Hänsel and Gretel
There was once a family that was unlucky enough to live in a time when the money was becoming worthless. Also, young people’s hair was too long, the government was stupid and everyone was having sex the wrong way.
“Soon we’ll move to Italy if things keep going like this!” said the father in the evening, like so many times before. He had never been to Italy. “It’s impossible to live in this insane country! Taxes are too high and the government doesn’t listen to us little people! There’s no more common decency! Things were so much better when I was a boy!”
“Maybe we should murder the children.” said his wife thoughtfully.
“What.” said her husband.
“What.” said the children. The mother realized she had forgotten that they were still there.
“You little brats, off to bed with you, NOW!” she yelled. “It’s late and the adults want to talk about grown-up things!”
The children went to bed but now it was difficult to sleep.
“I think mom doesn’t like us much,” said the boy, Hänsel.
“Oh really, thanks, Captain Obvious.” answered Gretel, who had the brain the siblings shared in her head at the moment.
“But do you think she really wants to kill us?” asked Hänsel in a scared voice.
“Maybe… maybe. Do you remember Boris?”
“Our brother who got sick and now lives by the North Sea, where he likes it so much that he never visits us?”
Gretel took the brain from her head and gave it to Hänsel. He put it in his skull, thought for a bit and suddenly looked even more scared. They lay in the dark for a while.
“I only hope that she won’t torture us before she kills us.” said Hänsel.
“She wouldn’t do that!” said Gretel. “It hurts to be tortured! She wouldn’t want to hurt her children like that!”
Hänsel rolled his eyes. He sort of preferred when his sister had the brain.
In the morning, Hänsel still had the brain. While Gretel hugged their mother and said good morning, he looked at her suspiciously. The father looked nervous, but pretended to be happy.
“My dear children, I think we should go to the forest today!” he beamed.
“I love the forest!” smiled Gretel.
“You’re a lumberjack.” said Hänsel. “And compulsory schooling doesn’t exist yet. We go to the forest with you every day.”
“Hahaha, Hänsel, you’re so smart when when your sister lends you her brain!” the father laughed and petted his head.
–
Ten hours later, Gretel had had the brain for a while already. She felled yet another tree and yelled: “WATCH OUT! TREE FALLING!” The father wouldn’t let any child who didn’t have a brain handle the axe. That had, after all, been how gramps had died.
“But why can’t I fell trees!” Hänsel whined. The father sighed. The memory function was of course also part of the brain.
“BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO DUMB!” Gretel yelled. Killing living creatures made her happy and excited. The father thought that she’d have made a fine lumberjack, but unfortunately, he had to murder her and her brother now.
He went over to his daughter and took the axe from her hand. It was time. But when he looked into his children’s shining eyes, at their red cheeks, their small, fragile bodies, he hesitated. It was harder than he had thought to murder one’s own small, smiling children. Also, while it was true that they didn’t have much to eat, it would be even harder to survive without the children’s labour. But his wife had been very clear. The children had to go.
He looked at the axe. At the children. At the axe. At the children. And he made a decision.
“I’mgoinghomedon’tcomeaftermeormomwillkillyoukthxbye!” he said as quickly and mumblingly as possible and ran away.
The children looked at each other.
“Did you understand that?” Gretel asked.
“Huh?” Hänsel asked, who was currently eating a worm.
“No matter… let’s go home. I’m hungry.”
“I’m hungrier!” yelled Hänsel.
“Yes, because you tore your lunch into tiny pieces and threw it away on our way here in the morning!”
“Not my fault. Had no brain.”
“Good point. Maybe I should carry your lunch tomorrow.”
“Or I could have the brain..?”
“But Hänsel. You’ll get the brain at night, when we sleep. I’ll get it when the sun is in the sky. That way, it’s fair.”
“Oh, yes, sure…”
“Let’s go home now. It’s the same path as every day, we can easily find it without dad…”
An hour later, they arrived home. Hänsel had become so annoyed by Gretel making fun of his stupidity that, their parents not being there, he had wrestled her for the brain and won. Afterwards, Gretel had found and eaten some of Hänsel’s lunch on the way, but both were still hungry.
