sorry for how I acted when there were multiple noises happening at the same time
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@flesssenpost
sorry for how I acted when there were multiple noises happening at the same time

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sometimes the only closure you will get is knowing that everything you did was done earnestly and out of love
there is no greater mystery than What Was That Deleted Video In My Youtube Playlist
''i wasted those years'' who cares. you lived the only life you could've lived in those moments

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this was a great read. āLaziness Does Not Existā by Devon Price
When I met my wife, it transformed me. Elizabeth Bowen said, "To turn from everything to one face is to find oneself face-to-face with everything." That's what it was like for me. You turn in one direction, and it opens up everything else. It looks singular, but it's really universal. And part of my life has been integrating that moment of grace into the all the life that came after. How do you make a rapturous experience of God part of daily life?
Christian Wiman, interviewed with Marilyn Nelson by Abram Van Engen
ā Megan Fernandes, āDo You Sell Dignity Here?ā from I Do Everything Iām Told

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āPlants and animals donāt fight the winter; they donāt pretend itās not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through. Winter is a time of withdrawing from the world, maximising scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but thatās where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible.ā
ā Katherine May, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times
Ā« Hibernation allows many animals to time-travel from difficult times to plenty [ā¦but] it is something that eludes us humans. [ā¦] Is there something special about our nature that prevents us from hibernating? Will we ever know what it is like to hibernate? [ā¦] Humans have always been remarkably creative and imaginative with respect to changing their state of body and state of mind, for example by taking mind-altering drugs, entering a state of deep meditation, or even willingly changing metabolic rates [ā¦]. The lack of scientific theory behind the induction of artificial hibernation, and a poor understanding of the underlying biology, is likely an explanation for the lack of progress in this area. [ā¦]
Naturally, we are envious that so many creatures, big and small, around us have mastered and perfected the skill of hibernation, which still escapes our understanding. Is it because we are too obsessed with trying to make sense of what we can see and measure [ā¦]? Our efforts to understand hibernation go against its entire ideaāto disappear, to disconnect, to stop time, to become one with the world. Is this why understanding hibernation eludes us? Ā»
ā "Could humans hibernate?" by Vladyslav Vyazovskiy, professor of sleep physiology at the University of Oxford
more on my substack <3
So my therapist has been helping me get to grips with my ADHD, and also the concept that Iām not shit at being an adult, I just canāt do things the way everyone has always told me to do them. Like every single āorganize your lifeā books have always left me wanting to cry with frustration, and after I got hold of a copy of Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD by Susan Pinsky I realized that was because they primarily focus onĀ āaestheticā overĀ āfunctionā. And the function of most standard āorganize your life booksā is to āmake things look Show Home Perfectā.
So the standard āhide all your unsightly things by doing xyzā may look nice for the first week or so, but by the end of the week itāll look like a tornado made of pure inhuman frustration ripped through the house as I try to find the fucking advil.
To give you an example of the kind of hell Iāve been fumbling my way through the last 20 odd years: dishes will be washed and left in the drying wrack but never put away. Which means I canāt wash more dishes, which means dishes pile up, which means I canāt make food, which means I donāt eat, which means my CFS gets worse, which means I donāt have the energy to put the dishes away, and so on so forth until I have a meltdown, cry to ETD (who also likely has ADHD but has never had it confirmed) about how I canāt cope with life, and then we fix it for a while, but inevitably end up back at square one within about a week.
Pinskyās solution to this was āremove an obstacle between you and your goal, if that means taking all the doors off your kitchen cabinets to make things easier, so be it.ā
And lemme tell you, fucking revolutionary.
Laundry never ends up in the hamper??? why???? is it a closed hamper??? Remove the lid. Throw it out the window. Clothes are now miraculously finding their way into the hamper??? Rejoice????
Mail ends up spread out over every available flat surface? Put a sorting station right where your mail arrives. Put a shredder or ājunkā basket under it. Shred or dump the junk immediately. Realize you only actually have two real letters that need attention, feel less overwhelmed, pay your bills on time.
Like Iām not saying this book is miraculous, but it did help me realize that I was effectively torturing myself by trying to conform to certain ideals of āperfect house keepingā, and presenting a certain image rather than just allowing myself to live in my space as effectively as possible. And why? Why was I doing that? Cause people with different lives and capabilities are perceived as the norm? Fuck that. If this was a physical problem I wouldnāt be forcing myself to conform to an ableist standard, so why am I doing it with this?
My lived space will never look a certain way, and thatās okay. It will never look show home perfect, and thatās okay. It will likely always be cluttered and eclectic where nothing matches, and thatās okay. Sometimes I will have odd socks on because sorting them out required too much mental energy, and thatās okay. Actually fuck sorting socks, just buy all your socks in the same color. Problem solved. Boring sure, but also one less thing to do, which means more time to hyper fixate on fun things. Which really, what else is my life for if not to write screeds and screeds of vampire shit posts, I ask you.

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One of the most helpful things I've learned to do with ADHD is when I need to start a task, I don't think "I need to do this task" I think "I need to do (first step of task)".
I don't tell myself "I need to wash the dishes piling up in the sink." I tell myself "I need to get the scrub brush and turn on the facuet." That's easy, so I do it and bam, I've started the task.
"I need to brush my teeth" -> "I need to get my toothbrush wet and put toothpaste on it."
"I need to write this essay" -> "I need to pull up the assignment guidelines and open a word doc."
"I need to go to the store." -> "I need to put on my shoes."
Tasks are easily overwhelming when you constantly think about them in their entirety, so picking the most immediate part you need to so and only focusing/doing that helps to get you to start it with less anexity & stress.
[image: FB screenshot of mine, text as follow:
I found the ultimate ADHD life hack for chores
Thereāsā¦.Thereās no rules, y'all
You donāt have to do⦠everything at once
Youāre in the bathroom for a few minutes? Just put a couple of things away and wipe down the faucet and then leave. You donāt have to clean the WHOLE THING at once
This is both an ADHD life hack AND a disability life hack
SO OFTEN I feel helpless and useless because I canāt do chores. But. What if. I do. SMALL things. I can wipe a countertop down while my coffee brews. I can sweep up just a small area. I can only put away half my clothes.
ANY progress is good. ANY AT ALL!
R e v e l a t i o n
Donāt make fun, my āGET THE WHOLE JOB DONE OR DONāT BOTHER AT ALLā mentality drilled into my brain for years isnāt easy to overcome ;)]