five

scoring a goal feels good. drinking water after a drill feels good. an orgasm feels good

looking at the sky, when the amount of space above you is enormous, feels good

when pain stops, it feels good

doing something for others doesn’t intrinsically feel good. doing something for kevin does, though

kevin is nice to look at when he’s happy with something you’ve done for him. he smiles, and he glows, and his eyes sparkle, and he stares at you, and you feel warm all over. he might even crush you in his arms, and while it’s hard not to fight it on instinct, staying still is worth it

making kevin happy becomes challenging with time because what does the thing clashes with what the family wants from riko. with what he’s supposed to be. with what he inevitably is

moments of kevin’s happiness become few and far between, and they seem to only occur when he briefly forgets himself. unfortunately, there’s no way for riko to survive and make him happy at the same time

Because the thing is not that Andrew physically harmed Kevin. Thats not the point nor the reason why he broke the deal. The thing is that the Foxes had to haul Andrew away from Kevin. It took three people to take pry Andrew off Kevin's neck. It is not just about the choking, It is about the fact Andrew wouldnt have stopped. It is about the fact Kevin had to be protected from Andrew.

You all can call me crazy here, but If I make a deal with someone for protection, I am kind of assuming the person I made the deal with wont become a threat that I will need protection from. Wild concept, I know.

The Idea that Andrew wouldnt become himself a threat to Kevin was kind of implied in their deal. Shouldnt be something that needs to be said outloud. There is no reason why Kevin would trust Andrew the way he did in TFC if he believed Andrew would ever represent real danger to him. But silly Kevin, he cannot live away from physical harm anywhere he is. He shouldnt have expected to. Just because someone promised to protect you, doesnt mean they wont almost murder you. Silly, silly Kevin

To me this argument really sounds like the "but you didnt read the fine print" moments on TV shows. It is trying to use a technicality to justify a break of trust. It is honestly kind of stupid.

So, am I saying Andrew hates Kevin? No. Am I saying their relationship cant be fixed? No. Am I saying Andrew doesnt care about Kevin? No.

What I am saying is: Kevin deeply trusted Andrew, this is a point that is reiterated time and time again in TFC, so much so that Neil gets intrigued by Andrew because of how much Kevin trusts him. Saying that Kevin needing their team to protect him from Andrew somehow didnt break the deal they had or the trust Kevin had in Andrew is so forced.

You can say that Kevin also broke Andrew's trust by hiding the truth, you can say Kevin understands and forgives Andrew, you can say Kevin expected It once he decided to keep Neil's secret and he did It knowing the price he would pay. There are many ways to look at the choking incident and many perspectives that can lead to both characters still having a strong and meaningfull relationship with each other. What to me is pathetic is going "It is fine because Andrew was only supposed to protect Kevin from Riko, which obviously means that Andrew being the one to almost kill Kevin is okay then"

Lets just stop trying to find stupid loopholes just to make It simple. This is the type of thing that makes the conversation shallow and does no one any good. Andrew broke his word. He said he would protect Kevin and Kevin needed protection from Andrew. Andrew cannot protect Kevin If he is the threat.

Does this mean everything Andrew did for Kevin stops mattering? Absolutely not. Does this mean all the times Andrew stopped Kevin from going back are now unimportant? Absolutely not. Does this mean their relationship is forever broken? Absolutely not.

On the contrary, I think exactly all they have lived through togheter and all the times Andrew was there and indeed protected Kevin are what will allow them to be okay. As well as the fact that both of them did what they did because of Neil and for him.

So no, my point is not to demonize Andrew or say his relation with Kevin is somehow broken beyond repair. The point is that yall need to stop trying to find loopholes to scape the fact Andrew did in fact break their deal. This doesnt mean what he did is unforgivable and it doesnt erase all the times Andrew did upheld his part of their deal, both before and after the incident too.

