Fluid for Thought

Ok, wow!  I thought Symptoms of Being Human was good... and then I accidentally found this book.  Of course both books were really awesome but... let’s just chat shall we?  Again, spoiler alert, read at your own risk!

I was first attracted to the cover and title of this book that I just happened to stumble upon at my library book sale, hundreds, if not thousands of books and I found this gem.  The main character is a young trans guy who starts hosting a late night spot on a local radio station.  While he is out to his family and best friend from school, Paige, his family is struggling to accept him.  On air he is himself, the Gabe that he knows he’s been since middle school, if not earlier.  However, most people at school and around town still know him by his birth name and misgender him regularly.  It is the radio show and his very good friend and neighbor that helps him accept himself and become the guy he has always wanted to be.    

The reason I found this book so, so good was that the author, Kirstin Cronn-Mills, captured the dysphoria so realistically that I would have guessed she’d been through all of it herself.  At the back of the book she addressed that she herself is a cisgender woman but did years of research and talking with the trans community before taking off on this writing journey.  

The author walked the reader through Gabe’s most troubling moment, a suicide attempt in 8th grade after female puberty hit.  She briefly touched on prosthetics and the overwhelming desire Gabe had to stand at a urinal, she mentioned chest binders, and had some of the most convincing bullys that I had read. The entire book was so convincing, so packed with subtle and yet necessary information for anyone wanting to learn more about the trans community.  

I’m in awe after finishing this book tonight.  Reading tends to take me a long time to do but I read this book in about 4 days and loved every minute of it.  There could be some spoilers here so read at your own risk.  

So the story features a closeted genderfluid teen who decides to start an anonymous blog to help cope with dysphoria, bullying, and other daily stressors they have to face.  In the end the blog blows up, their bullied harder, and is outed before their ready in front of their parents and local media stations.  

As with life, things get worse before they get better.  But the very end, especially the last one hundred pages or so for some reason just really stuck with me.  So much so that I am still awake at midnight finding myself having a snack and typing this out because I can’t fall asleep with how much I am thinking about it. 

I’ve never read about gender before in a novel style.  I read one steamy gay erotica in high school and remember loving it but that’s it. I’ve only in the last couple of years decided there was something unique about my own gender.  By the end of the book I was thinking how badly I want to be more involved in LGBTQIA+ events and things.  It made me hopeful, I can’t pinpoint for what exactly but I am like jittering with energy on how it made me feel.  

I don’t like the idea of having to out myself to people really, but this book made me sort of want too.  Personally I don’t want to make it a big thing, rather use subtle hints and clues to throw it out there.  I’d love to get a genderfluid flag and put it up somewhere (probably just a small one though). A friend of mine invited me up to her house hours away for a night out at a gay club (I’ve never even been to a straight club so that could be interesting) and I’m dripping enthusiasm for the experience.  I want to be more active in events like I said before, I just want to be more open about it, like, I just want to do something about it!  Whatever that means.  

This entry is everywhere and yet nowhere at all, I’m not sure that it even serves a purpose but to help me get out the thoughts as my rambling brain tries to fall asleep.  I also just want to give some praise to the book and Jeff Garvin as it was the most relatable thing I’ve read lately.  Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with a wide range of the issues that prevailed in the story but I really connected with the way the main character fought with expression and the very regular change gender they experienced.  That was very real for me and solidified my identity that much more.  

That must be why I can’t stop thinking about it... it was a genuine connection with the character.  Spot on.  

Eeeeep!!! I got my binder in the mail today!

I had wanted to order one for a very long time... months.... but I would always chicken out. I would think about how I could just use my real tight sports bra (but my boobs actually smooshed out the top defeating the purpose), or talked myself out of it because I didn’t feel like I really “needed” it (until I started watching every guys chest... fell in love with one particular and decided I just wanted shirts to fit like his).

I’ve been struggling with feeling valid lately. I made the mistake of watching some videos describing science behind trans stuff and about the debate on all the gender labels people have come up with. I started to feel rediculous. I started to ask myself if I was making this up.

I am confidant I am not.

I asked myself if I have dysphoria like people explain they do... and I don’t feel like I have dysphoria in a sense that I disconnect with my body so harshly. And I heard Chase Ross say in a video the other day that he doesn’t feel you have to be dysphoric to be trans. And that was absolutely reassuring. I would say I have gender euphoria though. I feel so good when I am able to match the gender my head is that day.

