hi:)

did not eat

new hyperfixation and no time for it

have not done a creative in 24 hrs

Bad Sounds

clothes are touching my body

cold

people

one (1) comment is stuck in my brain like a popcorn kernel

last time I drank water was ??????

nervous nervous nervous nervous

got a Slightly Worse grade than expected

last hug was ??????

slept a full 45 minutes

lonely ............

guts are shredding (again)

have not seen sunlight in 24 hrs

stuck inside

too much screen time

Yay Overwhelm

room is disaster area

have not talked to Person in a while

bored

imposter phenomenon (again)

no current routine

how long have I been working???

Too Much Socialization

and then. and THEN. I may consider:

if it isn't actively bad or harmful, no representation should be called "too simple" or "too surface level"

I have a whole argument for this about the barbie movie but today I wanna talk about a show called "the babysitters club" on Netflix

(obligatory disclaimer that I watched only two episodes of this show so if it's super problematic I'm sorry) (yes. I know it's based on a book, this is about the show)

this is a silly 8+ show that my 9 year old sister is watching and it manages to tackle so many complex topics in such an easy way. basic premise is these 13 year old girls have a babysitting agency.

in one episode, a girl babysits this transfem kid. the approach is super simple, with the kid saying stuff like "oh no, those are my old boy clothes, these are my girl clothes". they have to go to the doctor and everyone is calling the kid by her dead name and using he/him and this 13 year old snaps at like a group of doctors and they all listen to her. it's pure fantasy and any person versed in trans theory would point out a bunch of mistakes.

but after watching this episode, my little sister started switching to my name instead of my dead name and intercalating he/him pronouns when talking about me.

one of the 13 years old is a diabetic and sometimes her whole personality is taken over by that. but she has this episode where she pushes herself to her limit and passes out and talks about being in a coma for a while because of not recognizing the limits of her disability.

and this allowed my 9 year old sister to understand me better when I say "I really want to play with you but right now my body physically can't do that" (I'm disabled). she has even asked me why I'm pushing myself, why I'm not using my crutches when I complain about pain.

my mom is 50 years old and watching this show with my sister. she said the episode about the diabetic girl helped her understand me and my disability better. she grew up disabled as well, but she was taught to shut up and power through.

If you donate money to NGOs, know that every cent counts. If you are not financially well off and can only donate a small amount, that is still a wonderful thing. Forcing yourself into a place of financial risk (like risking eviction or forgoing food or medical care) to feel like you’re “really” donating “enough” is an OCD compulsion. OCD is taking advantage of the discomfort and sorrow that we feel when something big and horrific is happening and there is little that we can do, and we have to sit with some of that discomfort and avoid falling into patterns of self-harm like what I described above in an attempt to escape from it. If you’re feeling hopeless and not caring for yourself, then you can’t help people at all! No one can single-handedly save the world, but we can do little things to make it that much less unpleasant.

Stuff that basically amounts to...

"You have to listen to my opinions on [issue], or else you don't care about [issue]. (Constantly talks about how people like you are the absolute worst.)"

Anything that's functionally like, "you have to let me tear you down over things you can't control or you're a bad person."

Anything that's functionally like, "you have to let me vent to you whenever and however I want or else you're a bad person."

"If you enjoy X media/trope, you just hate Y people."

"Everyone knows that X thing is harmful/hateful; if you engaged in it, it's just because you were fine with perpetuating hate/harm."

"You should have just known better/should know this already!"

This thread over here talks about the inherent issues of putting this kind of stuff out there. The TL;DR is that it really only works on people who are mentally unwell and have poor boundaries, while just pissing off everyone else. It really doesn't matter if you're technically correct; you're still attacking people, and that means they're not wrong to block you.

I think that many of these Saw traps are created when people effectively write posts directed toward people who don't want to help, rather than the ones who do. Like, if you catch yourself writing an angry, shame-laden post, ask yourself: who are you writing it for and what are the odds you're going to change their minds? If your mental image is some smug fuck or angry reactionary, you're writing for the wrong person. Write for the person who's curious, who's willing to learn.

Also? Work on figuring out how to transmute negative feelings into positive, encouraging rhetoric. EG:

"Why is there no X positivity?" -> "Let's hear it for X!"

"No one cares about Y problem!" -> "Hey, we need more recognition of Y problem" or "I haven't seen many people talking about Y problem, so here's some info on what's up."

"If you don't reblog this, you don't care about [group]" -> "Please reblog this, it would mean a lot for us [group]."

And if you're really super duper frustrated and want to vent with a lot of nasty words and sentiments? Consider taking it to a private vent channel or a journal or somewhere that a stranger with moral OCD/scrupulosity isn't likely to run across it.