“What the fuck!” The mother was angry. “Why are you here again? I thought dad was supposed to murder you in the forest?”
“I thought you were joking!” the father said. He hadn’t thought that at all, not for a single second, but couldn’t think of a better excuse.
“We’ve been married for thirteen years, shouldn’t you know me better? I never joke when it comes to murder. But it doesn‘t matter. You can try again tomorrow. And maybe try to bring some lumber home then, too.”
“I’M HUNGRY!” Gretel insisted.
–
The next morning, Hänsel had the brain again and thus also carried their lunches. Today, it would be even more important than normal to not randomly tear up their sandwiches and yeet them into the bushes. They had planned it all out the night before, passing their brain back and forth a number of times. They had decided that it wasn’t safe for them at home anymore and they had to leave.
“Mom is evil and dad doesn’t dare oppose her. She wants to kill us and he won’t help us. It would be better for us anywhere.” Gretel had stated plainly.
“Then our only choice is to run away as soon as possible.” Hänsel had answered after carefully putting the brain into his head again.
Thus, they had taken all their dearest belongings and as much food as they could steal without their parents noticing - not much - and hidden them in Hänsel’s clothes. Now they followed their father as always.
“Ok kids, this tree’s gonna DIE today!” the father said and pointed at an innocent-looking tree. “Who has the brain?” Hänsel raised his hand. “Alright, good. And do you still have your lunch?”
“No,” Hänsel said quickly, because his father was staring at him a little too intently. “Gretel gave it to the birds and when I complained, she gave me a handful of stones to eat. I had to secretly drop them one by one on the way here while pretending to eat them.”
The father sighed and gave Hänsel the axe with no further comment. He sat down.
“Start working, son.” he said. “I’ll smoke one of my ‘cancer sticks’” - he rolled his eyes - “as your mother likes to call them, and then I’ll totally help you.“
He winked at Hänsel and that was the last thing he ever did.
“At least he won’t get cancer now.” said Hänsel and lowered the bloody axe. He put the fallen cigarette back into his dead father’s mouth.
“Of course he can!” Gretel said. “He’s still smoking!”
“Gretel… please, take the brain, or I’ll murder you too, long before we reach the next village.”
Gretel put the brain in her skull, stood silently a few moments, then she took Hänsel’s axe, smiled and said:
“You know what? I don’t feel like running away anymore. I’ll go kill mom, the evil monster. Then we can keep living at home.”
And she left without waiting for Hänsel’s reply.
Gretel marched home, kicked down the door and yelled: “YIPPI-KAY-YAY, MOTHER!”
The mother froze. She’d been busy making loads of candy, cake and biscuits she had meant to eat by herself in secret. Every flat surface was covered in sweets. Now she stood in front of the oven and looked at her raging daughter, who wielded a bloody axe.
“Gretel!” she said and forced herself to smile. She was evil, but not entirely stupid. “Now you have ruined the surprise, what a pity! I wanted to surprise you all with a little feast when you come home from the forest in the evening to say sorry for wanting to murder you. But if you want, you can try the - hey, why are you grabbing me by the hair and wh- AAAHHH MY ARMS WHY WOULD YOU HEW OFF MY ARMS, HOW WILL I EAT COOKIES WITHOUT ARMS?”
“NO ARMS, NO COOKIES!” Gretel yelled and pushed her mother into the oven. The mother yelled and screamed and burned and died terribly.
Gretel stood panting when Hänsel arrived.
“How good it smells!” he said. “Are we having meat today?”
Gretel gave him the brain. He was quiet for a while, then he took a deep breath and smiled.
“Well done, sister.” he said. “Now a better time will begin for us. Without parents, we will perhaps earn enough money to buy a second brain.”
“What’s a brain?” asked Gretel. Hänsel grinned and kissed her cheek.