Today when I put my binder on and slipped into a button up... I felt like a fucking stud. I got so, SO excited about all the possibilities of clothing I could now rock way better than ever before. I felt validated honestly...

Lying back,

Music humming

I’m not much of a dancer.

But her,

Body swaying

She seems to be a dancer.

Arms above

Brunette hair

It comes so naturally to her.

Bellybutton singing

Silent words

Her eyes shut gently, feeling the groove.

Inching nearer,

Pulling me

Nervous, because I don’t dance.

Foreheads touching

Hooked together

Suddenly I can dance.

My eyes open

To meet hers

This is something I have been hearing a lot recently. And I’ve never felt so confused by it.

Anytime I’d heard it the phrase “oh find yourself a rich man” when discussing my future and making money I had at first thought... I don’t want to rely on someone to support me like that. I want to take care of myself financially for sure.

But now... I get so awkward when someone says that to me because I am not so sure I’ll marry a man at all anymore. It’s totally possible... I’m pretty open minded though. I have more recently been envisioning a more queer relationship for myself. Absolutely I could marry a man but I am not heterosexual.

It shouldn’t bother me but it sort of does. I’ve probably only been noticing it so much because I’m just really getting comfortable in my rainbow skin.

I have NEVER enjoyed shopping for clothes or shoes.  Ever.  Until now!

I have never wanted to so desperately update my wardrobe before until I figured out and decided I wanted to for sure be dressing more... manly I guess?  I want to kick all the old stuff out of my closet and start fresh!  Except my flannels... we gotta keep those <3.  

In the last couple of months I’ve wanted nothing more than to go on shopping sprees all over the place, in big malls, shoe stores, boutiques... I’ve never craved to go shopping like this before.  Lucky for me, JCPenny was having a decent sale to get rid of summer stuff and I went.  This time, I didn’t feel so awkward over in the men’s section. 

Up until now I’ve felt like I didn’t belong over in the men’s department and would even hurry myself along in hopes to not be seen over there, I don’t understand why!  I still feel slightly awkward in the dress clothes section but not so much in the casual clothes.  

I went to Penny’s three times last week, lol #sorrynotsorry. 

And literally just took a break to run to Walmart and found four more shirts that I couldn’t pass up.  Now that I am comfortable with how I want to express I feel more confident than ever to shop.  And all I want to do is shop.  

Her face reminds me of the night sky.

The moon and her eyes could be twins

Early morning dew resembles her twinkling pink lips

Orion can be found in the constellations on her cheeks

Fireflies float bashful like her lilting eyelashes

Clouds reflect the full moonlight recreating the dimples in her cheeks

I thought this could be fun.  I know, I know I am really late to the party... but that’s ok :).  I’ve only just begun to dive into gender so this is all new to me and I’m excited so let’s do this!

Q. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

A.  I would identify as genderfluid, but also have just become aware of the term transmasculine.  Genderfluid means, to me, that I fluctuate between the opposite ends of the gender spectrum.  One day I feel far more masculine but I don’t have a problem with looking beautiful as a women either.  This is where the term transmasculine might serve more purpose for me.  However, right now in this moment I prefer to masculinize myself over feminize.  I am much more overall comfortable and confident with myself when I present more masculine despite being born a female.  

Q.  What pronouns honor you?

A.  This is tough for me right now.  I would say I prefer either she/her or he/him over they/them.  For me personally they/them feels impersonal.  I have not asked anyone to change or use he/him when referring to me but I often refer to myself as he/him (I tend to use words like boi and bro when referring to myself.  I don’t feel that right now it is a big problem for others to continue with she/her.  I do not like being called a woman though, I don’t like the word woman, and I can’t explain why.  That being said I don’t know that I want to be called a man either.  This is obviously something I am still trying to work through myself, so what a long answer.  In a perfect world it would be cool if everyone could tell what gender I was representing on any given day and choose the appropriate pronouns, but they aren’t a huge deal to me.  Right now anyway.  

Q.  Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. 

A.  T-shirts and jeans or shorts, tennis shoes.  I’m in the process of amping up my wardrobe to fit what I see in my head.  I’ve been wearing bro tanks and khaki colored knee length shorts for the summer, some casual dude shoes or flip flops from the guys section.  I’ve realized how much I love bow ties and neckties and have begun a collection of them, and would like to grow my button up shirt collection.  I bought some very sleek men’s dress shoes too.  I want my clothing to be the definition of dapper.  Gentlemanly.  