Andrew lost control in a highly stressful situation when someone he loved was taken from him. He is not bad for It. It is very comprehensible and I dont think It is out of character for him. But It also doesnt mean what he did has no impact, It doesnt change he did hurt very badly someone who had trusted their life in him.

do i think on some level kevin felt betrayed? yes. but i don’t think enough that he would externalize that thought to anyone, not when on some level he still believes he deserved everything that happened to him. we get a glimpse of the brainwashing the nest did through jean’s pov, how strongly jean holds onto this idea that everything that was done to him was justified. kevin was in the nest longer and faced more of riko’s psychological cruelty than anyone. i do not think in the year he’s been out he’s done enough work on himself to not still be in the habit of taking whatever violence is given to him.

he has always been at the mercy of his partners violent whims, both with riko and andrew.

i loop back to the locker room scene where kevin throws andrew up against a locker and andrew slashes him across the chest. he reacts so very minimally to every part of this scene. it’s hard for me to believe this is the first time andrew has hurt him. especially not when they had their huge blow up fight the year before neil got there where andrew refused to play and kevin kept pushing.

kevin chose andrew’s protection for his unhinged violence. there was safety in the violence, a familiarity. he doesn’t know how to live outside of the blast radius of this sort of chaos.

the choking scene for kevin was contrition. in the nest, contrition went hand and hand with violence. based on kevin’s dialogue in tgr about how punishment worked in the nest, i could see him believing that andrew nearly choking him to death was a “worthy” punishment for the betrayal he had committed. kevin kept information to himself that got neil killed — or at the time he believed so — a life for a life was only fair.

absolutely horrifying, but it never struck me as out of character that there is no major fallout between them over the choking. not when every fight theyve had to this point has resolved without either of them addressing the conflict. they simply fall back into their usual codependent pattern.

andrew doesn’t believe in regret and kevin was raised to accept what he was given.

consensually annoyed.

practicing honesty — chapter 13

📌 wiki page chapters: 13/? words: 58,595 relationship: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard banner by cowboymoonking

Neil turned to look out the window, letting the smoke burn through his lungs longer than he should’ve. It hurt; it made him feel real again. He let it out slowly, afraid time might slip away with the exhale, and he’d become this smoke dissipating into the wind once more. If it were a year ago, he would write this off as his memory being odd. It always had been. Conversations he was present for slipped away, and more than just possessions got lost between the cities they stayed in. If this were a year ago, he’d write the missing hours away because he’d been jumbled and upset, and his mind didn’t always hit the record button for the bad stuff. But he wasn’t just surviving for himself anymore.

No longer on the run, some inconsistencies Neil had long written off start to effect his daily life. Or, another DID!Neil fic.

practicing honesty — chapter 13

📌 wiki page chapters: 13/? words: 58,595 relationship: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard banner by cowboymoonking

Neil turned to look out the window, letting the smoke burn through his lungs longer than he should’ve. It hurt; it made him feel real again. He let it out slowly, afraid time might slip away with the exhale, and he’d become this smoke dissipating into the wind once more. If it were a year ago, he would write this off as his memory being odd. It always had been. Conversations he was present for slipped away, and more than just possessions got lost between the cities they stayed in. If this were a year ago, he’d write the missing hours away because he’d been jumbled and upset, and his mind didn’t always hit the record button for the bad stuff. But he wasn’t just surviving for himself anymore.

No longer on the run, some inconsistencies Neil had long written off start to effect his daily life. Or, another DID!Neil fic.

Not only do i like to make plans, but i's also something i kind of have to do to picture the place and make it plausible and accurate - escpecially if i want to make a comic.

That plan fixes the mistakes i made for the lounge one i did last year. I still believe the lounge looks like this somewhat, but i picture it wider now, the room was too small. Making those plans i had to remember that a usual exy team can fit up to 30ish people in it, so common rooms had to be large, each locker room should be able to fit ~15 people and so forth.

Andreil - og colors under the cut