Freakish Lemon

Shane (staring intensely at where puck is about to drop, with the most casual voice): So where're you from, originally?

Player (star struk and also confused enough to answer): uh- wh- um, Texas?

Shane: huh, not much hockey there, how'd you get into it?

Player(excited about talking hockey with Shane Hollander!): yeah, my uncle played for the Maple leafs.

Shane: oh, cool, does he still play?

Player: no, he only played two seasons.

Shane (kindly, like a kindergarten teacher): You might want to follow his lead on that.

reblog from twilekgirlinhumanworld: “but for real tho they sluts literally just watched a jedi make out with high priestess on a balcony and now we all have the day off lmao”

reblog from vintage-speeder-aesthetic: “um yeah this just gave me severe psychic damage because the only jedi i know about is that ancient little green dude who apparently saved my grandparent’s neighbor’s best-friend one time so my parents have to point him out whenever they’re are on the news so thanks i hate this.”

reblog from lothcatskysong: “the robes are for easy access”

reblog from rodirodian: “jedi are literally armed unregulated enforcers of a corrupt government and if you want fetishize them to make yourself feel like you’re not living in a dystopia honestly that’s valid have a good day”

reblog from notadroid77: “ok so i just called a jedi outreach center and asked if jedi could be sluts or if that was illegal and there was a long pause and they sighed and said ‘is this about a shirtless nautolan? or an auburn haired human?’ and then i panicked and closed the commlink because i didn’t think i was talking to a real person so can confirm there are at least two jedi sluts and also unrelated does anyone have any suggestions for changing your identity so jedi can’t track you down”

reblog from mandomilkmaid: “wait there are jedi outreach centers”

reblog from mrsnailracing: “average jedi sleeps with 1000 beings a year" factoid actualy just statistical error. average jedi sleeps with 0 beings per year. Red head human, who lives in pleasure palace & sleeps with over 10,000 beings per day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted”

reblog from fylk-moooons: “you know these are real people right? like these are actual sentient beings from an actual religious order that you’re talking about like they’re bad holofilm characters?”

reblog from princesssenatornerfherder: “@fylk-moooons thank you. ^this”

reblog from i-was-a-spaceship-once: “alrighty no one’s going to believe this but i SWEAR i live on coruscant and sometimes this one kiffar jedi stops in my shop (not telling you what shop because holonet creeps sorry) and he’s got a sense of humor and i finally worked up the courage to casually say ‘oh haha i learned abut jedi outreach centers in the weirdest way’ and he was like ‘oh really how?’ and i don’t know! i decided to risk it all!

and i showed him the thread and he burst out laughing, like there was a jedi laugh crying in my shop, people were staring, i was relieved at first but started getting nervous. eventually he stopped and LEGIT, swear to all the karking gods, this is what he told me: 

‘op is woke and also right, but some are really committed to the modest vibe because it’s unfortunately necessary for them to be treated seriously in the workplace. also if my friends didn’t want people to talk about them like bad holofilm characters then they shouldn’t act like bad holofilm characters so it’s fine. please tell um, ‘notadroid’ and ‘mrsnailracing’ that they just made my whole YEAR. also you can tell everyone that official jedi doctrine teaches that all sluts should be treated with respect and dignity, jedi or not.’ 

Years later, one of the rookie Centaurs brings up the map in conversation at a team party and mentions his favorite pin, an odd one at the Saskatchewan rink. Shane goes a little pale but lingers to hear, just in case. The rookie pulls it up on his phone and reads it out:

Irina who runs not to Canada hut the US with a bunch of Grigori’s papers and her sons. Irina who settles in upstate New York and becomes friends with the other single mom who’s working late nights to put her son through hockey.

Irina who becomes Scott’s legal guardian when his mother dies when he’s 12. Three years later Irina’s gone and Alexei fucks off back to Russia to keep their father at bay while Scott and Ilya are taken in by other hockey families (and separated).

Ilya who watches Scott get drafted to the Admirals and Scott who shows up three years later to watch Ilya get drafted to the Raiders.

Scott who knows his little brother, Ilya who knows his big brother, both unable to hide anything from each other.

Alexei who comes back with a baby girl and a useless degree and the news that Grigori's dead delivered like it's a final severing of a chain keeping him and Ilya (and Scott) apart. Alexei who moves to New York and works a boring job but always sits in Scott's seats (or Ilya's Boston ones when Scott's away/Alexei can make the trip).

Shane who knows Scott and Ilya and Alexei are brothers and thinks it's nice to have a big family, kinda wistfully.

Scott who 10000% hears his brother give Shane his room number at the All Stars game, knows things, and tells Shane a bunch of things abt who else is on the floor.

Alexei and Scott who hint at where Ilya's gone when he needs to get away at the awards getting increasingly direct until Shane manages to figure it out. Shane who, accidentally, ends up holding onto Alexei's daughter for a couple hours the next morning and Ilya decides "fuck it" and goes full tilt into wooing Shane.

Alexei who subtly probes Kip passing as a regular person at an Admirals game right up until the end of the game when he offers to drop Kip off and reveals he's Scott's brother.

2016 Shane and Ilya figuring their shit out instead of tuna meltdown and every holiday/vacation after comes with a blank invite for the trio of brothers (plus partners/child) to join the Hollanders. The first time Alexei's daughter calls Yuna and David Gramma and Grampa Hollander there's a lot of misty eyes.

Scott and Ilya who try to get their brother a wife who values him/loves him/loves his daughter. It doesn't really work bc he's terrified of losing another woman he loves and the three of them realize they've got Shit To Work Through as a result.

Scott and Alexei who are also founders of the Irina Foundation, talking openly about their moms.

Alexei and Scott (and niece) who get to be on the ice when Ilya wins in 2014, and Ilya and Alexei (and niece) who get to be on the ice for Scott's win in 2017. Alexei who offers a pair of ice spikes he bought (extra, just in case Kip and Scott felt brave) to Kip post-kiss bc he's always gonna do what he can to keep the people his brothers love safe.

Scott and Ilya who start the "good hockey players" group earlier and get Alexei to run it (and pay him ofc).

A phone call between Shane and Ilya that reveals their relationship and outs them both and Alexei reigns hellfire on the journalists and servers that outed them both.

2022's All Star Game, for the first time Ilya and Shane and Scott are on the same team. The meme is "oops all centres", made by Alexei, and it's fun.

There's a separate groupchat that someone accidentally added Cliff to and in that group chat someone is like "Hey does anyone else think it's super weird that Cap and Connors talk about eating pussy like all the time. Like they've gotta be capping. Or compensating for something. Like, nobody actually likes eating pussy like that."

"Hate to break it to you," Cliff tells them the next time they're all hanging out at Ilya's place, "But the boys put their heads together and now they think you're both gay for liking pussy too much."

Ilya rolls off the couch laughing. Connors says, "Fellas, if it's gay to eat pussy they're gonna have to put a new color on the rainbow just for me" and then won't stop saying it for the next week.

Unfortunately he’s too fast for his own good. One time during his rookie season the team lost him after he got drunk and left his phone and wallet with Hayden. He woke up next to a dumpster five kilometers from the bar they ended the night at and had to rely on the good will of some kind Canadians (who were fortunately fans) to get to the practice facility. It was the first and only time he was late to practice and the reason he never drinks during the season.