#chldhdstrs

I’m writing today so I don’t forget the things you said to me to yesterday and how secure and happy you make me feel.

Yesterday after sending you the Goodnight audio, you sent me a message after about 6 minutes. You were sleeping because you felt tired and sleepy after helping your friend with the software. You told me that you were working on a web forum and it was different for you because it’s not the usual work you do.

You explained that you are a software developer (I know this), you prefer to be called developer than programmer too. I asked you for more details on what your area of expertise is, and you summarized it as a C# developer and currently focus on backend stuff. Lots of problem solving. I’m glad I asked and now know a little bit more.

You already slept and woke up, then you listened to my audio message, and then you asked to call me.

We call and you said you’re welcome, in response to my thank you for you being so supportive. You said that there is no need to thank you, because it is a given and that I can count on you. I say the same to you, and explained that I like to express thanks. 

I was able to open up to you a bit and shared with you that I’m hoping to be able to get at least about 2 more weeks of time off from work to work on myself and spend time with my loved ones. You are so supportive and so understanding. You assure me that there is no need to feel guilty. You were worried how this would affect my work, and I assured you that it will not affect my work. 

We talk more and you start sharing videos with me, videos that you watch whenever you want to laugh: the slowed down kermit video, the brazilian watching style comic by the paulo artist, the game grumps wheel of fortune video, the kimk come back video...

We laugh and laugh, I love laughing together with you.

What prompted that wheel of fortune video was us talking about names, starting with you sharing the paulo name with the artist, and me asking you if you would change henrique (since you don’t like it - but you wouldn’t since your mom gave you the name and you don’t want to make her sad), and me trying to remember the name that’s so popular in brazil nowadays (it’s enzo - i asked for first and second letters, then last letter, and then number of letters, and you keep laughing because the name is so short that you would give the whole name if you gave so many clues, and we laugh so much because it took me a long time to get it).

Also... I want to put this on record because I want to remember it, it’s something we talked about a few days back.

Some memories you shared with me from your childhood:

- when your mom bought you the bookset at school after saying that you don’t have the money to, she went to school, gave the money and then left without saying anything - and they said that you never asked them for anything and it’s the first time you did - this made you feel their love for you

- when your sister dropped you off the airport when you visited her in Argentina - you felt really cared for 

- when she got married - you cried at the end of the party because that’s when you realized that she would go away and things would change

- when your brother got married and you were the last person he patted at the back of the church

- you also told me that you moved about 9 times until coming to the new house which you’ve lived in since (either 2005 or 2009- I think it’s 2009) -  you seem to have loved that guava house a lot since it was big and you moved to a small place in downtown - we also talked about you having to move here (and you say that that’s a different scenario)

I also shared some moments with you when I feel really loved 

- the new balance shoe story (which i already had told you about)

- when I was at the school bus during first week of school in Canada and cried seeing my dad walking to the bus stop to go to work because it was the first time I’ve seen him go to work - it made me feel so loved because it was when things clicked, that they have really moved their entire lives to give me a good future

We talked until we were both so sleepy. You had an alarm for 6 AM (and you insisted on keeping it because you already slept a lot). When the alarm came on you asked to sleep again and I start laughing, you were saying shuutuup in such a funny voice as I laugh, and I tell you that I’m laughing at both of us. We both decided to go back to sleep. I woke up before you and I had to go because it’s Father’s Day today.

We didn’t talk for the whole day, and at around 5 PM you sent me an audio message to say hi and to tell me that your cousin is visiting and you will spend the rest of the day playing games and eating pizza with him. 

I’m very grateful that my feelings of secure attachment is getting reinforced by my own emotional growth and also by you being reassuring with me.

The whole day today I was not constantly checking my phone for your messages as I was preoccupied with my own activities and thoughts that does not necessarily involve you. I’m really grateful. I’m really happy about receiving your audio message, because I like audio messages and I enjoy hearing your voice, and this message is reassuring and you tell me you love me.  I really appreciate this audio.

You said you would try to send a photo of the pizza but will not promise because you often forget. I will be okay if you forget to send it, and would express how much I love it if you don’t. 

Right now, I am anticipating you messaging me to say goodnight, but I will be okay if you don’t. I would feel disappointed, and I would let you know about it in a positive and non-blaming way (I will approach it with kindness). But I will be okay regardless. This is me practicing “Do not take anything personally”.