake playing games; I told you I can’t anyway because i’m so sleepy; i told you I have my period and my period won’t stop us having sex

- We sleep together and you turn off your alarm, trusting me to wake you up in the morning; i told you that it’s okay if you don’t have your earphones, I will hang up and call you; you told me that I’m so smart I really appreciate this, you just trusting it on me to wake you up

I’m writing today so I don’t forget the things you said to me to yesterday and how secure and happy you make me feel.

Yesterday after sending you the Goodnight audio, you sent me a message after about 6 minutes. You were sleeping because you felt tired and sleepy after helping your friend with the software. You told me that you were working on a web forum and it was different for you because it’s not the usual work you do.

You explained that you are a software developer (I know this), you prefer to be called developer than programmer too. I asked you for more details on what your area of expertise is, and you summarized it as a C# developer and currently focus on backend stuff. Lots of problem solving. I’m glad I asked and now know a little bit more.

You already slept and woke up, then you listened to my audio message, and then you asked to call me.

We call and you said you’re welcome, in response to my thank you for you being so supportive. You said that there is no need to thank you, because it is a given and that I can count on you. I say the same to you, and explained that I like to express thanks. 

I was able to open up to you a bit and shared with you that I’m hoping to be able to get at least about 2 more weeks of time off from work to work on myself and spend time with my loved ones. You are so supportive and so understanding. You assure me that there is no need to feel guilty. You were worried how this would affect my work, and I assured you that it will not affect my work. 

We talk more and you start sharing videos with me, videos that you watch whenever you want to laugh: the slowed down kermit video, the brazilian watching style comic by the paulo artist, the game grumps wheel of fortune video, the kimk come back video...

We laugh and laugh, I love laughing together with you.

What prompted that wheel of fortune video was us talking about names, starting with you sharing the paulo name with the artist, and me asking you if you would change henrique (since you don’t like it - but you wouldn’t since your mom gave you the name and you don’t want to make her sad), and me trying to remember the name that’s so popular in brazil nowadays (it’s enzo - i asked for first and second letters, then last letter, and then number of letters, and you keep laughing because the name is so short that you would give the whole name if you gave so many clues, and we laugh so much because it took me a long time to get it).

Also... I want to put this on record because I want to remember it, it’s something we talked about a few days back.

Some memories you shared with me from your childhood:

- when your mom bought you the bookset at school after saying that you don’t have the money to, she went to school, gave the money and then left without saying anything - and they said that you never asked them for anything and it’s the first time you did - this made you feel their love for you

- when your sister dropped you off the airport when you visited her in Argentina - you felt really cared for 

- when she got married - you cried at the end of the party because that’s when you realized that she would go away and things would change

- when your brother got married and you were the last person he patted at the back of the church

- you also told me that you moved about 9 times until coming to the new house which you’ve lived in since (either 2005 or 2009- I think it’s 2009) -  you seem to have loved that guava house a lot since it was big and you moved to a small place in downtown - we also talked about you having to move here (and you say that that’s a different scenario)

I also shared some moments with you when I feel really loved 

- the new balance shoe story (which i already had told you about)

- when I was at the school bus during first week of school in Canada and cried seeing my dad walking to the bus stop to go to work because it was the first time I’ve seen him go to work - it made me feel so loved because it was when things clicked, that they have really moved their entire lives to give me a good future

We talked until we were both so sleepy. You had an alarm for 6 AM (and you insisted on keeping it because you already slept a lot). When the alarm came on you asked to sleep again and I start laughing, you were saying shuutuup in such a funny voice as I laugh, and I tell you that I’m laughing at both of us. We both decided to go back to sleep. I woke up before you and I had to go because it’s Father’s Day today.

We didn’t talk for the whole day, and at around 5 PM you sent me an audio message to say hi and to tell me that your cousin is visiting and you will spend the rest of the day playing games and eating pizza with him. 

I’m very grateful that my feelings of secure attachment is getting reinforced by my own emotional growth and also by you being reassuring with me.

The whole day today I was not constantly checking my phone for your messages as I was preoccupied with my own activities and thoughts that does not necessarily involve you. I’m really grateful. I’m really happy about receiving your audio message, because I like audio messages and I enjoy hearing your voice, and this message is reassuring and you tell me you love me.  I really appreciate this audio.

You said you would try to send a photo of the pizza but will not promise because you often forget. I will be okay if you forget to send it, and would express how much I love it if you don’t. 

