Team “Anyone But Edward”

could you imagine Edward Cullen at like...a high school football game?

getting dragged to an amusement park on senior ditch day

at some party and he has to pretend to be drunk to fit in with all the others

Mike, Eric, Tyler and Ben all start insisting on calling him Eddie

he goes on shopping trips with the girls because he's the only one with a running car that also has trunk space for their bags

he starts using his mind reading powers for The Gossip(tm) and Jessica is absolutely obsessed...finally someone with decent intell

God at some party everyone's lowkey high and they start playing truth or dare and Edward's using his powers to choose the least embarrassing option but Bella catches on and Edward Trusts Her so she picks him and he's expecting something tame like...truth what's your favorite color, dare kiss me or something lol but Bella looks him in the eyes and with no mercy dares him to strip tease while rapping an Eminem song. Mike films it. Edward didn't talk to her at all the next day lmao

they all go see a horror movie together and to Bella's absolute delight 1) it turns out to be a vampire movie and 2) Edward falls for every single jump scare

The Guys(tm) invite Edward to some weird bro bonding sleep over and Edward's expecting to be bored out of his mind without Bella but 3 redbulls, 2 video games and one ouija board session later they're all crying about their deepest fears to each other. Edward's telling them he's scared that if Bella marries him it will doom her eternal soul to hell but he can't live without her and they're like 'Eddie dude that's so specific calm down' 'have you considered therapy man??' 'bro you guys are 17'

Edward and Bella get roped into helping out with the senior prank and it goes t e r r i b l y. First time in half a century one of the Cullens have gotten suspended from school lmao

he sneaks Angela's little brothers candy every time they hang out at her house

Jessica begs him to tell her what Rosalie's skincare routine is but the vampire's don't even really have to shower they can just wipe stuff off and be good to go and he knows Nothing about skincare so he panics and tells her something absolutely batshit that nearly ruins her skin and Bella and Esme make him treat Jess to a spa day as an apology and Rose searches up everything on human skincare and buys some stuff for her

GOD can you imagine how helpful it would of been during eclipse to have completely non-objective friends chime in on the love triangle bullshit...Edward can vent about it without mentioning the vampire's and werewolves and they can tell him he's being dumb because she's clearly head over heels for him and is just friends with Jake

He's like 'but what if she stops loving me,,,' and they're like 'dude she's literally wedding planning with your sister and mom right now please shut the fuck up'

one day they plan a beach trip to somewhere other than La Push and it's cloudy enough that Edward should be fine if he keeps a shirt on and from then on the group has a mission: See Edward Shirtless. they go to LENGTHS. switching into his gym class. spilling things on him. begging Bella to take pictures for them. Good Christian Edward(tm) is scandalized but Bella thinks it's hilarious and keeps telling them he had crazy tattoos

Edward trying to fake pop culture knowledge to fit in but it's not working so he actually has to start paying attention to shit from the current decade and now he won't stop ranting to Bella about Harry Potter and he's very invested in Britney Spears' mental health

Edward trying to decode text talk and everyone makes fun of him bc he texts like a grandpa

Edward after one joint is on a full rant about how America should have handled the Spanish Influenza- like he has a detailed list of complaints and ideas- and everyone is like 'Bella I know he's rich but he's such a nerd Are You Sure you love him' skdjjdmd

1. He's got no rizz for the entirety of Twilight. Cannot believe that Bella still likes him after All That.

2. Finds out the girl he's crushing on likes him back and his first thought is to send her to a mental hospital

3. Stalks a girl and confesses to stalking her (this charms her????)

4. Blinded by love, he makes zero good decisions in New Moon. Complete buffoonery.

5. Tortures himself and is shocked to discover that hurting himself hurts those who care about him. (this seems deeply unfair but okay...)

6. Threatens marriage at every inconvenience.

Also @edwardsvirtue what are you doing hiding gold in the tags??????

What a sick, masochistic lion.

i only have like half a modicum of self-control, so here’s some Rosalie x Jessica dissonance !! (Rosica? Jessalie?? Who knows?) inspired by this post by @twilightlez

Rose is obviously running for senior class president… it’s not up for debate. And Jessica, being the attention-seeking missile we all know and love, goes after her. Because what?? The hottest Cullen is finally getting into school activities?? What??? Edward who???? What better way to achieve Solid Popularity!!

Rose is severely shaken at first. This tiny, loud human in the year below her is suddenly there every time she turns around. “Hi, Rosalie. You wanna grab lunch?” “Rosalie!! Wanna sit with me on the bus?” Rose! Rose! Rose! Rose! Rose!

Rose declines every time. At first, very sharply but after a few days, her rejections become more… polite.

Jess stays up all night making pins and posters for Rose’s campaign. She’s running against idk like Eric or something, so Jess comes up with a bunch of dumb slogans like “Sick of the Bros? Vote for Rose!!” Just corny Garbage like that.

And the next day she just fucken plasters the school in Rose campaign junk.