Licking his lips and swallowing after giving his man the most insane head to ever been given I said oh I'm sure

Give me an Ilya who absolutely loves Shane's parents. Who feels loved so so much. Who enjoys spending time with these people and cant stop marvelling at how well they've taken his and Shane's relationship, how quickly they've accepted him into their lives, how readily they carved a spot out just for him, how genuinely they love and care about him.

But it's not quite enough.

And he feels guilty about it and he hates himself and he thinks he's too greedy, too selfish, always wanting more, never having enough, never satisfied. But-

But.

No matter how much they love him, no matter how much he loves them. Yuna and David are not his. Not really. They're Shane's. Always have been, always will be. And while they could never even contemplate it and Ilya would sooner cut an arm off then put them in such a position (and it's not like he wouldn't want them to make the same decision anyway, he would make it too), if they had to choose between Shane and Ilya, they would choose their flesh and blood son over him any day.

There's this degree of separation. Minuscule, certainly, but it feels like a chasm sometimes. The knowledge wedged firmly between Ilya and the Hollanders that he is not theirs and they are not his.

Because Yuna brushes his curls out of his face with a fond, squinty eyed smile when he's being particularly sweet to her and Ilya’s heart pangs with faded, barely there memories of his mother doing the same when he was a child.

Because Shane rolls his eyes at her and groans about how embarrassing she's being and a small part of Ilya is jealous, just for a moment, because Irina isn't there to be embarrassing to Ilya anymore and he aches and he wants.

Because David listens to Ilya rant over a bowl of ice cream about how he fucked up during the Cens' last game and the man smiles kindly at him as he pats his shoulder gently and tells him, "You'll get it right next time, son," and Ilya has to blink really hard and shovel some more ice cream in his mouth so he doesn't start bawling because even when he played well, his father never had a kind word to say to him.

Because Shane scooches his chair closer to David's at the breakfast table so he can look over that day's crossword and work on it together, and Ilya's brow furrows, heart heavy, as he wonders why his father could never be bothered to include Ilya in anything he liked, why he never tried to show an ounce of interest in the things Ilya liked.

Because the thing is... having a second family, a soul family, a found family, is great. It's the greatest gift on earth. And it matters so fucking much. But there will always be a part of you that wishes you'd had that from the start, that can't help but wonder why you got saddled with the parents who didn’t care or why your own had to leave you so soon or what you did wrong as a child to get what you got but right as an adult to have now what you didnt then.

Give me an Ilya who loves the Hollanders and has a family in them and knows it but who can't help but feel like an outsider still at times, at random moments when something they do just hits this side of wrong and it makes Ilya want to cry and hide.

And give me a Shane, a Yuna, a David who hold him through it and love him just as fiercely and unconditionally as before, who don't hold it against him.

Give me a Shane who feels so broken up about it, so irrationally guilty for having had such wonderful parents his whole life, who tells Ilya one day, very quietly with tears in his eyes, "If I could give them to you, I would."

And give me an Ilya who snaps his head up with a terrified look in his eyes and scrambles to hold Shane's face tightly between his palms as he says, firmly, "No, Shane. I would not wish this on you. Ever. Not you." Because he'd rather feel like this forever than have Shane know even a tenth of the pain of not having parents (good ones or not at all).

What Ilya thinks was happening: passionate, steamy, soul-bonding kind of sex that he and Shane had

Hayden: What?

Shane: 'Yes.' He said 'Yes'.

Hayden: What a fucking asshole.

Shane: I know, right? I can't believe I'm going to sleep with him.

Hayden: I mean...you don't have to.

[Image: the face of a man who's about to get what he's longed for.]