Eloquent Irrelavance

Get on the floor

Gandalf wears lace

Henchman: “Isn’t that a security risk?”

Henchman: “Um… boss?

Me: “And one of those motivational posters! Is the ‘hang in there’ kitten too cheesy? Maybe… maybe I should leave handwritten notes taped to the walls. Flowers? Is flowers too much? What about tic-tacs?”

Henchman: “Jesus, boss! Do you want me to go ahead and hang up an artistic nude oil painting of you in the air ducts?”

Me: “Hm? Yes, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

Henchman: “Well. I mean. You’ve been listening to ‘Genghis Khan’ by Miike Snow on repeat for sixteen loops while watching yourself sexy-cry in front of a mirror.”

Me: “Uh, no. What for?”

Henchman: “I just thought it might make it easier to, you know… meet cute guys.”

Me: “Don’t patronize me, you useless fool. I know how to meet cute guys. That’s easy! You just take the mayor hostage or build a bomb that looks like your face and they come running.”

Henchman: “Okay, okay, fair enough, you know how to meet cute guys. But what about getting them to stay? I really think an online dating profile could help with that.”

Henchman: “Perhaps you should learn to take a hint, sir.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Henchman: “Well, I think ‘a bullet’ is a pretty strong hint that he’s just not into you.”

Me: “How can you be sure of that?! He’s so wily and complicated. He uses bullets all the time - it could mean anything!”

Henchman: “Sir, do you know why I continue working for you after all these years?”

Me: “….job security?” 

Henchman: “No.”

Me: “The atmosphere?”

Henchman: “God, no.”

Me: “The… uh. Retirement benefits…?”

Henchman: “‘Why’? Well, my lord, because there’s only one ‘love language’ you seem to understand.”

Me: “Ha! I speak all the Romance languages fluently, snake. I am exceptionally well-educated.”

Henchman: “And yet you are a miserable fool. I am tired of this charade. Step away from the doomsday machine and fight me.”

Me: “But it’s… we made this together… it was important to us…”

Henchman: “I can’t let you activate it, sir. I have a world to save.”

Me: “That’s not your job! That’s his job!”

Henchman: “He isn’t here right now. I am. You may be oblivious, but surely you’ve noticed that.”

Me: “Are you… are you suggesting…”

Henchman: “Coffee? No. That’s not your style. There’s a laser tag arena down the street, I could sneak in some adult beverages, we could see where a little competition take us, and… well…”

Me: “This is so fast, I… I don’t know what to think…”

Aww 🐶😍