Q.  Body hair... how do you style your hair, do you have facial hair, and what do you choose to shave and not to shave? 

A.  Right now my hair on my head is tall on top and shorter on the sides.  I’m trying to figure out how I want to deal with it haha.  I either just toss a hat on my head or comb it over and throw some Old Spice Fiberwax in it to add volume.  

I don’t have facial hair because, well, none grows there.  I wonder if I would look cool with a beard?  Idk, I have never thought about that... but I’d need some help from T for that.  

I like to have clean shaven legs and armpits.  I’ve tried growing both out but I just get so uncomfortable and itchy, I can’t get myself past the itchy stage.  I’ve always liked the idea of being able to be more free with that but the discomfort is too much for me to handle.  I don’t shave above my knee though, and that means I don’t shave my junk.  I remember trying to shave that area when it first started to grow but, I hated it so I just let it go.  Needless to say it's probably been 8-10 years since I’ve done anything with that.

Q.  Do you choose to wear makeup?  Paint your nails?  What types of soaps and perfumes do you use?

A.  I didn’t wear makeup until I came to college.  I finally starting learning my freshman year and tried to wear it as expected.  But I hated how dirty in made my skin feel.  How cakey and greasy.  And there is a particular smell to a full face of makeup that I just hate.  So gradually I quite and now four years later I am back to not really ever reaching for makeup.  I take pride in the fact that I am comfortable without it.  Occasionally I like to dabble with it though, it’s a fun hobby but not a necessity.  

I don’t paint my nails any more either.  I used to a lot but it was so much work that never lasted long enough for it to be worth it.  So now I am in love with my natural nails and I have a hard time thinking about painting over them, they are healthy, no need to change them.

I’ve switched to men’s soap in the shower, a matter of fact I made the bold switch to cheap 3-in-1 soap so I don’t even buy shampoo and conditioner and body soap any more, I just use all the same stuff from one bottle. I do have a wide selection of perfumes as I wen t through a bath and body perfume phase a coupe of years ago but have faded out the use of those over time too.  I bought a cologne that I wear on “special” occasions, and I tend to use men’s deodorant (IT WORKS BETTER, and smells tasty too). 

Q.  Have you experienced being misgendered?  If so how often?

A.  I experienced this for the first time about two weeks ago!  I wear swim trunks and a tank to the pool and I was climbing out of the pool and a guy was walking past and he nodded and said “what’s up man?” This caught me off guard but I kind of liked it.  Because he perceived me as a male instead of a female which has never happened before, which means I was passing as I was expressing to an extent and that was a really epic feeling.  A little kid once called me sir due to my short hair but his mom was quick to correct him saying that I was a lady.  I didn’t like that.  

Q.  Do you experience dysphoria?  How does that affect you?  

A.  I wouldn’t say I really experience dysphoria.  But I do experience a lot of euphoria.  When I am going about my life as a female I don’t excessively hate any of my parts.  I don’t experience feeling disconnected with my anatomy.  However, when I pack, I feel absolutely on top of this world.  I am far more confident in myself and more courageous.  And it has only been the last couple of months where when I am packing I wish so badly that I had a binder, to simply complete the feeling, the whole desired expression.  But when I don’t pack I don’t feel any less than I am which I am very thankful for.  

Q.  Children, are you interested?  Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you?  Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have? 

A.  Children is the hardest question ever!!  I still feel confused about whether or not I want them.  I’ve always felt like I would want to carry a baby, to experience that intense connection with a human being for 9 months, I’ve always thought that I would like to understand what it is like to be pregnant.  But I’ve never really seen myself keeping it (like maybe I carried it as a surrogate or something).  I’ve never felt very comfortable around kids, I don’t know how to act or talk or simply be with kids without feeling an insane amount of awkward.  I don’t know why this is the case I have four younger siblings I should be comfortable.  

I don’t think I would resent having a kid if it happened, especially if it was with a long term partner, the thought of a small family is something I have always loved but just never decided if it was really what I want.  Maybe fur babies??? ;)

If I did have my own kids of course I would want to be the primary caretaker, well me and my partner together.  I would want to be able to support them and love them and teach them and watch them grow everyday.

Q.  Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one?  Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have?  Do you prefer to pay for things like dates?  Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you? 

A.  Money isn’t as important to me as it probably should be.  I have always wanted to put love first.  I believe that with love, you have everything.  But if I did have a family absolutely I would want to be able to provide for them.  I would want to be able to spoil them and surprise them.  I would want to be able to set up autopay for my bills because I had money left over every month and never have to worry about waiting for the next paycheck before I could pay the electric bill.  

