Wings for 9 Cents

This week I realized it was getting really bad. The little voice inside my head had hinted at it in the past, and it became more and more frequent until it happened twice this week. Unfortunately I can't fill you in on all the details, because I was blackout drunk. It has happened twice inside 7 days and that's where my wake-up call began. I proceeded to slam a bottle of wine inside an hour.

The following morning I woke up with that all-too-familiar sinking feeling. All the questions racing through my mind, "What happened", "How did that get there", "What did I say", "What am I going to do"? It made me sick, but in these situations I've got accustomed to just ignoring the fact I got that wasted. If I acted like it never happened, maybe everyone else would too. It's been working for me for the past few months, but this week it all came crashing down.

I went downstairs, head pounding and stomach curling. I made it to the couch, tried to numb my brain with a little TV when my mom came in. She sat down next to me and asked me, "How much of last night do you remember"?

Was I really that obvious? I cringed. "All of it" I lied. Gut reaction.

She proceeded to lecture me, and question my motives. I could feel what little confidence I had quickly drain away with every word she threw at me, along with my dad's passing comments as he entered the conversation.

Hello all, so I'm writing today because I've hit the proverbial "bottom". This year has been full of ups and downs, never a dull moment. It has not been one large significant event that has made me start to type, but a mixture of life that has created a rather revolting shit-stew. I was always able to process things better through the written word, the black "ink" and white page float around in my head and somehow it suddenly all makes sense; whatever was muddled before instantly becomes clear.

So many things have changed in just 12 fast months. Seems like only yesterday it was January 1st and time to start fresh. And boy have I really made a mess of things this year. Started with a DUI and jail time (what every growing college students needs), and its ending with me being employed 40hrs a week and taking 14 credits for my degree.

I've noticed a lack of joy in my life. I hate my job and the customers I am forced to interact with. School went from what got me out of bed in the morning to a droning dull monotony. I found myself getting easily bored, with everything. Nothing, not my boyfriend, not my favorite TV show, not reading a book made me happy anymore. So I turned to the sweet caress of alcohol. That worked for a while, but now it's becoming destructive (details to follow).