Right now, I am anticipating you messaging me to say goodnight, but I will be okay if you don’t. I would feel disappointed, and I would let you know about it in a positive and non-blaming way (I will approach it with kindness). But I will be okay regardless. This is me practicing “Do not take anything personally”.

I am writing this so I can make sense of how I feel, to be aware, to understand why I’m feeling like this, what I’m afraid of, what’s beneath this fear, to heal myself from these fears, and to prevent these negative feelings from affecting our relationship

In the past few days I’ve been feeling a sort of insecurity regarding our relationship, and I am aware that this is likely due to the state of my own feelings, and to certain triggers of negative emotions. I’d like to discuss some points

- I feel that recently you have not been vocal about saying I love you to me. Although, on Monday June 10th, you did send me an audio with you telling me you love me, you call me My love a lot more these days, and even if you haven’t said it as much as I am used to, you put more effort for us these days (for example: telling me that it’s okay that some days I am not okay, you still want to be with me, telling me that you are here for me, wanting to spend time with me as soon as you get home from work, sleeping together) --- THIS IS A REMINDER TO MYSELF - You love me, this is how it feels like, you care for me and you want to spend time with me.

- Recently it feels like we have not had as much sex as before (this can be explained by us feeling more tired, putting more into talking until we fall asleep, your parents’ door being open, your parents being home more than before --- although, you sent me audio of you cumming after watching my videos on Wednesday June 5th) --- On Wednesday night June 12th, we did manage to have a quick intimate session, i wanted to suck your cock and made you cum after asking you to be quiet; On Friday night June 14th, you apparently got to excited after we started talking dirty and talking about that things we will do to each other and we could not stop. You came twice. This morning I woke you up while I was masturbating and you woke up to me moaning. It feels so good. We start to talk about what we’re going to do to each other again. 

- When you take a while to reply somehow I compare it to how we were in the beginning when we can’t seem to stop talking to each other.  But I have to recognize that the reason why we don’t do that anymore is we now both feel more secure in the relationship. And perhaps the reason why in the past few days I’ve been feeling almost restless wanting to talk to you all the time and feeling anxious when you don’t reply promptly--- is my own insecurities.

I am well aware that I do trust you very much and that you trust me too, and that despite this trust, I still have some fears. 

To put it simply, I fear losing a person that I love. I fear being betrayed by the person that I love and them not being honest with me.

The reason for this fear is simple of course, who wants to lose something or someone they love? No one. There is also the fear that I invest in something and risk on something and it doesn’t yield the return that I need and want. This is normal.

However, what is causing this fear? 

I think that the answer lies within myself. I have some insecurities about myself currently, and I am not giving as much love to myself as I usually do. 

Here’s what I have in mind to heal myself:

- Invest in myself, self-care, positive growth

- Eat healthier, go to the gym everyday, spend more time with my loved ones, spend more time on activities that enrich myself

- Take care of my relationships by taking care of my emotional state first

- Practice the Four Agreements “Be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, always do your best”

Doing and practicing all of this will put me at peace and at ease because it would mean that I am doing my best, and I am giving my best to the people I love. If the relationship flourishes, then it’s great, if it doesn’t, then I’ve done my best and I would not have regrets.

My promise to you, My Love: I will always communicate with you how I feel and not make assumptions, I will communicate with you after I make sense of the feelings (meaning, I will no explode on you without thought), I will always make you feel my love, I will always appreciate the ways that you love me.

This week:

- You have been cooking while talking to me. I appreciate this since it allows us to spend time together even while you’re doing something that you enjoy.

- I woke up in the middle of the night because of the noise coming from outside your street, I called, Babe, and you understood without me asking ---  you got up and closed the window without saying anything --- I thanked you and I thanked you again in the morning. 

- You telling me that you want to be with me, even on the days that I don’t feel 100%. I told you the same.

- This is more from last week, around the time that my cousin’s baby was born, we talked about having children - and we joked about waking up in the middle of the night to take care of it - you half joked that we should just have pets - and we discussed that I’m not sure if I want to and we agreed that we should only have children when we are ready. I appreciate this because it’s important that we can have conversations like this about our future.

- You telling me that this week is a normal week for you, but you really enjoyed discovering the marble machine videos, and also the peaceful cooking videos. We laugh about you saying that there was nothing special about your week, except for me, I joked about how it was a nice save, and you said it isn’t a save. I really appreciate that because it makes me feel your love. 