I don’t care who makes more money, that shouldn’t matter, setting unfair pay based on gender aside...  I don’t like that competition.  

I wouldn’t say I prefer to pay for dates, I like to take turns.  If the date was my idea I pay, your idea?  You pay.  Evening stuff like that out I think is important.  And yes I am uncomfortable when someone offers to pay for me, and that goes for EVERYONE,  even my grandparents.  I want to pay sometimes, again, let’s even things out.  I always feel obligated to pay back.  

Q.  Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

A.  I didn’t even realize I needed to step back and look at gender until a year and a half ago.  And now that I have, I fell so proud of myself.  I’ve made baby steps to feeling more comfortable in my own skin.  I have realized that I don’t need to be so concerned with what others think, I am me and that is truly all that matters.  I have never felt so confident.  I am talking to strangers, I’m sharing love with people when I used to feel the need to bottle it up and save for very specific people.  But everyone is deserving of love.  

I keep saying I feel my heart has grown three sizes sense I started looking at my gender.  I feel more open and accepting than I ever have before and that is liberating.  I’m sharing more and more of myself with people when I’ve always been so, so shy and quiet.  I’m letting people in and I’m allowing myself to form in the public eye and I’ve just never felt so excited!

Today I went to the pool.  This is nothing new I’ve been going every week this summer.  But this time wore my packer for the first time while swimming. 

I have mixed feelings about this.  First of all I don’t have a harness so I was relying on some very mediocre DIY’d packer undies that I was not super sure that I liked anyway.  But I knew that the packer wouldn’t fall out of them so I put them to work.  I don’t think that I sewed the pouch in the right spot as it sits higher than is probably normal and makes the bulge look huge in my opinion.  But when I put my swim trunks on it wasn’t so noticable. 

Then I got wet.  And swam around, kind of.  I was so nervous a kid would swim by with some goggles on and see, I was so worried that it was excessively noticeable.  So I started looking at other wet dudes in swim trunks to see if my bulge compared to theirs at all.  I wasn’t very successful in figuring that out.  The movement ended up pushing my packer sideways a little and it just wouldn't stay put.  And it felt so big! 

So needless to say I was super antsy when I got out of the water trying to kind of cover up this very noticeable problem.  However, I felt the most myself I have ever, I smiled as I lay in the sun thinking about how I had faced a fear and took the plunge to just give it a shot.  I don’t recall getting any weird looks so that is a plus.  

I ordered another packer that I think would work better for this but it hasn’t come in the mail yet so I am eager for it’s arrival, my classic packy is just to big!  

I had turned all my lights off and closed my eyes for bed but had to turn lights back on and put my glasses on and type this out because all of the words just came to me.  I’ve never actually been with a girl romantically but lately it’s all I’ve been thinking about.  

Spoons

Her hair tickles my nose like seaweed tickles toes

Her skin washes me like the calmest waves at sea

Her breath captures me like nature’s finest breeze

Her back against me, her dream cloud drifting

Melting into me

She smells like sweet tarts and cinnamon 

Hey, hi, hello there.  

So I remembered hearing that tumblr has a fairly good lgbtq+ community somewhere so I thought I would do my best to jump in somewhere.  A little bit about me...

I started my first blog on here almost four years ago to try and get myself to see even the shittiest days in a more positive light.  It was my first year at college and away from home and I did not get along with my roommate, we simply didn’t mesh.  As she would sit and dwell in her own puddle of first time away from home blues, I was bound and determined to figure how to not sit in my own puddle.  Tumblr was a starting point.  

Here I am, newly graduated from university and only within the last two years maybe, have begun to dig deeper into myself and figure out who I am.  It bums me out that I am just getting to this very important part of myself but, better late than never :).  

I’ve recently labeled myself as genderfluid, pansexual, and pronoun indifferent (or maybe my preferred pronouns fluctuate with my mood on any given day, I don’t know for sure).  I have only really talked openly and excitedly about this revelation with one person, and while I don’t want to have to hide it, I don’t want to have to “come out” either.  I don’t believe anyone should have to go through the stress that is coming out, I know I don’t want to worry about all that.  But I have begun packing and dressing to fit my desired expression and people are going to notice.  I would like to use this blog as a place to meet people in the community and to post my own growth or discoveries as I tackle this incredible new adventure.  

Honestly, I haven’t really thought all of this out and what exactly I will post here but I hope to use it for a gender and sexuality discussion and form of expression for myself and others.