I walk past a piece of paper. I don’t pick it up because I had a long day at work and it’s very cold outside. This then becomes my internal monologue:

I didn’t pick up that piece of paper, I should have. Don’t I care about the environment? It’s not my trash, I shouldn’t have to pick it up. But also that’s how these things happen right? We place the blame on others as our environment degrades. It was just a piece of paper, it’s not like it can do that much damage. But also how do I know: I’m not an environmental expert. Maybe stray paper scraps are killing the frogs. You’re literally killing the frogs. You should look up how many frogs die a year so you know how shitty you are-No stop it.

I care about the environment, and I recycle and I joined green activism movements but is that enough? I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I should donate my entire check to charity. But isn’t it self serving to think that my one check could help that much? Do I really think I’m that important, how self entitled and-no stop it, reset! You are obsessing and if you fall for it, you will not eat dinner. Let it go.

Okay it’s just a piece of paper. It’s okay you skipped it this once: it could have had something dangerous on it. Yeah that makes sense. But also, that means I’m putting my own safety over trying to help the environment, which is very selfish of me. I’m just one shitty person: god how could I be so self absorbed. I should have picked up the piece of paper. I’m so selfish, and shitty and-no, no, stop it! This is not helpful. It’s fine.

It’s been a long day and I’m cold, that’s not a crime- no that’s being selfish again, you’re making excuses. You’re just a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t care about others, and selfish and God the fact you’re thinking this much about one piece of paper shows how selfish you are, you care more about if you’re a good person than anything else, you’re a piece of shit, you’re a piece of shit, YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT.

I get home and open up Tumblr. The first post I see says “if you don’t reblog this post about the environment you’re as complicit as an oil billionaire.” I close my computer and resign myself to looking up the state frog populations until I go to bed.

I don’t eat dinner.

The claims the persecutor makes are legitimised by his inherent authority. He could say literally anything - he could claim that you are a bad person, that your drink is poisoned, that your action could lead to a loved one's death - and nobody is ever going to question the validity of his case. You are presumed guilty from minute one.

Sometimes, you are going to have to present a detailed, comprehensive file that not only disproves the persecutor's actual claims, but that also goes to great lengths to disprove potential claims that have not yet been made. You are going to spend hours reading this file out loud, word for word. You will find yourself rereading the paragraphs over and over again, as the judge is always perplexed by the implications hidden in your argument.

Other times, the judge will ask you to prove you are not guilty but carrying out specific physical tasks, but the worst thing he can do is sentence you to a temporary detention. He never specifies how long you will be there, he simply tells you that good behavior will help your case in the long run.

When a new day begins, the trial starts over. The judge wants the case to be perfect, he simply refuses to let go of it, and nothing you can do or say will ever be enough. And so you live your life according to the absurd rules of a cruel, merciless court that by design cannot ever be satisfied.

Then, one day, someone tells you that the case is meaningless. Apparently it's all a ginormous hoax. Nobody in the court is competent at their job, they are all there to punish you, regardless of what you have done or ever will do. You are told that you should simply ignore the whole thing. Hell is a room and the door is unlocked.

'Ignoring the whole thing' is one of the hardest thing you will ever try to do. The authority the court has over you has gone unquestioned for years and they instill such a profound terror in you that they are now able to manipulate you into staying.

If you have paranoia, especially paranoia involving someone besides you / your housemates being in the building. Specifically any worry about the paranormal.

CareforGaza is a nonprofit that provides direct aid to Palestine, and you can donate directly here

Operation Olive Branch is a document that lists evacuating families that need assistance, which gives information on the families, the urgency, and tracks the progress of their fundraisers

eSims for Gaza lists very clear instructions on how to purchase e-sims to keep them connected, they are urgently in demand

Here is a project that distributes feminine hygiene kits directly to Gaza

Mutual Aid Diabetes has channels set up for you to donate insulin and medication to diabetics in Gaza, as well as lists fundraisers for diabetics seeking to evacuate

It’s washing the dishes with gloves and a face mask so the smell and sensation doesn’t make you want to throw up

It’s the feeling of wanting to rip every item of clothing off your body and hover in mid air so nothing can touch you

It’s having to sprint to the bathroom after touching a piece of old chewing gum stuck under a desk because it’s like you can feel the bacteria slowly crawl up your fingers

It’s using half a tube of hair gel just so that there isn’t a single strand touching your neck or face

It’s having a screaming crying panic attack because there’s too much noise

It’s scrubbing your face raw to remove makeup because even if you’ve washed your face five times it still feels like it’s there deep in your pores

It’s washing your hands after the shower because they “feel dirty”

It’a individually plucking every single hair of fuzz off the side of your face with tweezers until your skin burns

It’s wearing clothing inside out all the time because of tags or seams

It’s feeling sick because you ate something with the wrong aftertaste

It’s clawing off your own skin with your nails because it has to be smooth with no scabs