Moonie’s Diary

I was explaining

Then they fell asleep

During my explanation

I havent felt this unheard, this unimportant in a hot minute

I wanted to explain to them wanted them to understand and yet AND YET

She caused our host, the person she was in a relationship with, whom she said she loved, to split into a subsystem, and then additionally into four more pieces.

They’re kind of the same, mostly the same? We can’t tell. Our host is no longer, they’re moon, the one who’s diary this is supposed to be.

Since we have so little communication between parts, we don’t know what’s happening. We don’t know if they’re okay.

The two of them are no longer in a relationship. Before their last big split, Moon broke up with their girlfriend.

The ex is the one we don’t like in our partner system.

We wish we could tell her we hate her. We wish we could tell her that she sucks and broke one of the coolest people. We wish we could tell her that we wish she could feel even a little bit of the pain and suffering she gave to our ex host.

She raped our ex host, she made our ex host parent her, she was an awful person. Yes she’s getting better now, but she’s still awful.

There’s nothing we can say, however. Nothing to change how she acts.

Moon, if you see this, we hope you’re okay.

And if they do

Let me rot in my own hell

I will crawl my way out

But let me do it on my own

I’m done with this

I hope you have fun engraving

My bone above the grass

I keep thinking about the flipper and how you were going to help me set that up so I don’t have to pay for the train.

I miss you. It’s not even been a full day, just now hit 12 hours. That’s the thing though, I don’t miss you, I don’t miss the relationship, I miss the few moments where you didn’t hurt me.

Where I wasn’t fucking abused. Where your words didn’t sting and you didn’t play with my emotions like the trumpet you play so well. When I wasn’t hurt for asking for help.

I’m glad I left. Why would I force myself to stay? I needed you. I needed you to love me, and you didn’t.

I asked you countless countless times to actually care.

And yet when I break up with you? You say you want to fight for us, that you care, that you want us.

But you didn’t because when I asked you to care months ago? To stop hurting me? Nothing.

So I guess, here I am

Waiting

Hoping for the change

Because now we can’t talk to each other

They surprisingly didn’t fall apart

I’ve done so much emotional labour for them for so long it’s not even funny. I can barely function on my own now because of how much I’ve helped them.

Is this a bit my fault, the amount of disappointment I have, yes, because I thought I could help them get a lot better. I thought I could help, that if I supported them enough, it would work. But it seems that, obviously, it doesn’t work that way.

I became their parent, in a sense. Washing their dishes doing their laundry because they were piling up. Helping with their littles when they were scared.

But I’ve now gotten to the point where I can’t do that. Where I feel so drained and exhausted from helping them all the time with their breakdowns. All of them. They keep splitting and yet the new parts who seem to be there to help with things, don’t. I’m just so done with it.

I’m not done with them, i love them. My girlfriend is in their system. My adopted mother and brother are in their system.

But my adopted mother is breaking. She just split again last night, and their system won’t tell me anything other than she split and seems okay enough. Like what the fuck?!

I don’t know, I’m incredibly overwhelmed, I feel like I’m pushing myself past my breaking point.

I’ve in a sense neglected my own life to help them. But if they’re getting better because I am helping them, then they aren’t getting any better at all.

I need to tell them this. I need to. Yet I’m scared of hurting them. But they need to know that me breaking might be, and probably is, caused by them. They’re getting a better deal of this partnership then I/we are, and it’s really starting to show.

We need to separate more be around them less

It’s so bad it’s so bad it’s so bad

Ahhhhh!

All the time they see their girlfriend’s simply and because the girlfriend is depressed often, they feel bad that they can’t help or fix it

I don’t get it just stop you can care for her as much as you’d like but why?! Why feel the need to fix her

They see me as a safe space, which I enjoy. I love being safe for them. Yet they constantly use me as their only support.

They haven’t been doing a very good job lately and it makes me really really sad. I wish they would help each other out more.

Yet they keep forcing their host (my girlfriend) to do all the work and then they get upset at her for not being able to do it all as she’s overwhelmed from fronting and doing school and dealing with her abusive family.