Just Existing

This hits hard:/

I hate remembering things that I can't handle remembering. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

I just spent an hour crying my eyes out. I don't know if anyone has seen the video disney posted on YouTube ab Cam, but it's been in my suggestions & I avoided it like the plague. I was afraid to watch it. Bc I knew I was gonna cry & be heart broken. But for some reason I decided to watch it tonight. And I just still can't believe it.. I don't know what stage I'm at. Idk if I'm in anger or denial. Or both. And to be honest I don't know why his death had such a huge impact on me. I didn't know him irl. And I barely watched him as a kid. But everytime I think ab him I burst into tears. But I do know a reason why it does upset me, he was just a kid. Yeah he wasn't a teen or younger but he just barely started adulthood. He had his whole life ahead of him. And then he didn't. And even tho I know this happened for a reason. It's still unfair...(Hence the denial/anger part) it's just crazy to me. It doesn't feel real tbh. I feel like I'm still expecting to see him on tv. But I'm not. And that hurts. I don't know the point of this. I just needed somewhere to vent. One thing is, never take the people in your life for granted. You never know what'll happen. Thank you for reading.

Maybe it's me.

Here are some of the realest/deepest things that The Vampire Diaries have said throughout the show:

"Everyone gave up on me."

On a real note, do you ever just feel yourself get bad again? Like it's that feeling you get, when your alone, in your head. Your constantly thinking of the bad things. Mainly of the bad things about yourself. And you can't help it. Like you know you shouldn't be thinking this way again, you know that most of it isn't true but you just can't help it. It's those thoughts that just creep on you. That sit in the back of your head and wait for the right time. Where your the most vulnerable. Alone. I've been feeling myself get bad again. And I'm scared. I'm scared of that person. I'm scared of the person I used to be. I don't want to be like her again. I like being happy. But with these circumstances, it's just, hard. I just hope I can get through it again. I have to believe I will. Because it's the one of the few things I have keeping me grounded. If I don't have hope, then I might as well not have anything.

I think one of the worst breakups you can have is a friendship breakup. And sometimes it's not even a breakup. It's just that you two have distanced yourselves from each other to the point you don't talk anymore. Then one day they end up having a new best friend. And your left all alone, watching your old best friend have memories without you. And even tho your partly at fault for it, it still hurts anyways. But you move on because it's the only thing you know how to do. And you live with it. Because thats just what you do.

Me:

I'm just trying to breathe under water. It's not going so well.

It's like I'm between concrete and the dirt underneath it. And everybody walks. They walk and walk and walk. Not bothering to realize they're cracking the concrete. Not realizing they're breaking the hard exterior that will soon expose what's beneath. The more they walk, the more they break my shield. And I'm trying to keep myself together. God I'm trying. But no one else sees it. They just assume that I'm okay and continue to walk. And I just lay here, watching as everyone passes me by. Still breaking.