FLastTBNS

Not because I was having a bad day & not because it was “hard.” I didn’t bawl like a baby I just had to take a deep breath and let a few tears out

Because as a student (a first semester student!!) I had to advocate so damn hard for a patient who apparently, all the staff who are supposed to be mentoring me, have forgotten is a human being.

41 y/o f GSW to the head in 2005, TBI as a result, pretty major cognitive impairment. Came in through our ED when she because aggressive/violent towards her roommate at her group home. Placed on neuro floor because group home refuses to take her back & no beds in psych. Basically no one knows why she lashed out.

Her speech is almost incomprehensible. Unless you PAUSE AND LISTEN.

She’s impulsive unless you PAUSE, LISTEN & give her CHOICES.

I saw her nurse yell, berate, and intimidate her to the point of tears today. (A male nurse who stood over her shouting as she sat on the commode)

I saw a cna yank her arm and not listen when she asked for a procedure to stop.

I saw healthcare providers all day who minimized her, treated her as invisible, pretended she wasn’t there, didn’t matter, and was a burden, while making jokes and rude comments at her expense.

I also saw her smile, laugh, engage me, talk to me about her life, allow me to do a full neuro assessment on her, she got up and went around the unit with me smiling from ear to ear.

When I left today she bawled. She said please don’t leave me with them, don’t leave me with them and I heard her nurse say “she’s getting agitated I’m getting Ativan”

I was disgusted and sad. I spoke up loudly for her all day. I tried to make her feel important. She’s so much more aware than they realize. I engaged her as a person. Perhaps if “they” paused for just one moment to address the anxiety the Ativan wouldn’t be needed.

She’s only 10 years older than me. She’s been bounced around 10 group homes in 10 years since the GSW. She’s not a ward and doesn’t have a guardian, she’s trying to navigate this earth without an advocate, in a society where she is invisible.

I got told today by my instructor that I have a calling for working with the people no one else wants. She says I need to work with castoffs of society. That I have a gift for seeing patients as whole beings not one dimensional diagnoses.

I needed to hear those things from an instructor I respect so much. I do love the weirdos, the rejects, the “annoying” patients, the voiceless, the burdens. Those are my people.

What I’ve Learned after 3 months of being a nurse

There is no pressure like being in the code of a 23 year old you were talking to 20 minutes ago while their mother stands in the door way begging you to save them.

There is no silence like the one at the nurse’s station while everyone is gloved up and waiting for the arrival of the fire department that just called to report they’re on the way with someone in full cardiac arrest. 

It’s easier to tell your friends about the funny stories and the funny patients. You keep the sad ones to yourself. 

It’s hard to get someone to care about following up with a primary care physician to get further care and medication refills when they don’t know where their next meal is coming from.

Psych patients make thanking God for waking you up in your right mind a completely different thing. 

Other peoples struggles can make yours seem so small.

The screams of the family who just lost their loved one will ring in your ears for hours…sometimes days. 

Nursing is NOT passing meds and listening to heart beats, its giving your all during a code and still pulling something out of yourself to hold a grieving family member and understanding your emptiness does not compare to theirs.

I’ve learned to stop praying for things to go right but instead to pray for the strength to handle anything that may come way.

Some patients will make it hard to care about them, others will make it hard to let them go. 

I haven’t learned this yet but I’m practicing leaving all of these things at the exit door of the emergency room. So that I can exist outside of work.

Systolic Heart Failure: Can’t Squeeze

Diastolic Heart Failure: Doesn’t Relax