- I think I discovered that I really appreciate using words to affirm feelings. 

In the afternoon today, before I went to the Filipino event, I sent you a sexual message. You responded to me with audio messages. At this point I had a feeling that you had already started to help your friend with the software. You continue to send me the audios, they are more rushed than usual. I really appreciate that you still take the time to do something that you know will make me happy. 

Right now I’m getting ready for bed and you haven’t responded to me since I sent you a message of me going home. I think I will try to wait for you until 10:15 PM here, but if not, I will just send you an audio message to say Goodnight, and also to say thank you for your support.

I am so thankful today because I am learning to take back my freedom and my sense of self again.

I love you, and I love myself.

It has been a while since I wrote anything here. And it’s because of a few things, 1, I’ve been feeling exhausted, 2, mental health priorities, 3, busy, 4, all my other free time i spend with loved ones and with you, 5, we are doing so well. And I think this post is a reminder of all the good things we experience, no matter how small they are. 

I was prompted to write this because I was having some overthinking/anxiety over the fact that I did not get to tell you that I love you this morning/I was waiting for you to say it first/I said it first yesterday.

All of these feel so irrational, and just over thinking. Because it forgets the fact that you are calling me your love all the time. You always tell me that you love me. We don’t have to say it all the time, but we do need to feel it all the time. And I can feel it. You make sure that I can always feel your love.

Recent things that I appreciate and make me feel your love for me:

- Yesterday we video called while I was at the lakeshore, and you messaged me as soon as you woke up, without having read any of the other messages yet

- “Can I call you?” You wanting to talk every day even for just a little bit before sleeping, no matter how tired you are feeling

- When you want to wake up earlier so we can still have time to talk a bit in the morning after waking up

- You telling me I should sleep more every time, and today you kept pushing me to sleep more because I didn’t sleep enough yesterday

- At this point, as sleeping together is just normal for us, and I really appreciate that we can do this. When your brother was sleeping over at your house last weekend, you were feeling apologetic that we couldn’t sleep together

- The audios you sent me the previous wednesday - you telling me you’re happy after telling you that I’m happy, you telling me that you’re happy after I told you that I thoroughly enjoyed the videos

- Yesterday, after telling you how sad I was feeling - you telling me that if you’re not replying I should just call you. When you told you no, you relented and said “Okay, if you NEED to.” (I told you the same)

- You telling me that it doesn’t matter, because there will be some days that I am sad, and you still want to be with me  (I told you the same)

- Us spending time together talking about every little thing 

- You teasing me about being a robot

- You telling saying “sunshine on sunshine”, referring to me being in sunshine, because I am sunshine, that’s really cute

- You telling me that you will reply to you messages (because I will be able to see you online), and they you will call me - I appreciate this so much because it reassures me, and you do it because you understand me

- That day you had to work overnight, and you sent me audio updates to make sure I don’t worry (that was on June 2nd, 2019), I really appreciate that

- When you shared with me what happened to your aunt, when you shared with me family gossip, when you shared with me things about your brother, when you shared with me things that worry you about your sister

I know your work is really busy right now, because there is a lot of work (even though it’s mindless work, which you don’t mind doing you said). So whenever I feel like you’re not putting effort, I just need to remind myself this. Because you are putting effort. Everyday I see it, I feel it, you don’t let me forget. 

I love yous do not always need to be said. Actions speak louder, effort speaks louder, love speaks louder. 

Yesterday I made you cum when you were already in bed (sucking your cock is always a good idea- I love hearing the oh fuck fuck fuck and your panting and your grunting). I told you to be quiet, and that I’ll be quiet too. I love the restrain. Asking you if you can control yourself once your cock is inside my mouth. I love that at first you are adamant you can control and then afterwards just telling me that you will fuck my mouth harder because you can’t control yourself.

You explained to me that you are okay taking the risk even when your parents’ door is open because when you took Nilo to their room, they were sound asleep. You said that you want to record a video for me with the glazed strawberries, and that today you hope your parents go somewhere, and you will just surprise me with an audio.

It’s funny because as I began writing this journal, after feeling some anxiety about us, your message came pinging on my computer screen, 

“Babeee I hope u re having q good morning too 😊”

You only took a peak and had to go back to work immediately after that.

That’s okay. Some days I’ll be busy, some days you’ll be busy. That’s okay, because what matters the most is that we both are making the effort to stay connected to each other.