85 pages of a

book in one sitting

My friend, are you in for a treat! The lake sturgeon, which is the sturgeon found in the Great Lakes, can grow to be two meters long and weigh 90 kilograms! It is the biggest fish found in the Great Lakes!!

But, see, the lake sturgeon isn’t the biggest sturgeon species. That would be the beluga sturgeon, which regularly grew to be four to six meters long before overfishing took a toll on their populations. Belugas are a lot younger on average nowadays — these fish can live to be over 100 years old — and seldom exceed three meters, but I mean, even that isn’t anything to scoff at. The very biggest beluga sturgeon ever caught was a jawdropping 7.2 meters long, and weighed 1 571 kilograms!! Other beluga sturgeons of such sizes have been caught too, and some unverified sources say that there has even been belugas that exceed 10 meters! They are the biggest freshwater fish in the world, and are up there among the biggest bony fishes in the world. That’s so big, it’s hard to even grasp or imagine. Seeing pictures of sturgeons puts it in a better perspective, I think. Here is a 800 kilogram sturgeon, a bit more than half of what the biggest sturgeon weighed:

Like, look at that. You see this?? That’s so fucking insane!!! Sturgeons never cease to amaze me with how… impossible they seem. These fish are like aquatic dragons or prehistoric beasts from days long gone, and in a way they are the latter! Sturgeons have been around as a group for over 160 million years, so they did indeed live in the age of the dinosaurs. Whenever I see pictures like this I can only wonder what the humans who first saw big sturgeons must’ve thought. I know what sturgeons are but I still have trouble grasping their gargantuan sizes, imagine seeing the dark form of a giant in the water and not having the faintest idea of what it is, or even that it's entirely harmless to humans.

Other sturgeon species are also very really big! The lesser-known kaluga isn’t that far behind at a maximum length of 5.6 meters and maximum weight of about a ton. Several white sturgeon that have exceeded three meters and even just shy of four meters and weighed over 400 kilograms have been caught, and the biggest, but unverified white sturgeon even caught was around six meters long and weighed 900 kilograms. The critically endangered Chinese sturgeon maxes out around five meters and 600 kilograms. All this to say, these old fishes are massive!!!

Fun fact: 50%-80% of people have HSV-1 (a type of herpes). 90% of people by 50 years old will have been exposed.

This one has to have been done, right?

but rocky and grace put the whole diplomacy thing in jeopardy by being too best buddy with it. like they're both really low level members of the mission. some engineer necessary for ship maintenance, and an obligatory molecular biologist they brought along in case they found more alien cells out in space. and these two guys like, somehow keep ending up hanging out essentially "at the back of the classroom." consistently left out of the actually important negotiations, and well, they're bored!

grace steals some laptops and starts jury-rigging his own personal translator for rocky, despite the fact that the official translation software is way quicker to learn and much more nuanced. rocky starts learning english, simplifies his eridian, and immediately starts mocking grace for needing the software. they start blabbing to each other about all the weird quirks of their respective cultures and advanced science their planets can do. the whole time they are ribbing each other about culture stuff. grace eats in front of rocky. rocky forces grace to sleep in a corridor somewhere so he can keep watch.

then stratt and the eridian leader find out and it's like

stratt: you. you've been meeting in private with a member of the eridian deligation?

grace: ... yyyes.

stratt: and you shared with them classified scientific documents?

grace: i... maybe gave him. a laptop. he's so smart! what was i supposed to do?

stratt: HIM? you've assigned male pronouns to a genderless species?

grace: he said he likes to match!

stratt: do you even know the name of this eridian?!

grace: i call him rocky :)

stratt: 😰

then on rocky's side of things it's like

eridian leader: sorry did you say you called the human after one of its digestive noises?

rocky: yeah :)

eridian leader: and. you've been telling it about how to make xenonite. one of our most vital trading resources.

rocky: yes yes, grace is very ignorant about basic chemistry 🙄

eridian leader: right. and you watch it sleep. despite the fact that all the human beings we have spoken to have described this as a cultural violation?

rocky: well he didn't like it at first but he came around!!

anyway both sides of the delegation are sweating profusely (metaphorically speaking) until they see rocky and grace in action and are like ohh! they're both freaks. we are not to blame for this. these two are just really bad at navigating cultural norms.

the one who actually

legally owns it

It's a chart of what each chemical element does in the human body, or in that of other organisms

EDIT 27-04-2025: corrected "Fe sulfate" to "Fe sulfide" in the sulfur box and added a note for titanium. See the DeviantArt link for more details.

The book of Kells is decorated

With all the pigments monks could mix

It’s full of peacocks, Celtic knotwork

Don't mind if I do!